So sad....

Avatar for samm1226
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
So sad....
8
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 10:04am
I will try to make a v e r y long story short. I am married and have been having an affair for 2 years. I have known all along it was wrong and have struggled so much with what to do. It was certainly the biggest mistake of my life. I finally came to my senses and got up enough courage to break it off. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, he walked out on me and will not take phone calls, emails, etc. I understand that he is hurt because my heart is broken too, but I can't get past this without some sort of closure. I feel like I have really lost not only a love, but my best friend. He has told me so many times that no matter what happened between us we would always be friends. Obviously that was a lie. What gets me is that he didn't even take the time to ask why or anything. I barely had time to take a breath and he was gone. I don't want to bug him. I just cannot believe he can change feelings that quickly. He sent me one email that said do not contact him, that he does not want to see or hear what I have to say and he will not read my emails. I guess what I am asking is for some advice, support, whatever. I have no one to talk to about this. I really want my marriage to work and do not want to spend my time whining over this. It was my decision and I know it was the right thing to do, but it is hurting so much. Any advice would be so appreciated. I just need to know how to move on. Thanks.

//www.sparklee.com
 
Avatar for stre2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: samm1226
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 10:55am
Some here may disagree but my thoughts are.........

Sure he's hurt and probably even angry but chances are that he's also very relieved that it's over! His actions and one line request that you not contact him as he won't even read the emails shows his true colors!

My xMM and so MANY others seem to follow the same pattern and the words that no matter what happens we'll always be friends is nothing more then THEIR effort to keep us calm (during and after the affair).

As to moving on.... you obviously ended the A because you know it's wrong, it's a relationship that will never turn into anything positive (normal) and you've realized that you want to be a committed wife to your H. It's time for you to let go of MM... forgive yourself and work on dealing with the problems within your marriage that led you to having an affair in the first place.

Take it from someone that has been there... done that... DON'T waste time wondering, analyzing and trying to figure out why MM is or is not acting/reacting in a certain manner because in the final analysis and as time goes on... you will realize all your efforts were worthless and just wasted a lot of time! Work on yourself! Work on communicating better with your H and work on changing the ONLY person you can... YOU!

Good luck to you!

Sherry

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: samm1226
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 2:54pm
I know how you're feeling. I was the married woman having an affair with a single man for more than a year. I struggled the whole time, at first it was exciting and new then when reality started to hit it became difficult. I can't tell you how many times I said to my other man that I can't do this anymore. He used to tell me "Don't think so much" LOL. ( all you do during this is think, think, and think some more!!!)

Like everyone on this board will tell you it just gets easier! For me it was finding this board (which I stumbled upon while trying to see if our horoscopes made a love match, how funny is that LOL)and reading all the posts. When I read the affair support board I immediatly felt ill from reading the stories about how good people were feeling from being with someone elses H/W (I don't mean to offend anyone). Then I read all the hurt that everyone felt from ending an affair and said why on earth am I doing this to myself!

Several weeks ago I went on a family vacation, I remember watching my husband with our children and thinking I could not have chosen a better man to have a family with. And as far as a spouse, I realized if I gave my husband half of what I did my other man I would have gotten so much more in return.

Needless too say that doesn't mean I don't care about my OM, I do. We have remained friends and he is going to begin dating and I am happy for him because he deserves to be with someone who is free to love him, so does your man. The selfish part of me only wants him to only want me, but it is just that,SELFISH. Just like Sherry said you will NEVER get closure. He is probably hurting terribly, guys express their emotion very different from women. Let him go and deal with this on his own. Focus on your family, it will become much more rewarding than the affair ever was. I didn't say exciting, but rewarding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
In reply to: samm1226
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 3:32pm
Samm,

I know the hurt you are experiencing. My OM and I have broken things off several times because we know it is the right thing to do but it doesn't ease the pain no matter how morally right it is!! And my OM also said to never contact him again when I was the one to end it with him. I think in a way that is how they deal with the hurt they feel. They are human too. I'm not sure what advice to give except to grieve your "loss" if you need to and posting here really helps!!

