so Lonesome I could cry, too, Hank.
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| Wed, 11-18-2009 - 5:25pm |
I think this might be a karma moment? something like that? I just had a "WHOOP! kick ass" event at work. Which, of course, is wonderful and great and super and I'm sooooo excited. Then.... it hits me, "whom do I tell?" I want to tell my xAP. He'd flip. But instead, I have only my H to tell. My tired, disinterested husband (who hardly grunted in response to my 'updates' re: this work project over the past few weeks.) And I'm so incredibly lonely, sad, and tired of working on what seems ought to be intuitive. By that, I mean, I have to coach my clueless husband on how to respond. Arg. He's trying - honest- he's really trying. I just get so irritated. And I don't blame him for not being in touch with me; I certainly haven't been in touch with him, either!
I blame myself for all this loneliness and frustration; if I'd been more 'present' in my marriage over the last three years (and not in an A for 19months of that), and if I were not in the throws of depression, anxiety and regret right now as I try to extricate myself from the pile of sh*t I've build during the A, then I'd be much more capable and prepared to deal with this problem without the distraction of all the stupid drama I've put in my way.
What's that banging sound? Oh, that's just Consequences knocking on the door!
-Comparing my DH to AP. Not fair. Hardly avoidable, though.
-Addicted to the ego strokes that Pimp AP doled out to Attention Whore me.
- so mired down in drama and maudlin self-pity that the tiniest little bump in the road sends my cart a'tumbling.
- Kicking myself knowing that if I'd only stayed on the right track, worked on myself, not turned to the easy comfort and cheap fix of an A, I'd be light years ahead of where I am now - emotionally, spiritually - heck, even socially... since, I don't have anyone to turn to to share my happiness re: work because I neglected everyone during my A.
- I neglected my RL and H for my UnRL with xAP and now I've got neither, really.
Reaping what I've sown. It's a nasty harvest, let me tell you what. I'm so incredibly lonely for my x. I'm lonely for my H. I'm missing the me that used to be confident and happy. I am crying so hard, but it's on the INSIDE because I'm at work. Choking back sobs _hurts_, you know that? And I clenched my fists so tightly, trying to avoid picking up the phone to break NC, that I'm bleeding from my nails digging into my palms.
thanks for letting me have this outlet to wallow and kick myself.
xo-
Dee
(ps. my job-thing really, really, really rocks! and I'm sooooo cool for pulling it off! ha!)

Hi Dee,
Sounds like you had an awesome event!!! Congrats. It feels so good when you see the fruits of your labor.
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You peeked at my journal entry didn’t you?
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Maybe we all work harder now and we wouldn’t have before. The negativity of the A does at least help us see what we have to be thankful for and all that we want to keep in our lives. I’m not sure we would have the same perspective or motivation without the experience. Not saying A in itself was good. Just saying that wisdom only comes with experience.
Think about how you can tell your H that this event was important to you and you wanted to share your happiness with him. Let him know how he can be there for you. If he is willing to be, that is huge. Some men are not willing to put forth the effort. Men are so lost sometimes. They really want to get it they know they need to buy a vowel, phone a friend, or use 50/50 but most times they don’t know what life line to use.
So next time, tell him to phone a friend. Do some roll playing. You be the friend and tell him how he should react to his wife’s good news and how he can support her. Hang up and let him do a “do over”. I bet he’ll be right on with his second chance card. Oh yeah that is a life line we have here at my house. The second chance aka try again card. I’d like to get one of those buzzers from Staples…it would be more fun than the Uhhhunt sound I make.
Don’t beat yourself up. It’s life. We learn and move forward.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Congratulations on your job achievement!!
Congrats girlie girl!!! :) Way to go on the job!!
Gotta love the door consequences. I would love to nail it shut sometimes but that doesn't do ANY good at all. It is all the guilt, embarassment, shame...it hurts and it sucks horribly! To me it is the worst of all.
YOU ROCK!!! And avoid the pimp handouts....they aren't real! ;)
Take care,
Hope