His W had the nervous breakdown and is in a mental hospital and you want to contact him because you are worried about HIM???? Come on Alice, really ask yourself why you are more worried about him and not worried about this poor woman who is going through this awful time. Part of what we learn when we are sneaking and hiding is to be deceptive, very deceptive. We actually make the MM wives disappear off of the earth to make it OK for sleeping with their H. We literally forget they exist. What you are doing now is some of the same thinking that you did while you were in the A. Her nervous breakdown and hospitalization is hard enough to deal with. You have no place in their lives - period. Let the two of them sort out their drama and stay out of it. If you re-read your post you will see that it is lined with the same selfishness that caused you to stay in the A in the first place. Stay out of their lives and take care of your family. He is a big boy and doesn't need his ex-mistress to help him through this hard time. You have already "helped" him enough.
I agree with Why ask Why, Alice. I know that it is hard NOT to worry about xap... I worry about mine too because his W was so physically abusive, but really, if anything, you should be worried about his W and not him... and in reality, you should be worrying about none of them. They don't concern you. He doesn't concern you. His W doesn't concern you and his kids don't concern you. The sooner you shut that off in your mind. The better. I know it's easier said than done.
I think its completely expected for you to want to be 'there for him'; but thats just human nature-well good human nature to want to help someone in their time of need. But you need to stay out of this, the family does not need more stress added to the situation.
<<< ...and I know, I know he thinks our A did this to her...Oh boy!>>> I think this is where youre feeling guilty from -xap blaming you,this is a coping mechanism for him.
The A didnt do this to her, Im sure it contrubed to things but there is most likely something else going on that has nothing to do with you.
The best thing you can do is keep the family in your positive prayers and thoughts.
DM
P.S. Have you read the post 'The Zen of doing nothing?' its in the healing library if you havent.
Someone on this board said this to me when I was worrying about xap: You are still worrying about him, which is the exact power you have been trying to shake. Remember, the A could not have survived if you hadn’t made the choices you made and become the person you don’t like. This is the behavior he liked and supported in you because it stroked his ego. Don’t forgive him for this and don’t accept the entire burden. Be strong and hold him accountable for his half of the choices. You are good and you are strong. You are worth more than you could imagine.
So, while he may be "blaming" you for what has happened to his W, what you need to realize is that it takes two.
Guilt is not fun. About 2 weeks post-A, I was really struggling with guilt. I posted about it here and someone said: Guilt is a misplaced emotion; it’s anger turned inward. The person we offended or hurt may even have forgiven us (or may not know of our transgression), but we haven’t forgiven ourselves. In some ways, your guilt is continuing to affect your relationship with your H. As we struggle with our internal anger, the guilt creates distance between us and others. Guilt makes it hard for us to move forward; how can we move forward when we are beating ourselves up? Have you tried to forgive yourself for the decisions you have made and to be gentle with yourself in understanding why and the hurt that it resulted in?
When we let go of guilt, it’s not to say that we shouldn’t have regrets for our actions. This is very much where my emotions were confused. It is important for us to feel regret when we make poor decisions that result in hurt and pain in others (or ourselves). We have to acknowledge that if we are to learn and make changes in our lives. The difference between guilt and regret, is that regret provides room for understanding. When we let go of the anger that we direct at ourselves, regret provides us with the opportunity to change. This is similar, I think, to posts from others suggesting that we must accept our roles in an A and our actions. This is critically important for personal growth, but it isn’t necessary to continue to be angry at ourselves. Letting go of that anger, forgiving ourselves, opens up a pathway to stronger relationships with others.
Think of it this way… When we learn to treat ourselves with kindness, we are better able to treat others with kindness.
Anyway... not sure how much of that is relevant, but I know both of those posts helped me a lot.
I think I know more about your xAP and his wife then I do about you and your life ;) You seem to know a lot about xAP’s wife’s schedule and her wear abouts and the state of her M. I agree that is “So Sad.”
