somebody just slap some sense into me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2005
somebody just slap some sense into me!
5
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:45am

OK, lurker finally posting here- I have read so much and we really all have so much in common, it's good to see such support and positive reinforcement here...
I need some help, here's my story, short and sweet.
I'm married, stay at home mom of three year old daughter. Been with my husband 10 years- great guy, amazing father, great provider, so sweet, etc....I love him and do not want to leave him, but we lack chemistry, we are like platonic best friends.
I have been having an affair with a married man for 6 months, hot and heavy. We have fallen deeply in love, but each of us would never hurt our spouses and do anything stupid, so we do not and have not ever had plans or fantasies of 'being a couple'...we just enjoy each other as much as we can and don't place any demands on each other and so it has been great.
Here's the crazy part, where I feel so low and sleazy. His wife is pregnant, due in April, and of course is happy and unaware of her husbands infidelity. I would never want her to find out, I feel so horrible when I put myself in her shoes. He told me that she was pregnant the second time we were 'together', but for some STUPID reason I continued to see him when he would ask.
So, the baby is coming in April, everyone knows that "having a baby changes EVERYTHING", and I am so afraid of not being needed any more, that he won't have time for me, he will forget about me when the baby comes. Selfish I know....
I feel I MUST end our affair, but it's so damn hard...I just think I need a reality check, I can't believe I have gotten myself into this situation....I take all the responsibility though, I could have said no to him, but I rarely do.
So, anyone care to lay into me for being the horrible other woman with his poor pregnant unsuspecting wife at home?
I am feeling very blue today, but feel good after finally posting.
Thank you for reading this and offering thoughts!

E

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:55am
madelines mama,
I'm not going to lay into you. We are all human, and lord knows I am no better than you. I slept with a single guy many times and enjoyed what I was doing. I think you're own guilt of sleeping with him while his wife is pregnant will eventually eat you up inside if you don't end it. However, it really is here nor there her being preggers. You STILL were sleeping with HER husband. Would you not feel bad if she wasn't pregnant? I think you sound like a caring person and just realize that it is time to end it.
As far as the "deeply in love" part= BULLSH*T. You are not DEEPLY in love, you are deeply in LUST and infatuated with the attention the A gives that your husband and marriage does not. That will be the hardest part for you, going back to the monotony and accepting that it is up to YOU and only YOU to change the course of what your marriage has to offer!
Good Luck to you! You can do it if you Choose!
Big hugs and kissies!
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 9:58am

Mama, for a real dose of reality, go here and lurk a bit:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rladultery

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 10:20am

<<<...my husband 10 years- great guy, amazing father, great provider, so sweet, etc....I love him and do not want to leave him, but we lack chemistry, we are like platonic best friends.I have been having an affair with a married man for 6 months, hot and heavy. We have fallen deeply in love, but each of us would never hurt our spouses and do anything stupid, so we do not and have not ever had plans or fantasies of 'being a couple'...we just enjoy each other as much as we can and don't place any demands on each other and so it has been great.>>>

All of that above is exactly my situation, except I've been married over 20 years. Great husband, no chemistry, and I got involved in an A in which we also had no intentions of leaving our spouses.

The only thing I want to caution you on, is where your wrote that you "don't place any demands on each other". That may have been the case during your 6 month A, which was the case with me also, we just enjoyed it for what it was and loved being together when we could arrange it. BUT, if you continue this A, don't fool yourself for a minute in thinking that this aspect won't change. The longer an A goes on, and the deeper the emotions get, the more you will expect of him, maybe not in the way of leaving his W, but you will notice changes, as demands on his time with having a new baby, will leave you wondering where you fit in his life.

I won't even go into the issue of him fooling around while his wife is pregnant with his child, you already know that's a sucky thing to do. But I'm concerned for YOU, when you get less and less of his time, as you are becoming more and more dependent on this great feeling you are experiencing with him now.

Ending an A when it's still at it's hot and heavy stage, is the hardest thing to do, because you don't feel ready to let go yet. But by the time you really ARE ready to let go, you have become so emotionally invested at that point, the pain is that much harder to endure. Just keep reading what these women on this board are going thru, you can feel the anguish we try to let go of something that we had no right in taking in the first place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 11:02am

<<>>

That baby will need both parent's attention 100%. His giving any to you is a double betrayal to his family. Both his wife and child deserve his complete attention. As long as you are dangling your assets in his face, he will be too weak to break it off. Selfish? Both of you are acting pathetically selfish. You need to end this, and think about the child because obviously you can't think straight about yourself and him.

Also, it's not love. People who love one another don't cheat in order to be together.

Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Wed, 02-02-2005 - 11:49am
I second what HurtPup said. When my A started, we were exactly like you. We swore that it "wouldn't affect our marriages" and that we truly did not want either marriage to break up. I believe that's what we both thought at the time. It was just fun! Both of us still love(d) our spouses. But the more involved you get, this issue cannot be avoided. Of COURSE it affects your marriage! You are giving yourself to the AP instead of to your spouse. In the end, we finally broke it off because both of us started to sincerly consider divorce! That is not what either of us wanted and I TG that we both realized it in time. Now we are both working on our marriages (at least I hope he is too). It's been about a month since ending it for me and while the pain was horrible at first, it is already getting better as I re-connect with my family and my DH and am getting my LIFE BACK.