This is so hard

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
This is so hard
5
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 2:25pm
Hi there. This is my first post here, and I want to thank you all in advance. What an amazing site this is. Anyhow here is my story, I hope I don't ramble too much.

I have been married for 12 years and have meen having an A with MM for 3.5. Due to schedules and different cities it varies how often we get to see each other. Up until recently it had been about 7 months since the last time I had been with MM. Usually we would see each other at least once a month. We talk or e mail almost daily. At times during this 7 months I could feel him pulling back. Just when I think its over, boom, I feel his need and love coming back. Several weeks ago, he admitted that he had started to see someone at work, and had even considered leaving his wife for her. To try and sum that up, her mother is sick and dying of cancer. She broke it off with him (she's single) because she can;t stand him leaving her all the time to go back to his wife. She has now gone to stay and help take care of her mother. I know her and MM still talk and e mail also daily. His response is, he's helping her through a rough time right now.

Last week I went to his city to see him. As usual the sex was amazing. Emotionally it was hell. I agreed to meet him at the OW's apartment. What I was thinking, I have no idea!@# I guess I was just so curious about how she lives, what she's like ect. I have decided that I had to end this now! Its so hard. Funny thing is, hes not someone I would ever be with. He's an alcoholic, adultress (I was his first) and he has a gambling problem. To top it off, he just got fired from a very good job.

I finally got up the nerve and sent my goodbye letter. Except of course he is such a hard habit to break. How do you just stop talking to someone that you talk to everyday. I'm not even sure its about the love anymore. It seems like I do ok as long as I'm in control. The second hes ignoring me I fall to pieces. After 2 days of not hearing from him after I sent the letter, I messaged him and asked him to call me last night. His response. I wanted to call you so badly today, bla bla bla. We agreed to remain best friends and he said that he will still need to talk to me as much as we always have. He then proceeds to tell me that his OW is coming home today! Argh!! So much for my having the upper hand. It was probably a relief to get my goodbye. Now he can try and win the OW back. I know she's hurting so bad right now, but I still think she's trying to push his hand. I also think she is coming home just to see him and may regret that decision big time. Her mother dosen't have much longer to live. Its all such a mess. he is so not good for me, yet I can't imagine him not being a part of my life. So today she comes home and I have not heard from him. Is he with her right now, maybe picking her up at the airport? How do I get over him? I know if I could do the no contact thing I will be ok.

This sounds so horrible but does anyone else get mean evil thoughts? I mean I know where he lives, the OW and wife. Sometimes I would just like to bust his ass for hurting me. Even still I let him do it. HELP!!




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 2:42pm
Needing, I send you cyber hugs((((HUGS))))

I'm one that can say I have been there, and I'm still there my affair was 5+years and would have went on as long as I let it. I have been NC for almost 4 months with out any contact. I quit cold turkey. It's hard I have a void in my heart like none I have ever experienced but it would be worse with out my family and my Husband. I know this is a greiving time for me as with all things are and in time the pain does get better. I also have my days where I am just at the bottom trying to find my way back up. I come here as often as I feel I need too and YES there is support beyond anything you would imagine. We are here for you and you can do it. Believe me I'm living proof of it. I figure I would rather put the effort into my marriage and at least get something back from my husband because I know he loves me. Take care and be strong. Soul

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:38pm
Thanks so much Soul. I hope I can be as strong as you have been. I feel like my heart has been ripped to shreds. Thank god I have to go to work soon. Its been the longest day ever. At least my mind will be busy with other things. Did you end it before you went cold turkey, and has he tried to contact you since? Its so bizzare. I know the only way to get over him is not to talk and it seems like even if I don't see him anymore, as long as we talk I feel ok! Argh, it's so crazy!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 4:05pm
Needing,

Our affair was hard because it has always been long distance. We both agreed more than one time that we could live as just being friends but that lasted only a few days and we would go right back to acting like we were in a full blown affair. He was single and I'm the married one so it was harder on him not being able to be with me than it was for me because I had other things that kept me busy. We did not plan for this to happen that we not longer talked to each other even tho we talked all the time about I don't think either of us thought it would really happen? One day we were talking and the next neither one of us contacted each other and that was it! Point blank no good byes really just that we knew this is what needed to be done to get past the pain we both caused each other. I have to say the love we did have for each other was something I would have loved to find in my husband but I guess we can't have it all! At least I experienced it. I think I heard a quote here the other day that went something like this, Don't cry its over...Smile at the thought it happend. I know that we could never be happy together it was the fantasy in my head I was in love with. I really didn't even know him and he didn't really know me at all either. I think of it as just that a fantasy and the pain & stress I went through while in my affair is not worth it at all. I try now to put the energy in fixing what is broken in my marriage and it seems to be working. Don't think that i dont have my weak moment because everyone here will tell you I do and there are a lot of us who do. I just find streaghth inside and come here for support. So if you want to e-mail him then send one here and some one will help you through it. Take care okay.

Soul

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 4:47pm
Dear Needing:

Your story sounds so horrible! It makes me sick that you not only have to think of him with his W, but also with a new A! Don't allow yourself to be #3 in this man's life!!! You deserve to be #1 and no less. That is why I am done with xMM. I deserve a real relationship where I am #1 where someone is there for me whenever I need him not just a few hours a week (or once a month) but everyday for every event of my life by my side. If we hold on to these A s we will never find that. You have to let go.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 2:11am
Thanks so much Survive and Soul. It's 2 days NC today. Tommorrows going to be the rough one though, I don't have to work and will have nothing but time. My house is going to be so clean, haha! I know I would feel better if he was suffering but the fact that the other gf is back makes me doubt it. Even though she's supposedly broken it off with him too, I know its not over. Why else would she leave her mothers side at a time like this? It makes me sick to my stomatch to know I helped him pass the time while she was gone and I made it so easy for him by telling him it was over just when I find out she's came back. Do either of you ever get tempted to tell the W or in my case W or other gf? I know I won't but sometimes it gives me great satisfaction to think I have that power! Sick huh? But maybe more as self preservation! Anyhow coming here and reading everyone else's posts and stories help. Even though they are suffering I guess it just helps knowing other people are going thru it, or maybe just misery loves company. Either was its been a big help. I'm so glad I found this site. Who knows maybe one day I might even be in a position to help others. ((HUGS)) T.