So glad I came back here!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
So glad I came back here!
4
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 3:05pm

I was married when my A started, but my (now EX) husband was a lying, controlling, abusive piece of shit. I ended my married in 2005, not for AP, but for ME. My (now Ex) AP was married...is still married. Of course that will never change, and I never expected it to. He never made promises. He did, however, make his wife out to be a frigid, lazy, sponging bitch, which I'm pretty certain 99% of married men do.

I ended the A 6 years ago. It stayed off for several months. It was back & forth, up & down, blah, blah, blah. I ended it for good 4 months ago. I blocked him on my cell. I didn't struggle with NC at all this time. Sure, there were times when things happened that made me think of him, things we would have shared before, but that was OVER. We WERE best friends, but now we are NOTHING. I didn't cry - not once. I was amazed, actually; I felt good...like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

2 months ago, I found out he was moving to the other side of the country for work. It upset me, though I'm not entirely sure why - other than the finality of a cross-country move, but I resisted the temptation to make contact. I finally did break down and cry, but literally for a MINUTE. Then I felt good again.

About a month after he moved away, I got a phone call. Of course, I didn't recognize his new number and didn't answer it. I called the number back, presumably to tell some annoying telemarketer to take me off their call list (I get that A LOT). Ex-AP answered. Luckily, I had blocked my number. When I heard his voice, I was stunned. Totally caught off guard. At that point, we hadn't spoken in almost 4 months and I assumed that once he moved so far away, he'd just 'lose' my number. I panicked when he answered and I just hung up, which was the right thing to do anyway. He called again the next day. I hesitated, but answered this time (WHY?!). We talked a few times over the next couple of days. Nothing but casual conversation about our lives, but still...I should have stayed NC!

I'm back to NC now and staying there. I realize that I have ZERO desire to have ANY type of relationship with someone who has to hide me...someone who can't ever be there when I need him...someone who can only call from his work cell during the work day or who has to sneak away to call me...someone who can't call for weeks at a time because he's on a beautiful vacation with his wife...the list goes on and on. Why would I settle for that? Why DID I settle for that for SO long? Yes, I love him. But ya know what? I love ME more...and I deserve better than that! I deserve a real, whole relationship! You absolutely can not have that with someone who is attached to someone else. Period.

My advice is to let go of the fantasies. Stop telling yourself you're so perfect for each other. Stop obsessing. Surround yourself with people who lift you up. Busy yourself with activities you enjoy. Set a new goal for yourself and map out a plan to achieve it. Pull up your big girl panties (or big boy 'drawers') and move on with your life. We aren't teenagers! We're grown-ass people and we need to act like it! We have jobs, bills, kids, responsibilities...and we're wasting our precious time (which is NOT infinite) pining for people we can NOT have! Stop the madness!

For me, continuing to run and work out has been KEY to getting through this and staying positive. I highly recommend it as an excellent, FREE form of therapy! Exercise produces endorphins ('feel good' hormones), boosts self-esteem & self-confidence, and helps you sleep better at night. {Yes, I'm a personal trainer, sports nutrition consultant, and running coach so I'm passionate about this subject Smile}

Continue to read & post here. Share your stories. You never know who you might be helping!

I'm a runner...it isn't just what I do; it's who I am!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2014
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 3:28pm

I  understand what you are saying. but it is very hard for me to let go.Exercise does not take my mind off him.I was in the gym 5 times  a week before ,during ,and still after the affair.I think of him constantly.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Mon, 08-11-2014 - 6:21pm

Hey Cattitude!

Thanks for coming by to share your story and how you are getting by with that exuberant attitude :)

I'm happy to hear that, even though you engaged, you are healthier now to not be sucked back in...because you feel...really feel ...that you deserve more. You do deserve to be somebody's priority..not their option.  

Now you are freed up to find JAAM...just an available man :)

You rock!

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 1:25pm
Find a way to let go. It will be hard. It will be gradual, but I see from your screen name that you have THREE good reasons to stop thinking about him and change your focus to your family! They're way more important and need you much more than Ex-AP.

I'm a runner...it isn't just what I do; it's who I am!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2006
Tue, 08-12-2014 - 1:26pm
Thanks, Clarity! :-)

I'm a runner...it isn't just what I do; it's who I am!