So Stupid - I miss the sex!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
So Stupid - I miss the sex!!
11
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 3:18pm

*Sigh*

NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 3:40pm

Oh honey, you are not alone. And I am soooo glad you started this thread.


Missing the sex has been something I hadn't anticipated at all!!!! I love my DH but the bedroom is one area where he never really excelled anyway and XMM was just amazing.


I have tried to get H to be more aggressive, more uninhibited and the poor guy is trying but its always so disappointing to me. Its over quick, uncaring, and its unsatisfying and ZERO chemistry. H tries so hard so I really have to give him credit.


We need to keep in mind that the chemistry we had with XMM is not the same we will ever share with our H. What we have with H is a much deeper connection and Im sure, given the time, sex with XMM would have also become boring and routine. At least that is what I keep telling myself. LOL. The sex was indeed amazing with XMM but the pain he brought me trumped any earth shattering sex Ill ever had.


I'm here and I know what you mean. Cant wait to see that the other married enders have to say about post A sex.


Hang in there and know that your feelings are the same as mine.


GMLB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 3:50pm

Thanks for the response.

NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 4:07pm

I am totally with you...zero chemistry, and after 15 years together he still has no idea what to do with me in bed. Our sex life is pretty much non-existent. I tried to seduce him last week - we were on vacation, had a couple drinks - and guess what, I got rejected.
So I have to mend my broken heart, struggle with LC at work, keep my guard up because x will never leave me alone, and on top of everything my married life is so empty. I am really so disappointed. And the worst part is I feel that at some point I will be vulnerable to another affair, because lack of affection seems to be unfixable at this point.

Just no you're not alone. And my husband is a great man, loyal, caring and generous. Everything would be perfect if not for that.

XOXO
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 4:11pm
Remember ladies that you pushed your DH away and became distant while involved in your A. Your DH are probably a little leary about giving their all because of this. In time you can show your DH that you are back in the M for good. Do little things in the mornings like sending him nude pics or naughty text msgs during the day. You can have great M sex if you work at it really hard. Work at it like you worked at your A and the return on investment will pay off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 8:18pm

So here's a question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 9:39pm

KMG -


I can honestly say that sex with DH was never great.

NC since October 2, 2009.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2010
Tue, 04-06-2010 - 11:39pm

Just writing to say I get your perspetive here. I don't want to disclose details of my affair but we didn't have alot of IC. Just enough to imprint me & leave me wanting more, I know for a fact my H benefited from my excitement He also changed a bit.
I guess we do have a true challenge in this. To know a different way of being w/ someone but choosing to decline based on 'the whole package'. For me knowing that the A can be ripped away suddenly prevents me from feeling too comfortable w/ tying my sexual needs to my XAP/XP.
Thanks for being honest on a day that was crummy (your description). Fortunately good days usually follow a bad day, so hopefully tomorrow is better for you!

PS Can DH change? Probably but we have to bestow time & effort to motivate them and train them. My A made me more cnscious of my sexual triggers & more focused on my sexual fulfillment (in a healthy way) which my H noticed & took as a positive (ie turn on for him). So the A brightened up my sex life in M too.

Me: WS
Him: MM
EA, limited IC, most of 09, friends since 03
Dday Jan 10
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2009
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 7:29am

Gal:


You are spot on about the sex being so much more than just the physical.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 8:29am

Hi Gal-

I think this is dead on and says so much- it's exactly how I feel: I think about the difficult times in my life, and my DH is who I would want there to support me and hold my hand - not xAP. And if something were to happen (God forbid) that would physically prevent us from having sex, I still love being with DH and love his company. xAP? Not so much.

Sex with my H has never been great. There has always been this "weirdness" and we've had numerous talks about it over the years. We both want sex, yes, but we feel incredible pressure to initiate, have great fears about being rejected, and both have some self consciousness issues to address. I did not have sex with my xap- it was purely an EA; however, I do know that during my A, all physical contact with my H stopped, mainly because I was thinking of xap all the time, but it wasn't seen as too abnormal because we weren't having that much sex anyway.

Now, on the other side of the A, I've made valiant efforts to be more intimate with my H. We've had some serious and honest discussions about our sex life. I have put aside my fears of rejection and do most of the initiating... which is hard for me, but it's what I need to do to rebuild some trust and show my H that I am choosing him everyday. H expressed that he's never felt good enough for me... I've had more partners than him, though I am certainly no sexpert :)

At any rate, I wanted to reiterate what you've said above. Intimacy in marriage is about so much more than sex and I truly believe that if we continue to work to rebuild our M on a spiritual and emotional level, the sex will come with it. My H and I have resolved to put all of our energy in learning to communicate again- so that the sex won't be so "awkward." Talking about it is uncomfortable, but necessary.

Also, when it comes down to it- in real life- H is who I want there to hold me in time of trouble. H is who I want there to celebrate with me when I've received good news. I can look back on the A and point out time after time that xap was not there when I needed him... and that was a large reason for all of my heartache. I would have been there for him in a heartbeat and was on several occasions. It was an eye opener for sure... the support I receive from H far overshadows the support I received from xap.

Ok, now I am rambling.

Hope you are having a better day. Ups and downs is part of the process and we just have to push through.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2009
Wed, 04-07-2010 - 9:35am

KMG -


Please don't be frightened or discouraged by my minor setbacks and pining.

NC since October 2, 2009.

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