Take care of yourself,

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
In reply to: samm1226
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 10:57am
Hi Sherry

Thank you for your advice on your last paragraph....I am going to copy and paste and put it EVERYWHERE To reread. I am new here


it's been one and a half days no contact with MM

this is horrible....i am nervous shaky like withdrawal......headache tense anxious maybe i need meds?

i want to call him so bad- he is the only one i share ANYTHING with ..... but i need to and should end this relationship because much leaves me empty and disappointed

i feel paralyzed at times....he is on my mind always- i am not functioning so well in my marital relationship- i can barely talk to my husband, let alone be affectionate, and he is a pretty good guy.

i have no close girlfriends on which to dump all of this

i know i have so much work to do emotionally. i try and stay busy- focussed on my work and family/home and i can be quite successful in those areas. now i just need to work on ME. i just loved so much of my relationship with mm - mostly the emotional connection (which lately has waned on his part), the passion (which also has waned on his part), the friendship (he has been my best friend for six years-gosh i will miss him so much)

he has let me down,disappointed me in a lot of ways- which really is no surprise to me. 6 years i gave gave gave and compromised myself. and now i have had enough.....for ME i need to stay strong

looking forward to this board ...looks like it has helped so many


Edited 5/15/2003 3:40:50 PM ET by nosurprise

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
In reply to: samm1226
Thu, 05-15-2003 - 3:42pm
Hi Samm... First let me say that you are not alone, you have this board to talk to and post your feelings on. I can't explain it, I just know it has been a saving grace for me at a time when I was unsure if I could stay with my DH. Not only did the sound advice I get influence my decision to stay, but it is also helping me to mend my own broken heart and to get over XOM/MM. (((Hugs))) and welcome.

That being said, I do have a question for you. You mentioned that you told XOM that you wanted to end the EMA, which is a good start, but have you told your DH yet?

I can totally relate to what you feel as far as the XOM's reaction. As soon as I told my XOM we couldn't go on like we were and that I was going to tell my H, it was as if someone had flipped a switch, and suddenly he didn't love me anymore. Same as you, no phone calls, no emails, no nothing. That left me to doubt everything I thought I knew about him. That type of abrupt end can leave one feeling like a hurricane just swept over ground they thought was safe. Remember, though, that whatever that hurricane blew away, foundations still exist. You have the foundation of self, foundation of a marriage, and those can be beautifully rebuilt to be anything you want them to be!

When you told XOM it was over, he probably felt insecure and rejected, and it was likely a big blow to his ego. His way of cutting off contact was likely what he perceived to be as his only recourse towards you. Once the decision to end EMA is made, you can no longer shoulder his feelings... you have to re-focus onto your feelings and that of your DH's. Easier said than done, I know, but you simply must let go. I don't advise pressing the issue of closure with the XOM; I tried it, and it caused not only more hurt, but more confusion. Getting the perfectly packaged ending is not likely in this type of situation, much as we wish it could be. I suggest you seek counseling both for you and your DH to help you sort out your personal and marital issues. Start there, come here, and just seek loving support anywhere you can find it! We're here for you :) ~Mel






Edited 5/15/2003 6:06:54 PM ET by melyn610

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: samm1226
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 9:25am
I went on snti-depressants myself. It really helped. I found out that I've been depressed for years. I was so used to it, that I didn't realize it. I always knew that I wasn't happy inside, but didn't know why. That's why I kept going from bad man to worse! LOL I'm not saying that anti-depressants are for everyone, you still have to feel a little pain, that is part of the healing process, but I don't feel the constant, my world is over pain. I am on Effexor ER. It is new and the best anti-depressant I have ever taken. (and I've taken a couple!) If you are feeling hopeless, helpless, and it's been a while, maybe you should see a doctor!

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: samm1226
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 11:20am
Many women here understand your pain and sadness, the lack of closure that results in so much wondering, analyzing, and prolonged grieving. This board has helped me a lot with comfort and food for thought - it helps to know other people have experienced the same thing.

Something that was said on this board that helped me: the concept of reality vs. fantasy, facing up to the possibility that the man simply did not view the relationship the way you did and doesn't feel the need for closure. Someone else suggested in another post (attributed to Dr.Phil) that a man will reject you if he thinks you are going to reject him.

I would cetainly like to thank the woman who posted this line: "I WAS IN LOVE WITH THE MAN I WANTED HIM TO BE". I repeat that to myself whenever I find myself pining over the other man. It has been seven months since we were last together, followed by a period of e-mail correspondence that consisted of - you guessed it - me begging for answers (and not getting any). Today marks 12 weeks of no contact for me. In some ways that affair was the best thing that ever happened to me so it's hard not to obsess about it. I am finally starting to put some of that energy into other areas of my life.

I wish you peace and I hope things happen in your life soon to make you WANT to put this behind you. In the mean time, you can express yourself here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: samm1226
Sun, 05-18-2003 - 11:27am
Whoa! Just checked the calander - it's actually been 13 weeks of No Contact for me. See, after awhile life moves on and you quit counting the days!