So Much Anguish

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
So Much Anguish
1
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 12:42pm
I have lurked these boards for almost a year now...all of the affair boards...trying to understand what in the hell I was doing. Trying to draw strength and wisdom to end something I knew in my mind should have never begun. But it seems to many times... right or wrong...the heart prevails. I dont know how to put a 2 and a half year ordeal...or my pain and anger...into a few short words but ill try. Im a pessimist...never believing in 'love at first sight' or 'happily ever after'. So when before I had even met my MM and I heard him laugh...God that laugh...I knew...KNEW I loved this man. But I also knew he was married and at first accepted it for what it was. Till we had sex...something I NEVER take lightly...and everything changed. His wife soon found out and he tried to end it with me. After talking we continued with our 'relationship'. I used to tell him there was a 'cheaters manuel' for men that every male cheater had read because they all had the same stories...I sleep on the couch...im there for my kids..financially isnt a good time...im not sleeping with her...I love her but im not IN love with her. I knew deep down he was lying because he knew he'd lose me if they were 'together'. But I chose to 'believe' him cause the alternate option...walking away...was to painful. Now 2 years later...he finally told his wife that he and I have a 3 month old daughter together. She and his family wanted a paternity test...understandably..I whole heartedly agreed to it...even set it up myself because I knew...unlike him...I had remained completely faithful to him the whole 2+ years (results came back 99.99998 is his) Well one week ago today I found out he has been lying to me...told her we were through..hadnt seen me talked to me etc. I completely lost it...and yes...even messaged his wife to inform her he had been lying to me and her the last year. I regretted my decision right away because I thought...if I feel this much pain..I dont want to begin to imagine her pain. Anyway we talked and were civil to each other and she got answers to questions she had. She asked me if I was 'done with him now' and I said yes and she thanked me (which of course makes me feel like a horrible person). He called me that night distraught and crying...saying hes glad its out in the open...that the truth is known by all now..and he wants to start over...with me! HUH??? I told him his wife loves him and to go home. Says he will sleep on the couch and when he gets back from business trip (fri) he'll begin looking to move. I gave him till the end off the month and told him I will have no physical contact with him until he is out on his own. And lots of other stipulations as to how he will treat me... Except now im thinking...if...whish is a huge if...he does leave...I can never truly trust him..or he'll go back to her..or that hes still lying now... I KNOW I need out...but sometimes I truly cant breath without him. I lost 8 lbs since last Mon and havent slept hardly at all. I had to receive IV fluids for dehydration and am just now beginning to be able to eat again. I guess im not specifically asking for any advice as much as for thoughts and prayers to help me through this. He's called me couple times today and I sit there with the phone ringing in my hand willing myself to not answer. But im not sure ill make it through this day...If you made it this far...lol...thanks for listening to my sad pathetic rant. ((hugs))
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 5:54pm
Welcome, honey. My heart goes out to you. What a difficult situation! I can't say I blame you for not wanting to trust him. I don't think I would either. I don't have any really good advice, just wanted to send you a ((((((hug)))))) and bump your message to the top of the board. Best of luck to you!

mo 7-18-10