This is so hard!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
This is so hard!
13
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 1:45pm
I am so upset. I think Free was right when she said I have to let go of my friend. I just don't know how. I am in love with him. Sometimes I wonder if he truly loves me, although he always tells me he does. He always, always reasures me that I am so special to him. But then there are times when days go by even weeks and he doesn't call or email. I check my email only to be so dissappointed that he didn't email me. He will tell me that he has been so busy at work that he did not have time. (which in his job is possible) We've loved each other for years now but I also know that I can't go on like we are. The phone sex was good for a while and the affair this summer made me wonder if I truly knew what sex was all about before this summer. It was incredible. And not just because it was good sex but because there was love there too. But....is Free right, is it all in my mind, do I have a fantasy of someone I've created? I mean, I love him and he loves me and I know it is true and honest, but I also know I have a family and a wonderful husband who has not gotten the attention he deserves since we saw each other this summer. I am just so consumed by thoughts of him and want for him. I just wish this wasn't so hard. My heart hurts so badly. I still have had no contact with him, although I've picked up my cell a dozen times today and looked at the clock to call. I HAVEN'T! I am proud of myself for that because the day will be over soon and he will be at home for the weekend and we've never contacted each other at our homes. So at least Saturday and Sunday will be easy not to call but keeping him from my thoughts will still be hard. And I have to be honest and say I will feel hurt if he doesn't email me before he leaves for the weekend or doesn't try to call me at least. But why am I hurting when I am trying to cut it off? I don't know if I am going to get through this or not. Thanks for listening!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 3:28pm
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That cannot be the case. Your entire relationship is based on lies, as were all of ours. You may feel the love, as I thought I did...but looking back, it was a fantasy of my own making. I do believe my feelings were genuine...but I mislabeled them. I was infatuated, caught up in the excitement, lying to myself about the reality of the situation.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you have to face facts. I wish I had, sooner than I did. It would've saved me a lot of heartache.

Unless you want to leave your family, and expect him to leave his, your relationship will never work in the long-term. It will never be something you can rely on, take comfort in, be proud of. It will always be something secret and sly. And it will hurt you worse than help you.

Yes I miss exMM like hell, but I am better off without him. Focus on your life, your family...before you get in even further.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 5:04pm
Dallas, how do I just pretend it didn't happen and walk away? I know that my dh is the most wonderful man. You say it is just a fantasy, but my guy and I have loved each other since we were 17, if it was just a fantasy how would it have lasted that long? How could I still been in love with him? I think you are right for me to LET GO and think of my family. I've spent a lot of time not thinking about them but feeling very sorry for myself. It is like today....I just checked my email, NO EMAIL....NO CALL, nothing. I know we both have lives but I feel neglected and bad and hurt and I shouldn't feel that way. He always tells that if I don't hear from him from time to time it doesn't mean he doesn't love me just that there is not time to call or email. He does have a pretty crazy job in the military and a lot of responsiblity but it still hurts. You are right, I have to let go, but it is so hard. My heart just aches with pain today. I keep telling myself NO CONTACT, but WHY do I still think about him? Why can't I knock him out of my system? Tell me how long will it take? I almost called him twice but didn't. I am so worried, I'll never recover from any of this, because for 17 years he has been such a part of me, part of my life and my heart and NOW.........I've got to cut him loose. I just feel so terrible...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 5:25pm
Well, you can't pretend it didn't happen...that's impossible. Walking away, isn't.

You have to choose b/w MM and your H. You can't give yourself fully to both. Its not fair to hang on the fence b/w the two, not to you, and not to them.

I guess I'm wondering...if you were in love with MM for so long, why did you marry your H? Why didn't you and MM end up together? Just curious.

Its easier for me b/c I only was involved in my A for about 4 months, although we'd known each other for about a year before that. So I imagine my healing will be a little quicker than for some with long-term A's to get over.

I've heard it can take years to get over a relationship...but don't worry about that right now. Take it ONE day at a time, one HOUR at a time if you have to.

Unless you want to slowly kill yourself, you cannot be thinking about him so much...wondering what he's doing...etc etc. It will drive you crazy. When my exMM broke it off, I thought of him CONSTANTLY for about 2 weeks. Then slowly, I was able to let go a bit. Don't get me wrong, not an hour goes by that he doesn't cross my mind still. But I am making progress, and so will you.

