This is so hard for me......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
This is so hard for me......
12
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 9:46am
The feelings that I had for ex-MM are fading, and I'm at a comfortable place with that. It's just that I'm single, and I miss having that connection with someone. Even though the last year with ex-MM was horrible. I miss having that connection.

Ending this A is for me is about chaning the way I see myself. Feeling worthy of something good. That is what is so hard for me. Right now I'm so lonely. I thought that once I ended things with ex-MM, that my Prince Charming would fall from the sky. This is the longest I've been without having a man in my life in about 14 years.

I'm scared that I will never find that person for me. I guess I feel that I can't totally move past what I had with ex-MM until I'm in a new relationship. I keep wanting to just go back to ex-MM. All it would take is one phone call, and I would be right back where I started from. I have to keep reminding myself that ex-MM is not the one for me. Even if he D his W, that wouldn't change who he is. So, all I can do is wait this out. Sorry fro rampling, I'm just confused.

Secret......

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:32am
Although I'm married, I can understand what you mean. I don't even feel the connection with my H that i felt with my OM. It was such a deep connection in so many ways that I still haven't moved completely passed it. I hope that you do meet someone soon who is everything you want. That is probably one of the good things about being single is that there is always the possibility of finding that connection. As long as I continue to remain in a stagnate marriage, that possibility is not open to me. Keep hanging in there!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:32pm
If you're like me, you probably feel torn....part of me is so sad that the feelings are fading but part is relieved that it doesn't hurt so much anymore. Sometimes I really worry that I won't ever feel that connection to someone again. I used to tell MM when we were ending our relationship that sometimes I wished that I didn't know how good a relationship could be because now I had to realize what I couldn't have.

My situation is really strange right now because he is getting a divorce and I do spend time with him once in a while, but it's a very pale comparison to how our relationship used to be. I try not to think about it because it breaks my heart.

When we were ending the affair back in February, I kept trying to understand how he could be so successful in turning off (or at least turning down) the feelings he had for me. How can he be so in love with me and want to spend all of his time with me and then talk himself out of feeling that. I don't think he was really that successful in turning off the feelings, but he was definitely successful in ACTING like it. He now very carefully doesn't say anything aboout caring about me because he "doesn't want it to come back and haunt him." Yesterday I was telling him a story about a discussion that I'd had with a co-worker that had started a couple of months ago. xMM said, "See you never forget a conversation and things people say to you come back to haunt them." I told him that I just never realized that his feelings for me had an expiration date or that I needed to sift through his statements for truths vs. lies. Sometimes it still makes me very angry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:52pm
You describe how I feel so well. I KNOW that I could get over XMM and the A very easily if there was just someone else to take his place! XMM and I got along great but there were alot of things about him that did not meet that "qualifications" that I had set in my mind for my "ideal" guy. I wonder alot of times now if I gave in to him just because he had a way of making me feel attractive and smart and the physical relationship was a nice added bonus too.

I have learned so much about myself from XMM and I am sure that you have too. I read on this board from someone's post that we should remember the things that made the relationship work so well for us and rememebr what those things were so that it can be done again in another relationship.

Do you ever wish that you could look into your future and see who it is that you are supposed to end up with?? I want to know when I will be able to fully get over XMM and I feel that unless I meet someone else that it is never going to happen!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 2:06pm
I have wished that a thousand times. I wish I could just look into the future, to see who "he" is. Most of all I want to know "when" it will come in my life. Will I be 70 years old, when I finally meet this guy at the senior citizens center.

I have a longing for that special connection. It wasn't until this very moment that I actully knew what my addiction in this A was. It's that deep emotional connection you have with that person. You crave it, and it's like no other craving.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 2:27pm
I am still chuckling over your post - but not meeting someone until I am 70 is a BIG fear of mine!!! How long am I going to have to wait?

I am 23 and most people tell me that I have plenty of time. I know that. But in the past I had occasionally dated people and had "hook ups". That was enough for me - didn't really need a guy in my life. I have been very independent in the past but I feel like I need a guy now but it really isn't the guy so much it is that "connection". I posted earlier this week that I have been in a rut about the A and I know that a big part of it is because I want to be desired like that again and to have that connection. I am terrified that it is never going to happen again!

Sometimes I feel like one a pathetic Dear Abby letter. I used to read them and wonder what is wrong with that person - why can't they just get over it? Now I understand. It sucks bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 2:56pm
I just had my 40th birthday in March, and I'm really starting to panic. I'm closer to 70 than I care to realize.

On a day like today I feel like I could talk until my teeth fall out. I loved having those long intimate conversations with ex-MM. We would argue, and then make wild passionate love. Most of the time we never shared the same point of view. He would make a statement just to set me off.

The weather here is beautiful. I would love to sit on my patio with a glass of wine, and enjoy a full filling conversation with that "someone". I want that connection so badly, that I'm afraid that I will go back to ex-MM. I'm going to have to be strong.......stronger than strong.

Soliciting the help of those here.

Secret.......

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 3:35pm
The only advice that I can give and I tell myself constantly -

He is married which means that he is committed to someone other than me. I deserve a person who can be committed to me 100% 24/7. What I had with XMM was great but it wasn't all of the time - the other half of the time he had to spend with his W. I deserve someone that will be there all of the time. I know it is so hard sometimes not to give in - this week has been really hard for some reason. Also, I try not to "look" for that person. It seems that people never find love by "looking" - it kind of happens. That is how it happened with XMM at least and with some of my other friends so I try to remind myself of that alot. You and I just want to know when it is going to happen!!

The nice weather is bringing back lots of memories for me too, as much as I love summer I have actually been almost dreading it because I know it is going to trigger more memories. I used to be off on Friday's and that was one day that was set in stone that we would always spend together. We would always meet at this remote park to talk and would usually end up making love. Friday's are always hard but the nicer weather is making them worse! I often wonder if he ever thinks about those days. He used to tell me he couldn't wait until Friday. It is the little things like that that kill me!

Hang in there - I know from the past that when I start to get these feelings they usually start to fade in a couple of days.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 5:28pm
I remember not to long after this A started, ex-MM picked me up for a lunch date. It was spring, the weather was beautiful. We rode around the city with the windows down planning our life together. It is the most memorable time that we spent together. It was the first time he held my hand, and we just rode and talked. That was the moment I knew I loved him.

I miss him so much. Not him so much, but the connection we had.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 5:44pm
>>I miss him so much. Not him so much, but the connection we had. <<

I often wonder about this....is it him I loved or the connection? I think it's a little easier to face if you think it's the connection that was special. It takes a little of the pressure off of having to find THE ONE. (I don't believe there is ONLY ONE person that you can be happy with.)

Do you remember in "You've Got Mail" when Tom Hanks' dad has left his 5 or 6 SO and is telling Tom that he'll just have to find someone else and that's the easy part. Tom says something along the lines of, oh yeah, like it's easy to meet the one person in the world who makes your heart sing. His dad kind of snorts and says, "When has that ever happened." You know...the dad is looking for someone/anyone not THE ONE. It always makes me laugh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 6:55pm

So are all the single men in your area toads?


Just wondering why you at the grand old age of 40 are willing to settle for someone who is not available to spend those long afternoons talking with you without having to make a lie and excuse to his wife and children to spend time with you........


You're worth full, undivided attention. And the wait until someone single is worth your time.......


jmh 49yo m o


cl-nre

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