Hold on! Hold on!!! You can do it. I pray you won't make the same mistake I made and break NC. It is NOT worth it! If you think you are suffering now, break NC, and you will see just how horrible it can get. Trust me; I know what I'm talking about. I, too, feel just like you do - all the 'why's', all the 'missing', all the pain, and all the secrecy from my family who doesn't know why I'm suffering. I'm a bloody mess! However, I learned the hardest way, breaking NC just made it worse. If my huge mistake has any silver lining let it be that you hear my words and don't repeat my stupidity.
Be proud of yourself that you deleted the email! Baby steps, baby steps... one little thing at a time. "Fake it until you make it" - it will get easier, I promise. This is not forever.
KMG6- You can do a search for my posts and see my story. I just broke NC and posted about it recently. I'm just at the time and place now where I am being honest with myself about why I broke NC, what I was really, really, deeeeep down inside, looking for and how it REALLY would have f'd me up if he'd responded any other way than how he did -- which was to completely shut me down and tell me to go away. Ouch! but, thank god that's how he responded, right? because, like you, I don't know how I would have responded to any other outcome. Scary, to think one can come so far, only to fall like a rock with one misstep. The newbies will read on this board of only ONE outcome for breaking NC... bad, bad, badness.
You're wise to recognize a trigger for your pain with the music-thing. I also have to be very, very careful there. My xAP is musician and I'm also in the music business.... a huge part of our connection was music, songs, lyrics. I can't even listen to the radio anymore (at least for now) and I am terrified I'll actually hear HIM and lose it on the dang highway. Anyway, my rambling point is: be wise about torturing yourself with melodrama and bittersweet longing, like crying along to the radio and such. I dunno, it's kind of like doing that melodrama is a cathartic rush, or like being thankful to be able to _feel_ something intensely (even if it's pain) instead of feeling numb and dead -- but, it's really so much better to PROTECT yourself from that sort of thing.
I'm just a newbie and really struggling. All I can do is offer support and comaraderie. Please hold out until the Vets get to you; they are ah-maz-ing. Listen to everything they say, make it your new bible! You'll be fine, if so.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
It's going to be a rough ride for a while, but contacting JAM as the other ladies have written, would be shooting yourself in the foot...and believe me, THAT'S PAINFUL.
<<>>
This one is all on you, Kmg. Our lies can hurt us more than someone else doing the lying.
I too am a newbie....just over a week no contact. Today was the toughest. I wanted to break NC and go the f off so bad. See the threat "Need you guys bad" or something like that. I had a convo all ready to go. For new OW, for MM. I litertally had a script I wrote downs. I felt better to get it out.
For him I drafted a email. I wanted to send it so bad, this man has made me to be crazy and deranged. I know that. N had I sent that email, that is exactly what he would have wanted. I never sent the email. I never made a call. I sucked it up. I held it together. Barely. But I did it. I wanted to go off so bad, I am a venter, I need to release things so be ok. I could not release and had no one to release to.
I wanted to break no contact, by far was my most tempting day, I had to suck it up and it hurt like hell, but me contacting him would only stroke his ego and but for me reading this board I would have said and done something I am not proud of. Something I know I will regret. Its over and that means just that, its over. Nothing to say....no way to have closure, no way to make peace.
I too feel your pain...but you got thru it, just like I did. You did it, I did and we should both be proud. It will get tough again, but come here and vent....dont contact him....write another email, journal, do what you need to, but do not contact him. vent here. I am here, we all are
KMG6-
Hold on! Hold on!!! You can do it. I pray you won't make the same mistake I made and break NC. It is NOT worth it! If you think you are suffering now, break NC, and you will see just how horrible it can get. Trust me; I know what I'm talking about. I, too, feel just like you do - all the 'why's', all the 'missing', all the pain, and all the secrecy from my family who doesn't know why I'm suffering. I'm a bloody mess! However, I learned the hardest way, breaking NC just made it worse. If my huge mistake has any silver lining let it be that you hear my words and don't repeat my stupidity.
Be proud of yourself that you deleted the email! Baby steps, baby steps... one little thing at a time. "Fake it until you make it" - it will get easier, I promise. This is not forever.
God bless you, Dear Heart. Be strong.
Thank you so much for your words of encouragement.
KMG6-
You can do a search for my posts and see my story. I just broke NC and posted about it recently. I'm just at the time and place now where I am being honest with myself about why I broke NC, what I was really, really, deeeeep down inside, looking for and how it REALLY would have f'd me up if he'd responded any other way than how he did -- which was to completely shut me down and tell me to go away. Ouch! but, thank god that's how he responded, right? because, like you, I don't know how I would have responded to any other outcome. Scary, to think one can come so far, only to fall like a rock with one misstep. The newbies will read on this board of only ONE outcome for breaking NC... bad, bad, badness.
You're wise to recognize a trigger for your pain with the music-thing. I also have to be very, very careful there. My xAP is musician and I'm also in the music business.... a huge part of our connection was music, songs, lyrics. I can't even listen to the radio anymore (at least for now) and I am terrified I'll actually hear HIM and lose it on the dang highway. Anyway, my rambling point is: be wise about torturing yourself with melodrama and bittersweet longing, like crying along to the radio and such. I dunno, it's kind of like doing that melodrama is a cathartic rush, or like being thankful to be able to _feel_ something intensely (even if it's pain) instead of feeling numb and dead -- but, it's really so much better to PROTECT yourself from that sort of thing.
I'm just a newbie and really struggling. All I can do is offer support and comaraderie. Please hold out until the Vets get to you; they are ah-maz-ing. Listen to everything they say, make it your new bible! You'll be fine, if so.
Sending you tons of good energy.
Dee
kmg6,
Hi Kmg,
Sorry you are having a rough day.
My NC breach came 6 months into NC. (E1 is still kicking herself in the butt for that one.)
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
KMG,
It's going to be a rough ride for a while, but contacting JAM as the other ladies have written, would be shooting yourself in the foot...and believe me, THAT'S PAINFUL.
<<>>
This one is all on you, Kmg. Our lies can hurt us more than someone else doing the lying.
<<
~Iddy~
I too am a newbie....just over a week no contact. Today was the toughest. I wanted to break NC and go the f off so bad. See the threat "Need you guys bad" or something like that. I had a convo all ready to go. For new OW, for MM. I litertally had a script I wrote downs. I felt better to get it out.
For him I drafted a email. I wanted to send it so bad, this man has made me to be crazy and deranged. I know that. N had I sent that email, that is exactly what he would have wanted. I never sent the email. I never made a call. I sucked it up. I held it together. Barely. But I did it. I wanted to go off so bad, I am a venter, I need to release things so be ok. I could not release and had no one to release to.
I wanted to break no contact, by far was my most tempting day, I had to suck it up and it hurt like hell, but me contacting him would only stroke his ego and but for me reading this board I would have said and done something I am not proud of. Something I know I will regret. Its over and that means just that, its over. Nothing to say....no way to have closure, no way to make peace.
I too feel your pain...but you got thru it, just like I did. You did it, I did and we should both be proud. It will get tough again, but come here and vent....dont contact him....write another email, journal, do what you need to, but do not contact him. vent here. I am here, we all are