Some Me Bashing

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Some Me Bashing
3
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:27pm
I'm still happy about not seeing xMM (or xTTM as Free & I have renamed him!). But I was just sitting outside thinking about my life now and I got to feeling so sad about the pain & hurt I caused H. He is such a dear, sweet, kind, forgiving man and I just simply don't deserve his love. I am such a horrible, lying, cheating, curse word (you pick). How could I do such a terrible thing to the one man who has loved me for the past 8 1/2 years? How could I betray his trust? How could I break our wedding vows? How could I committ the greatest sin (save killing)? I stood in front of my H, our families, our friends, & God, and promised that I would always love, cherish, honor, and protect him. And I threw it all away. I desicrated the most sacred thing. I hate myself so much. I looked at some wedding photos today and I just want to cry and cry thinking about what I did. My H has never hurt me, never betrayed me and yet I selfishly and for no good reason did the worst to him. And yet he still loves me. Why would anyone, but above all him, love me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:45pm
I hear ya! My H also found out about the A and he forgave me and stills loves me. It wasn't easy and took awhile but he did. It amazes me how I could hurt someone that loves me so much. I don't know if I could forgive him if the roles were reversed. I definitely know I do not deserve such a wonderful, forgiving man. I guess all we can do is try to live up to their love of us.

Good Luck,

Apparently Stupid
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 7:18pm
Blue

The answer to WHY resides in you and only you can answer it, it could be your IC can help you find that answer, it is the one peace of knowledge that can really give you power over your life and your future.

Why does your husband love you....his love comes from him it is part of who he is today it is not generated by you but yes in time you could destroy it if you do not commit to doing what you have to to protect it from XTTM and everyone like him.

You can't change the past no one can but the future can be created in any image you choose, so choose a future that you can be happy with, that power resides with you and you alone XTTM is not in contol of that unless you choose to let him be.

All that has happened has always been in your power, and what will happen is in your power, SO what sort of future have you decided to create.

Free

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anonymous user
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 7:54pm
Hiya BEBG,

I found this quote on a page Free posted. It was page filler, a throw away, but it had a significant impact on me when I read it.

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past and instead inviting hope for a better future."

Forgiving ourselves is something we must learn to do also if we wish to move forward into that better future. There's a big difference between owning and accepting responsibility for all the things you've listed and using them as a stick with which to beat yourself.

Yes, you need to answer your own questions and so did I. Counselling has helped me a great deal in exloring, processing & answering the very questions you posed in your post. It's also helped me come to terms with the very real guilt and remorse I feel.

Covering over the why's and how-comes's like so many turds in a cat litter tray accomplishes nothing. Not dealing with these and similar questions doesn't make them go away, time won't heal these wounds because what we DO with that time is far more important than its mere passage.

Perspective helps, too. For example, I am 40yrs old this year. For 35yrs I seldom put a foot wrong and certainly never cheated on anyone whether I was married or simply involved. Being a one time OW for 4 of those 40yrs is barely a scratch on the surface of the whole of my life.

As I heal and grow and recover, I'm finding that continuing to define myself as an OW or exOW becomes more & more restrictive. It's not truly representative of who I am anymore. It's something that was part of my life and now it just isn't. The only exception for me would be in the distinctly unlikely event exOM should suddenly decide he wishes to reestablish contact with our daughter. Even then I do not need or want to be involved or present. I certainly ain't holding my breath lol!

Anyway, try spending half the time you want to cry in doing something nice for H. Turn the negative into a positive thing. After 21 days most anything becomes a habit. ;)

As for why H of all people loves you, well, it's because he still sees in you the beautiful, intelligent, confident woman he was so proud to stand beside on your wedding day. And he hopes that if he just gives you enough love, that woman, though tested by fire, will one day return to him and believe in herself as much as he believes in you.

H is holding up the brightest lantern he can find to light your path back to him. His arms are probably aching from holding it up on his own for so long. Will you brave the path, BEBG? Will you begin to forgive yourself enough to take those first steps towards him in order that you can both share the weight & the light of the lantern he holds aloft?

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie