so WOW am i a LOSER

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
so WOW am i a LOSER
3
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 1:28am

i've been lurking while going thru my own issues, trying to seek advice, etc. obviously i haven't been lurking too well lol. with an on-again-off-again R with MM for 4 yrs i've been slowly but steadily trying to decrease contact to the point of NC. only, it's when i get to ALMOST NC i freak and hit panic attack mode after not talking to him, and the same from him. we go thru times when i want NC and he's fine with it and then he wants NC and i'm fine with it so it's completely both sided. i'm the type that tends to wear my heart on my sleeve and love passion, tenderness, emotion, etc. i'm a complete romantic (which is what I lack with H but gained with MM) anyways, again we recently hit the NC stage and i panic and send an email that evolved while sitting here and listening to that good ole' music that brings me to this point. (the couple green beers at dinner didn't help lol) so i send him and email and the jist of it is this:
It took me by surprise when I saw you standing there, close enough to touch, breathing the same air. You asked me how I'd been. I guess that's when I smiled and said just fine.
I was lying. What I really meant to say is I'm dying here inside. I miss you more each day. There's not a night I haven't cried. As you walked away the echo of my words cut just like a knife, cut so deep it hurt. I held back the tears. I held onto my pride and I watched you go. After all this I realize I'm really not that strong, no matter how much I try I'm still holding onto you. And the honest truth, I'm still in love with you...that's what I really meant to say.
If that isn't asking for an asswhooping by myself to myself in the morning then I don't know what is. Anyways, this seems like a great group for support. Thanks for listening if you haven't fallen asleep yet.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 6:38am

KIM

You my dear are a clasic EMOTIONAL JUNKIE, it's the emotional highs that you want not the XMM, there are better ways to get that high find em.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 8:54am

if you can be ok with NC for awhile and then he can be ok with NC for awhile....yet hit the "panic button" when things are boring for you (as i saw it)...

both of you fullfill each others egos when you dont have anything else going on better.

You will most likely do this for a long time until one of you really falls in love if that ever happens...watch out..you mightfreak out because your security blanket is gone. You might be like my friend who thought they'd always be her back up. Guess again, she has no ego back up now is that perhaps what he is to you?

This is what happened to a friend of mine..she'd break up with this guy allll the time. He always came back or at least called her. I always thought it was weird how her exbf's always managed to stay friends with her. (Usually men i see never wanna see me again LOL) But she is really pretty and funny etc...anyway...wow...the last one after being broken up more then they were together but still talked alot...he found someone..is in LOVE LOVE LOVE...finally found someone he wanted more than her after 4 years or so of nonsense. Boy is she freaking NOW. Hmmm..don't think its her ego ..is it? She is not a braggart and is private about her life..but i wonder how much of these men who stay in touch with her for years...is her...egging them on with how sweet she is..but man alive..her ego got CRUSHED when the last one stopped calling. (Cept to brag a lil about the new girl). She has nothing going on and has to grieve longer than she shouldve if she had just stayed broken up when it was her decision.

Avatar for alice700
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2003
Fri, 03-18-2005 - 2:45pm
Wow. You really ARE a romantic. I recognize it in you because I am similar. Frankly, reading your e-mail was helpful to me, because in your case everything seems so crystal clear. Then I realized that in my case, everything is so crystal clear also. It's just that I can't see it because I'm IN it!
Anyway, consider taking a creative writing class if you have the time. You are a good writer, and you could use your talent in less self destructive ways. I'm serious!