some can... some can't
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| Wed, 06-01-2005 - 3:08pm |
Ya know it always astounded me how attached my exMM was to his children - it endeared me to him and I'm sure it really endeared exMM and his W to each other. But it also really got me to thinking...
Why is it (or does it appear) some men are more connected to their children than others!? How is it, some can walk out and some can't? I knew exMM wouldn't leave his wife but I knew exMM would NEVER leave his children. But some do... why is that?
Pulling from a couple other posts on the support4myA board:
"It's not easy for a man to walk out on his entire life as he knows it - to walk out on the woman he once chose as his mate, who bore his children and whom he slept next to every night for years, to walk out on his children all the while knowing that, eventually, he may end up facing their resentment for breaking their family."
"I have no kids to consider. Having only my relationship with the SO's DD to weigh I can barely imagine leaving kids I'd seen born and grow up."
and yet some can... and some do... where's the difference????? Anyone know?

Because not leaving for the kids is an excuse.
If he wanted to he could leave, get divorced, and creat an amicable child support and visitation schedule like a grown up.
He doesn't want to.
jen
I'm not trying to figure out why MY exMM wouldn't leave... I'm glad he loves his children that much... I'm just saying what makes some men love their children enough to stay... and some men love thier children but still walk away!?
I'm posing an overall question - not directly for MY A.
Thanks!
He's not staying *because* he loves his kids! I'm sure it's true he does - but he's not staying for that reason. That is an excuse.
He can leave his kids and still see them, love them, support them and help raise them. He can be successful dad and co - parent with their mother.
He's staying because he wants to STAY and doesn't want to LEAVE. The same reason other mm stay.
i'm sorry but mm staying for the "kids" is my biggest pet peave. Just admit you like having the W and the OW.....
No one stays with someone else for the "kids". It's just a very convenient excuse.
i guess i will stop trying to explain my point now. take it or leave it.
jen
I disagree somewhat. I acknowledge that it is frequently used as an excuse, but it still may be a valid one.
The career I have chosen requires long demanding hours and (for now) pays very little. I could not afford to maintain adequate childcare if my M split up. I would probably have to give DH custody and take on the role of the "every other weekend" father, just because while I am working, I could not drop off my child at daycare early enough to get to work, would be unlikely to pick him up on time, and some days will not even see him during waking hours.
I cannot bear even to consider this. It hurts enough to miss out on so much of my child's time. To give up the precious few moments I have to cuddle him while he sleeps, the brief interaction in the morning before I race out the door... well, even for a real love that surpasses the loving friendship I have with DH, I don't think I could leave. Not that it came up in my EMA, but I could only have considered it with MM because he was financially secure enough that he could have provided for me and permitted a really great nanny (or two).
I'm a woman, not a man, and they may see things differently, but I can understand the argument of staying for the children. It's not that they would turn out badly, it's that you can't bear to be apart from them.
yeah that was my exMM's argument (not that we debated it at all but just in conversing about it) - he said he couldn't imagine not being there every morning when his son came out of his room all sleepy-eyed or to kiss his girls good night... sure he travels for business, etc. but for the most part he is there for that stuff and because I know him (knew him :( ) I know that would be hard for him to miss out on!
Anyway... some men can apparently do it... wonder if some just attach more than others!?
I think that most parents are attached to their child, how could you not be?
now that i am an adult..i wonder often how my dad could leave us 8 kids...(4 were minors at the time he did)...he had an affair and left my catholic very tired mother who was "frigid" (thats what they called it back then...that is at least what my sisterinlaw told me once when i was 19).
twas a very chaotic time (1974)...he left and moved 1.5 miles away.. and after 5 years..i NEVER even saw him again after my mom (who never talked bad about him nor did she talk good of him..she said nothing about him after the divorce) told me to wait for his call after he got upset one day as he picked me up to take me over to his mom's house for thanksgiving that i hadn't called him (can't remember about what...i was around 12 yrs old).....my mom told me "well why dont you just wait until HE calls then" after i told her of the problem of him being upset with me when i got home....
i watied for that phone call...he never called again....he lived 1.5 miles away ...and down the street from my best friend...i used to drive past his house to get to hers...what a surreal thing...as i was Daddy's girl (the youngest..the baby) right before he left.
it ruined my whole life...it is only now at nearly 40 that i am trying not to let it ruin it anymore. (no one close to me would know this has been the biggest problem of my life).
thanks for letting me share... i still in life...never get that return call, i get abandoned with no thought...ive stopped calling people back first now. whatever is ..will be.
((((Lizzie))))
That is a sad story. Have you ever talked about your childhood with anyone? I ask this because... I had my first T appt today and many of my issues (it seems so far anyway) stem from my father and his abandonment.
My family played out a little differently but some of the same issues. After I was done today with my "family story" my T finally said "Your father was a very scary man" (true).
We're going to get more into this in future sessions but she said some things that made me feel optimistic that I can resolve some of my issues (or accept them) and deal with them in a more healthy way.
I worry for you that you won't trust anyone again.
(((hugs to you because you need them))) WIP
Wow Lizzie! My heart aches for you! I'm 10 years behind you and just recently found out how much impact my father leaving has had on me! And yet my mother's repeated affairs have cost me more time in the T chair! :(
It's SO odd how much our childhood and the things that were happening around us (that we may or may not have been aware of) can effect the adults we become! I sit and say how my exMM is so silly acting like if he were to leave it would just tear his children up - seeing as how SO MANY children experience and have obviously lived through it; and yet, look at how much damage our father's leaving has done to us! So... whether they just us it as an excuse or not... thank god a few kids are being saved the emotional confusion - they'll just have to deal with something else! ;) ROTFL (laughing but sad at the same time! ;) ) cause really don't we all end up with SOMETHING from our childhood!
Some will say no - cause they THINK their parents did everything pretty much right - didn't fight in front of them or seemed to have their stuff together - and yet even that "perfect" feeling has raised problems for some adults because they didn't get a "real" picture of life - or they were so sheltered from how relationships CAN have problems they don't know what to do when a problem shows up in their relationship!
Anyway... my point being (and I realize I've gone full circle now)... what IF the worst thing to happen to a child is the father leaves the home - obviously there was something there that needed leaving and might have ended up being the emotional baggage...
Anyway... I don't make sense - and it's okay cause I had Subway for lunch! :p