Do this for you, for your H, for your sanity. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to get over in the end. Because its going to have to end, right? Might as well start the healing now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 5:44pm
Dallas, when I was 19, my guy called me and ask me to come and see him in while he was in training in the AF. He said he was getting married in a few weeks but he needed to know if he was over me and he needed to see me to know that because he didn't think he was. I didn't go. WORSE mistake of my life. I regret it terribly because I KNOW we'd be together today if I'd gone. I didn't have the money to get there or the time off work. If I could go back, I'd go. That is why he married and then once he was married, I married too. I do my my H, very much. He is a great guy and great provider. We have four boys together and love them very much. He loves his wife but I know he is sexually flustrated because over the years we have been upfront about everything in our lives. We have spent hours on the phone talking about our familys and sharing each other lives with one another. When his kids were born he called to tell me about them, when mine were I did the same. We've been lovers and best friends. We just never had a physical sexual relationship since were were 17 until this past summer. I KNOW you are right. I've got to let go. It has helped me so much to talk to you about it all. Thank you for being so supportive of me. It hurts me so much that he can handle this A so well. He said that he never has an A before with anyone and that he couldn't because of how it would hurt his W. He said with me it is different because we've loved each other for so long. I don't know Dallas, I am so hurt, I need to know it is over. I should tell him but it is so hard to do. I am trying to get passed it, really I am. Thank you for listening and being there for me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 5:49pm
Dear Dallas:

You have been an inspiration to me. Your story sounds alot like mine. And I am finally coming to the realization that so much of the "love" was a fantasy. Since the affair has been over for one year and I have had such little contact with him over the year--how could the "love" stay so strong if it wasn't alot of my fantasy in my head that keeps it going with or without him. I was reading Proust and he said that people don't realize that you only need your own head to be in love--

So I feel what you feel--I have seen him online so much over the last year--but now he is not on my buddy list--he IM me today and said sorry for leaving all the voice mails--its was a weak moment. Well I am no longer there for his weak moments as he has never been there for any of mine.

Stay strong

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 5:55pm
Wow...thats a tough story....

Don't spend time worrying about not making it to see him before his M. I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason, and if you two didn't end up together, its because that's not what was meant to be.

And second...if he was REALLY not over you...he wouldn't have married his W. Deep down, that's the truth. No one forced him to get married...he did it of his own free will.

Point is, you can't undo the past, so dwelling on it is a waste of mental energy and emotion. Just try to focus on where you are NOW, not where you MIGHT have been. Think of that line from the song Proud Mary -- "And I never lost a minute of sleep, worrying about the things that might have been."

And you don't know what kind of life you would've had with this man. You've gotten the best parts of him and haven't had to deal with him on a daily basis. Face it, we're all a little difficult to live with from time to time! You could marry the best lover in the world and I guarantee the passion would cool off over time and you'd still have things to disagree about and difficult times to face.

Maybe you should focus on your kids. They need you, 100% of you. You can't give them that when you're pining to be somewhere else.

Believe me, I KNOW its hard. But the ladies here can tell you, there's a light at the end of the tunnel (and no its not an oncoming train, ha!). Just give it a lot of thought. I would advise you to tell him outright that you can't talk to each other any more. You don't have a future together...and if you chose to...think of all the people who would be hurt by your decision.

Take care and keep posting. This is a good place to vent!



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 7:21pm
Girl

I don't want to sound harsh but you need to face the facts.

1) He is not your guy, he is the guy of the woman that he chooses to sleep with every night and make love to several times a week, you nothing but an interloper in there marraige.

2) He has not been in your life for 17 years most of that time you did not see or talk to him, he has been in your imagination were you have been building him and this whole relationship up into some wonderfull thing but it is not wonderfull it is just plain old fashion betrayal of the good man that loves you and has given his life to you.

3)This wonderfull man is a cheater and in his line of work he can be courtmarshaled for comminting adulatry and his wife and children could lose there means of living.

4)This man has involved you in cheating on your whole family, he has involved you in LIEING,CHEATING,SNEAKING AROUND AND BETRAYAL, A good man like the one you married does not do these things, a true friend would not do these things to you, these are the acts of a selfish self serving person.

I am sorry but the reality of affairs is not romantic stuff of romance novels it is just total rubbish.

Jmho

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 8:29pm
Hey Free, I can't imagine someone as straightforward as you was ever in an A.! How the heck did that happen?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 10-15-2004 - 8:40pm
TOO

Hi

I am not the same person I was 5 years ago, what I went through changed me a lot, XMM put me through hell and let me tell you pain can grow you up and force you to start to deal with life head on.

As to how I ended up in that mess, ten years of emotional abuse with a bit of physical abuse thrown in to spice up my life, if you are told long enough that you are a worthless failure you start to believe it and are an easy target for someone willing to tell you nice things about yourself to get were he wants to go.

That is a long story made very short.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Sat, 10-16-2004 - 8:36am
I know you are right Free, most of it is right. We have always been a constent in each other lives, but you are right about having to let go and realizing that he is not thy guy I am going to wake up next too, unless I walk away from everything that is important to me now, which I won't and neither will he. It is just so hard because we've loved each other for so long.......that is fact. I am really trying the NO contact. So far...so good. I just hope I'll be strong when he calls me and not answer the phone.

Thanks for all of your thoughs and advice....from everyone!

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