some clarification

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
some clarification
6
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 11:03am

It occured to me this morning that in my posting yesterday I didn't mention that it has already been a week since the last contact I've had with "Friend."

DH thinks I should just let it keep going, taking it day by day. I don't have alot of contact with this person normally, and especially with the holidays and my upcoming move, I know I probably can go a month or two without saying anything to him. Sooner or later though, he'll come saying "Hey, how are ya?" and I'm going to have to SAY something.

I can't keep things at what was said in our last conversation, because our last conversation was full of reminiscing and discussion of how strong our feelings for each other are still.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 11:16am

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I would agree with your H on this. It's been a week with NC, you should just keep it going. And be fortunate that your last conversation ended with loving friendly thoughts, instead of harsh hurtful words, like some on here have experienced. I always thought it would be easier to keep NC if he did something to hurt me, but I think the hurt would just continue longer. I'm glad my xMM and I ended things on good terms and I take comfort knowing that he loves me. Even if I never speak to him again, I know I'll never have to live with any anger toward him.

So I think you're at a good place to continue NC. Just my opinion though. Good luck!!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 11:24am

Robertzoo,

you keep talking about your relationship with your XMM and that is where all your focus is...how about going to counseling to work on this bizarre relationship that you have with your H, who is counseling you on how to end your A? Everyone is feeding into this tangled web of yours and it isnt going to get better until all four of you grow up.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 11:40am

Well of course my focus here is on ending my relationship with XMM! This IS a support board for THAT. It's not "How to rebuild your dying marriage!"

I don't think I have a bizarre relationship with my DH. What I have is an ability to be totally honest with him. My marriage won't survive without it.

I think I'm rather lucky that my DH is willing to help me through this. He COULD have just left when XMM contacted me a year ago after four years of agreeing to NC. He COULD have said "If you see him while you're at your mother's don't come home." He allowed me to see XMM because I felt it was important to my ability to let him go, something I have been working on for the past six or seven months, not just this past week.

My DH is doing the same for me that I did for him nearly five years ago. I held that man while he cried buckets over losing another woman. I went to her, a week away from delivering our second child, and told her to speak up now if she wanted him or lose her chance forever. I supported him through his Captain's Mast (his affair was with a military coworker), losing every single friend I had in the process, and spent three months keeping our family fed on half of his pay FOR HIM. Because I love him! That to me says quite alot about my ability to rebuild my relationship with my DH. But I can not do that without this step of ending this affair.

I appreciate your suggestion of counseling, but I have no interest in pursuing advice from someone who has never been in the situation I'm in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 11:51am

Pal, thank you for your kind words. My only concern is that since XMM does not know I want NC, I will at some point or another have him contacting me. I will need to be prepared to say something then. Not necessarily now. I don't think the right thing to do would be to suddenly disappear with no warning or anything. Last time that we went NC, it hurt, but we were both in agreement that we needed it. I'd rather have that agreement than not. It seems alot more honest to me than a disappearance.

So for today, I can make it through with NC. I made it through that last NC period day by day, and it did get easier, but we had agreed that it was only temporary. Neither of us had expected that I'd end up in intensive care fighting for my life either. I don't want to be in that position again of having gone NC with hurt and with thoughts unsaid and no way to tell him, hey, I might leave this world soon, I want to say goodbye and thank you for having loved me.

I've known this person nearly half my life. I owe him more than a disappearance without a trace. I don't want to die with regrets, and that I would dearly regret.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 12:29pm

<<>>


DEAR RZK,


Try your hardest NOT to write to him. Work on your marriage and get MC. The next time he writes, you will have a clearer understanding in how to respond. It took me 6 months after ending my affair to actually be able to say "How are you today" to my XMM, and really mean it. We work together. Emotional distance will deepen your resolve, and eventually you will be able to decide what boundaries work in

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 12-05-2004 - 4:04pm

Liz

It is understandable that you don't want to hurt this person so when he does contact you could you simply explain to him that you have decided to work on your marriage and until YOU have reached a conclusion on weather that is going to work or not you need TOTAL NO CONTACT so that you can make your decisions with out him being a factor in anyway and that if at some time you choose to end your marriage you will let him know but he must not contact you to show his respect you.

Simple gentle and not cold hearted.

JMHO

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