That is very sad if problems have driven xAP’s wife to suffer a break down but what would be even worse is if these rumors circulating about her that are not true.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
I had a daoooh moment when I realized I did not mention in my first reply that it is good that you did not contact xAP. I know that is an achievement for you. Kudos!
It’s not an easy task being honest with ourselves and starting to peel away the layers to see what is underneath.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
I agree with Why ask Why, Alice. I know that it is hard NOT to worry about xap... I worry about mine too because his W was so physically abusive, but really, if anything, you should be worried about his W and not him... and in reality, you should be worrying about none of them. They don't concern you. He doesn't concern you. His W doesn't concern you and his kids don't concern you. The sooner you shut that off in your mind. The better. I know it's easier said than done.
Hugs.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Hi Alice,
I think its completely expected for you to want to be 'there for him'; but thats just human nature-well good human nature to want to help someone in their time of need. But you need to stay out of this, the family does not need more stress added to the situation.
<<< ...and I know, I know he thinks our A did this to her...Oh boy!>>>
I think this is where youre feeling guilty from -xap blaming you,this is a coping mechanism for him.
The A didnt do this to her, Im sure it contrubed to things but there is most likely something else going on that has nothing to do with you.
The best thing you can do is keep the family in your positive prayers and thoughts.
DM
P.S. Have you read the post 'The Zen of doing nothing?' its in the healing library if you havent.
Alice-
Someone on this board said this to me when I was worrying about xap: You are still worrying about him, which is the exact power you have been trying to shake. Remember, the A could not have survived if you hadn’t made the choices you made and become the person you don’t like. This is the behavior he liked and supported in you because it stroked his ego. Don’t forgive him for this and don’t accept the entire burden. Be strong and hold him accountable for his half of the choices. You are good and you are strong. You are worth more than you could imagine.
So, while he may be "blaming" you for what has happened to his W, what you need to realize is that it takes two.
Guilt is not fun. About 2 weeks post-A, I was really struggling with guilt. I posted about it here and someone said: Guilt is a misplaced emotion; it’s anger turned inward. The person we offended or hurt may even have forgiven us (or may not know of our transgression), but we haven’t forgiven ourselves. In some ways, your guilt is continuing to affect your relationship with your H. As we struggle with our internal anger, the guilt creates distance between us and others. Guilt makes it hard for us to move forward; how can we move forward when we are beating ourselves up? Have you tried to forgive yourself for the decisions you have made and to be gentle with yourself in understanding why and the hurt that it resulted in?
When we let go of guilt, it’s not to say that we shouldn’t have regrets for our actions. This is very much where my emotions were confused. It is important for us to feel regret when we make poor decisions that result in hurt and pain in others (or ourselves). We have to acknowledge that if we are to learn and make changes in our lives. The difference between guilt and regret, is that regret provides room for understanding. When we let go of the anger that we direct at ourselves, regret provides us with the opportunity to change. This is similar, I think, to posts from others suggesting that we must accept our roles in an A and our actions. This is critically important for personal growth, but it isn’t necessary to continue to be angry at ourselves. Letting go of that anger, forgiving ourselves, opens up a pathway to stronger relationships with others.
Think of it this way… When we learn to treat ourselves with kindness, we are better able to treat others with kindness.
Anyway... not sure how much of that is relevant, but I know both of those posts helped me a lot.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Alice!
I think I know more about your xAP and his wife then I do about you and your life ;) You seem to know a lot about xAP’s wife’s schedule and her wear abouts and the state of her M. I agree that is “So Sad.”
That is very sad if problems have driven xAP’s wife to suffer a break down but what would be even worse is if these rumors circulating about her that are not true.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi Alice,
I had a daoooh moment when I realized I did not mention in my first reply that it is good that you did not contact xAP. I know that is an achievement for you. Kudos!
It’s not an easy task being honest with ourselves and starting to peel away the layers to see what is underneath.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.