So very sad...would like your thoughts
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| Sat, 10-23-2004 - 4:33pm |
I am married for nearly 16 years with no children. He is divorced for many years but has been living with a woman for the past 13 years. She has a grown child from her first marriage. Not sure why I got involved (thought I was happy -- apparently not). He claims to be unhappy in this relationship for some time but has been unable to move on which is hard for me to understand because he is single.
Our story is like many others. We met through work (although no longer work together)and fell in love after a few months. We found that we were filling the holes in each others lives. But now we both want more. I hate that we can't speak or see each other on weekends. I hate that we can't spend nights together. Ironically, as the married person, I have more flexibility than he does and it can be very frustrating living by his availability. However, I never resent him because I care about him so much and love to see him as often as possible. During the course of our affair we spoke two to three times per weekday and saw each other one to three times a week depending upon both our schedules. I am a professional and have a very busy career that includes travel.
So, this week, we sadly and reluctantly agreed to step away to "try and figure out our lives". We have an agreement to meet again in the New Year to see how things have progressed and if we are still interested in pursuing our relationship. While I know this is the right thing to do, I can't help but feel that this is final. I feel that he may never call again. I am so sad and am fighting constant urges to call.
Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?

Welcome to the board....if you've been reading for a while then you know you're not alone with the struggle of a dead-end affair relationship.
As for words of "wisdom", I'll offer my suggestions from personal experience:
There is something within your marriage that you used to justify seeking an answer and relief outside of the marriage. There is something within yourself and
I am working with a counselor (have just started) but what I am really struggling with right now is my inability to get interested in or stayed focused on anything but OM. I am sad and finding this Sunday to be the longest day of my life. I have already taken a walk, baked brownies, talked to girlfriends on the phone to no avail. I am desperately depressed and can't wait to go to work.
The reason? I have hope that he'll call me tomorrow but I know it's unlikely because his resolve to work this out (or so he says) seems quite strong. I can't take another disappointing day tomorrow.
Help!
I believe it's called "wtihdrawal". Same as any other addiction. It's normal. Your body is looking for the endorphin fix that you are getting from your affair.
Give yourself a week of being separate and not taking the calls.
I'll bet you'll feel entirely different next Sunday than this one if you hold your resolve and keep NC.
Good luck,
cl-nre
I am determined to not rekindle a relationship with him. It's been almost 2 months now and I feel better and better every day. I haven't had a sad moment in about a week now. He has emailed a few times and I have not responded. As you well know, the hurt is heart breaking and you feel that you will never get over him, stop thinking of him or stop missing him but one day you will go to bed and realize an amazing thing.....the entire day went by and you only thought about him once, maybe twice in a fleeting moment. Look forward to THAT day.
It's funny how rationally I know that making the call would be a setback and that I shouldn't, but I can't guarantee I won't. Why is that smart women (and men) do things that knowingly will cause greater pain. It is only 8:10 a.m. and I am doing everything in my power not to call. The sad part is that I am sitting here with the hope that he will call me. Again, my rational minds tells me it won't happen because his resolve is different this time.
I do look forward to THAT day that you describe, however, on this day 5 of NC, I can't see that far.
Send me good thoughts please.
Try to tell yourself that there is the big picture - really figuring out your marriage and what you want from your life. And there is the little picture - wanting to talk to him this moment. Right now it is time to focus on that big picture and where you're going. How many of us really want to live this secret life. I hated it. Knowing we could never share any 'real' moments. Everything was hidden - clouded with lies. In the end I realized that the things he said to me were lies too. I was shocked - for some reason I thought I had the truth - I was the one that knew him - ours was the real love. But its easy to 'say things' when you're living in a fantasy world. Things you maybe want, but don't really intend to follow through on. Be careful. Think this whole thing through and set your life straight. Its the only way to be at peace.
2 months later, I am 110% better. I have my life back. I have my marriage back (thankfully my H never found out).
Focus on YOU, YOUR life, YOUR future. He's not a part of it, so why waste any more precious time worrying about him? Unless you intend to leave your M for him, put out of your head the idea of reconnecting after the New Year. Start your healing NOW by resolving to move on and not look back.
Its easy to say, hard to do...but absolutely essential if you want to have peace of mind.