So much harder than I thought
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So much harder than I thought
| Thu, 09-30-2010 - 7:35am |
Ok so I felt pretty crap at the start of this 3 weeks ago.
| Thu, 09-30-2010 - 7:35am |
Ok so I felt pretty crap at the start of this 3 weeks ago.
It is so much harder than I thought it would be too. It is the hardest, loneliest time of my life. However, these feelings are much more manageable for me than the overwhelming anxiety, guilt, insecurity, self-loathing feelings that had manifested within the affair. I did not have these feelings prior to the affair.
I wonder Iggy about this statement:
"I just miss him so much and cant believe that all those things we did were so easy for him to turn his back on."
So many of your posts make reference to wondering how he could just walk away, how easy it has been for him etc ... I am doing exactly what your ex is doing in terms of NOT responding to anything xAP sends my way. I do not engage him in talks about how difficult this is, how much I miss him, and I shot down any/all talk of if we can't be lovers than let's figure out a way to be in one anothers life. He asked me for a lifetime to try and work it out. I wouldn't/counldn't imagine one more second. So you see - I know he thinks I have just walked away and am doing fine. I have to portray this for both our sakes. He just wants to take the poor me road - he wants to feel like what we had was so special that I couldn't possibly move on so easily. The alternative is, what? Respond to his fishing? Respond to his pleas for contact? Where would that get me? Where would that get him? How would that be in our best interests? Nope, isn't going to happen. Not because I don't miss 'him' but because my real life needs me to keep my reality in check. Ya it's hard Iggy ... I wonder if there is still a part of you that is holding onto the fantasy? This is self-torture. This is the hardest part of the battle. Acceptance. Give yourself time. You HAVE been working so so hard ... and all that hard work WILL pay off - but you gotta give it more time. You have to have faith and courage during this dark time. Think of all those incredible and brave women around the world that are living in the most horrific conditions possible but who are still fighting the good fight. I heard a story yesterday of a woman tied to trees in the Congo for 6 years who still celebrated the birthdays of her children with her captures. They would allow her to fry bread and celebrate. One year she did this tied by a chain around her neck. She is free now and spoke of believing in possibilities outside of your capacity to see otherwise.
believe Iggy, in possibilities outside of your capacity to see otherwise.
Much Love,
TU.
TU, excellent post.
Garfy
NC since 13 September 2010 and trying to feel great...
Fate d
Oh Iggy,
I can feel the pain you are going through right now.
(((Iggy)))
There are only three things that will help you get over this:
Time, patience and resolve.
It is HARD. Every single day it's hard. But like TU said, what is the alternative? Going back to square one? Try to stop thinking about what XAP is doing or feeling. We have NO idea what is truly going through their heads or what they are feeling in their heart. There is no point in guessing. Keep moving forward :)
Bodhi
P.S. - TU - I love your new moniker!! Past tense is a good thing :)
I too understand how you are feeling, how hard it is and that it nearly kills you to see him fine, unhurt, emotionless and as if nothing in the world is bothering him. I get that and it sucks to wonder what they are thinking and feeling, I've come to learn and realize it does not matter what they think/feel but I too still wonder from time to time.
I work with XAP and some days are harder then others but for the most part I am doing GREAT, you have to take it a day at a time and like another poster said, the good days definitely out-weigh the bad days now.
You will get through this, day at a time.
Hugs
Iggy,
I am SO impatient--like one of the worst people I know. And that impatience got me into loads of trouble when I first started ending my A over a year ago. Cuz I would feel just like you . . . why isn't it getting better? Why is this still so hard? How can he be so over it already and I'm still suffering? When will this END?
And so I would go back, and go back, and go back--not physically, but emotionally and mentally. I'd contact him to try to ease the pain, but every single da** time, I'd get burned again.
Think of it like this: If you get wounded physically, your body doesn't heal overnight. If it's a serious injury, the recovery and healing time could take months. In an A, the emotional wounds are intense . . . the pain is not going to go away overnight :(
You gotta just pull yourself up by your bootstraps, STOP focusing on XAP (seriously . . . every time you think about how "well" he's doing, which is only your speculation, visualize a STOP sign in your mind and move on to the next thought), and breathe in another big dose of patience.
Healing takes time. I know that sucks, but there is no fast-forwarding through this process. The payoff is, you're a stronger, more resolved, determined, healthier individual in the end.
Keep on keepin' on, girlfriend.
by xxiced
Struggling over the last 48 too Iggy. I've been doing great. (or so I thought ) I've made plans with different friends to do something, ANYthing, everyday. Being alone is dangerous for me. But I can't go out to lunch and shopping everyday! I've got a job (from home), and chores, my house is falling apart! We have no groceries! So yesterday, my plan was to get some stuff done, grocery store, dry cleaners, laundry... but to tell the truth I just ended up sulking most of the day. I didn't feel so hot so I just kinda hung around and again the tears are right there. I was very surprised and angry with myself. I've been doing so well. Last night H came home late and immediately fell asleep. I was pretty thankful because I could just barely hold it together. I'm thinking the same stuff as you. I haven't heard form him at all and I have not contacted him. I feel like he has just walked away too. It's like a death! He's just gone! How could he? it's hard to accept that I'll never see him again and that maybe he wants it that way. :(
Anyway...you're not alone. Another newbie in distress here too.
Hang in there, Iggy. You've gotten some great responses and I don't need to repeat what's already been said. Just wanted to send you a BIG ((HUG)).
~Iddy~
Thanks guys- as always - amazing support and words!
TU, you really made me think about why I am so strung out about why he walked away so easily. I havent really thought about the possibility that he may be doing this to protect himself and me- who knows.
He never talks feelings- like EVER- and the only words he said about this is that it hurts! It hurts when we were together, hurts now. So maybe he is protecting himself by keeping NC. Who knows. It doesnt