Some Realizations

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Some Realizations
2
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 2:16pm
1) my A was due to my own vulnerabilities and due to my xMM strong sexual desire for me. His marriage was not in the same type of trouble as mine. He took advantage of that and i let him.

2) I spent the bulk of my A trying to make my xMM feel better about his feelings for me. Never, ever did he concern himself about what our relationship had done to me . So it has been easy for him to just wish this whole thing away--pretend it didn't happen. He is a true avoider.

6) I am a giver--and xMM is a taker. Every time he feels i'm not giving, he manipulates me emotionally so that I will give more.

7) I was used by Xmm. I only believed in him under the veil of his spirituality and religion. Apparently, his sexual needs and desire for the chase far outweigh his own religious practices.

8) i am starting to see this thing for what it was worth and i must consider some of my own value judgments about the way i view and see people. Obviously, i was pretty off-base with this one. Imagine! I would have given up everything i know to be with a man, whom i am starting to see if but a shell of a person with many, many deep seeded issues. That, i think, more than anything, is scary and a real eye-opener for me. Just because you feel something and someone tells you it is real, doesn't mean it necessarily is so. We all have our own realities and history and his was far more complicated than i realized.

This post may not make sense to anyone, but it was important for me to post this publicly. That is part of my process of letting this thing go.

Clarice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 4:27pm
Clarice~

You, indeed, are on a good path....one of self discovery and growth. I totally understood your post, as I have done similar reflection on evaluating the whole relationship, and its amazing how things look so differently over time and with true inner reflection.

Working on yourself is the most difficult work one can do...esp. when you explore those dark recesses of yourself. Everyone has them, though few want to deal with them. I believe that peoples reluctance to look at these issues and work on them is the result of this very chaotic and dysfunctional world that we live in. We can all sit here and say to ourselves "well, if it weren't for a, b, and c I would've NEVER had the affair". But the fact remains, we chose to go into a direction we KNEW was wrong. We just didn't realize how wrong at the time. Our minds allowed us to "rationalize" the whole process...by convincing ourselves that these men (or women) understood us like "no other" and we were meant to be, that it was destiny, fate, or kismet....or maybe it was just plain horniness. Whatever the case, when one looks at it objectively.....wrong is still wrong. Plain and simple. Some people do make it work out....less then 3 or 4%...but it comes with many complications and much work (think nre, here).

I'm not posting as often here because I find that the more I do, the more I stay stuck. I am actively working on letting this go....but its hard and it just might take a heck of a lot longer than I anticipated....but eventually it will come. It will for you...and everyone else who is determined to make it so.

We all have our baggage, my friend. Some of us choose to carry it around for their entire lifetime. As for me, I'm tired and I'm throwing it away....life is too short to be miserable and bitter. And much, much too short to continue to blame or hold others responsible for my happiness.

Big hugs....keep up the awesome work

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 9:19pm

You are doing exactly what you need to be doing in your healing process. Work through all the reasons for, the whys and the how comes of your affair and you'll find what was missing in your life that xmm supposedly filled.


You're doing great!

~Chris~<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />