this is so frustrating...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
this is so frustrating...
4
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 2:33pm
Hi all, I don't post much here these days, my ema ended about a year ago and its been pretty much a roller coaster ride. I'm very committed to rebuilding with my H and thing mostly are going well. The thing is while I very much want NC, my xmm still keeps finding reasons to call, today it was because he had a houselisting he thought I might be interested in. (he's a realtor) then he always wants to know how things are, let me know that if I want to call and talk or if I ever want to start things again, he's there, etc. I can't stand it, I was at one time madly in love with him, we dated when we were single and he dumped me for his current wife, I met him again when things were at a all time low with my marriage, his isn't too great either, our ema was pretty intense, I thought he was the love of my life, my true soulmate, fill in your favorite cliche here, you get the picture. Things have changed a lot in the couple years since it started. My marriage is a lot better, we're in counseling and while its far from perfect, its worth saving we love each other and I love my kids and I know that the life I have with my H is better then the life I might have had with xmm. The thing is though that I still care about xmm in some ways,and everytime he calls, it makes me think about things I shouldn't and I miss him and I just don't want this anymore its been a frikkin year since we've seen each other and I've told him over and over that its just not going to happen ever again. He told me once when I asked him not to call that he needs to hear my voice to know that I don't hate him, I don't, thats the problem, if I hated him I could just tell him to go do something to himself and hang up. Oh I know I'm rambling and not making much sense and your wondering who this crazy lady is but I'm just upset and frustrated and wondering if anyone else has had to deal with a mm that just wont go away and how do you deal with it. as always thanks for listening.
Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 2:44pm
I do understand your frustration TRYING however I have to say this. His needs are no longer your problem and it is rather childish of him to say he needs to hear your voice to know you don't hate him. It makes a lot more sense to let him know that although you will never hate him, you simply can't continue to accept his calls because it isn't conducive to working on your marriage. And I would end with telling him if he respects you, he will not call again. How's that?

I do believe that two people can truly be friends but it has to happen long after your emotional ties to him are gone. That can only happen with time so next time he calls, you might also tell him to give you at least a year. Sometimes when you take the "forever" pressure off, it then becomes okay. And I believe a year would give you the time you need to really get past any old emotions you are carrying for this man.

Oh well. Just a suggestion.

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 05-07-2003 - 3:51pm
GT... Thanks, that's actually a pretty good suggetion, I might try it, I think the thing that frustrates me the most is that if he thought he could have me, he probably wouldn't be interested anymore, he only really wants me when I'm not available. Or maybe he thinks instead of working on his marriage or getting up the courage to get out of it, just seeing me naked again would make it all better...whatever..you're right it is childish and selfish and exactly why I'm better off without him. Thanks for your advice, as usual you see the situation for what it is. hugs, B
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-08-2003 - 3:19pm
Oh sweetie...I hope you're still lurking around and see this...

I'm with you honey. Just keep pushing on. You know we're both at the same spot and I'm going through the same things. XMM and I had finally started getting into the NC thing and he always broke it. Same things - needed to hear my voice, etc., he wants the A back again until "the time is right aka kids are grown," and I won't do it. We talked too much this week and yesterday made plans to meet up after work Friday for drinks. Within 4 hours of making those plans I was flipping out. All I could think was "I don't want to do this, I don't want to lie to H, I don't want to have our little 3 hour happy I love you I want to leave my W and be with you time." I left him a message this morning and bailed on the plans. We ended up in a fight - he told me he hated me. Ouch. But even more so...let's see...2 year A, I got seperated, 1 month later he bailed on me cuz his W caught on, now he wants the A back - and he has a right to hate me????

Hang in there baby. Keep pushing on. I know that total NC, out of my life, is what I need and I swear I'm gonna get there. I can usually do my end, I don't make the first phone call anymore, and I swear to myself that I am going to get to where I can ignore his. I know I need this for MY life.

Hugs sweetie - love ya :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 05-09-2003 - 8:45am
Rach, its so good to hear from you. Thanks so much!!! I'm sorry to hear this is still going on for you too, these men are so dense sometimes aren't they! I guess the thing that bugs me is that I can't seem to just kick him to the curb once and for all, In spite of everything and how well things are going w H etc, I'm still a little happy to hear from him, then I beat myself up afterwards for feeling that way. I will never get involved with him the way we were again, I wish he'd just go away so I don't have to keep feeling this way, I think like GT said, if he'd just leave me alone for a year or so, I'd be able to get over it completely. and I'm angry with myself for being so weak and spineless as to still care. oh well, yes we will get there, trudge trudge trudge, take care of yourself my dear it sounds like your doing pretty well, I'm glad you didn't get together with him tha night. He doesnt have any right to hate you, after everything he's put you through, as I've said before you held up your end of the deal, he didn't, he has no right to expect anything of you! Hope you keep staying strong and things work out for you. Hows it going with H? let me know, big hugs and love, B