Somebody please respond... (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Somebody please respond... (long)
23
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 2:38pm
del


Edited 7/2/2004 10:31 am ET ET by serenityhopefaith

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Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 3:35pm
Serenity:

Your story is very sad, yet very familiar. I too went through alot of the feelings you are describing now, and so have others on this board.

It is easy to feel torn when you are in this type of relationship and a Christian. I met my XOM in a Christian chatroom of all things! And yes, I know what it is like to miss your best friend.

You are at a point in the affair where it sounds like you have to make a decision. Having this man "part time" is causing you alot of anguish. You say that you do not want to leave your spouses because of the children, but how fair are you being to your children having this kind of relationship? Are you being an example for them? When is a good time to leave? When they are teenagers? In college? Can you continue like this for that long?

You do not have a happy marriage, so you have become codependent on this other man. I did the same thing. It is very lonely when you end things and have to go back to an unhappy marriage. No more phone calls, emails or affection. It really stinks. But you really do not seem that happy now serenity. This A is not good for you, atleast that is how you are making it sound.

If you want to end things then this is the board for you. No contact is the best way to handle it, and often times the only thing that works. You need to really want to do it though, otherwise you are sitting on a fence and not making a decision. I went back and forth for over a year, going in between weeks of saying it was over, and then caving in and seeing him again. I did not like who I was becoming. I stopped going to church because I felt unworthy. I went through life on "auto-pilot"..not knowing whether I should leave my H and go to the other man was all consuming. My OM made it easy though, because he showed me a very ugly side of him...I found out things about him that would make your stomach turn....so I can say that it is definitely over this time.

On this board you will find some women who got caught having the affair either by their spouse, the other man's spouse and sometimes both. It hurts alot of people and gets very ugly. You have a chance to walk away before getting caught. You may get caught, get divorced and still not wind up with the other man for one reason or another.

May I suggest some therapy to help you decide what you want to do? It helped me alot. It is decision time.

PS..out of curiosity, which branch of military is your H in?

God bless You and your other man during this confusing time.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 3:56pm
Thank you for your response. It's so lonely going through something like this and then when no one responds to posts, it's even more lonely... so, thank you.

Yes, I guess you can say I am on the fence with what to do. We have gone back and forth the past year several times, calling it off, being just friends and then we fall back into it all. BTW, my H is in the Navy. That's the other thing. I know that this A will end, physically anyway, within 6 months, I am moving FAR away, possibly even back overseas. So, the physical contact temptation won't even be there. I guess I just dont' want to say goodbye too soon. I am trying to give MM all the time in the world to figure out what he wants. In the meantime, I am trying my hardest to be a good mother and even trying to work on my marriage. Part of me wants MM to say NC, but I dont' think he will. He says we can only be friends right now due to everything else in his life and that he can't give me what he knows I need or what he thinks I deserve because of everything else stress wise that is going on in his life. I told him that if we had to say goodbye to "that" part of our relationship, that was ok (not really what I want), I just don't want to lose him altogether. I know I need to get back on track with God, we both know that. Like I said, he isn't a perfect man... but I love him with my whole heart and he loves me with his whole heart. Should I start NC anyway???

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 6:47pm
You know serenity it may be you that has to be the one to initiate NC. I tried being friends with OM and it was very painful. And if and when you see eachother the love is still there, the attraction is still there. It was too hard. Maybe you can do it, but it is still an inappropriate relationship and you know it. How do you be intimate with someone and then cut it off at the knees and say "we're buddies now".

I wish that I had started NC a year or more ago. I paid the price for sitting on the fence.

If you'd like you can email me

del0310@yahoo.com

it is a slow day on the boards, i'm sure others will respond to you....

HUGS

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 8:03pm
Hi Serenity and welcome. I just want to give you a word of caution. I understand your pain. I have been there also. I am sure that your MM has even more pressure on him to stay married because of his work in the ministry. My xOW was my best friend also, no question. Now, I realize what a difficult position that I put her in. I told her everything and then some. She was my counselor, friend, and lover. I put her in that position and then I left her to stay in my marriage. Don't let that happen to you. I understand how much you love him and miss him. I also understand how much you want to be there for him. I don't believe that you can. I think that for some crazy reason, I actually thought that OW should be happy for me when I told her that things were better in my M. That was the best friend part of my brain hoping. Now, I realize how twisted that was. She had stayed by my side and supported me through everything and then I utlimately told her that I was not choosing her. Please protect yourself. He will not intentionally hurt you, but he may just the same. I know, I did it to someone that I loved more than anything.

Jon

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 8:56pm
Hi Serenity, I am so sorry for your pain. I too am a Christian who was involved with a Christian man. We both held leadership positions in our church and we fell in love. You know you are in for a rough time ahead, no matter what you choose to do. My relationship is over now. I miss my friend immensely at times, but it does get easier. What made NC easier for me was writing in a journal and rededicating my life to Christ. My marriage nearly ended as my affair was discovered by my XMM's wife. I just wanted to respond to you and let you know that you can find support here. We all have painful experiences and we are willing to listen and give advice whenever we can. I don't post much, but I do read occasionally. I will be praying for you. I know it seems hard, but focus on your spiritual walk and your marriage. Begin NC as soon as you feel you can bear to do it.

Hugs - Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 9:31pm
Thank you very much, shescomeundone (sorry, don't know your name lol). I will most likely email you since you offered. I really appreciate the support!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 9:39pm
Thank you Jon for responding. Actually, I had wanted to talk to you too. I had read one of your posts and you sound a lot like MM as far as being able to open up with your xOW, to cry, she just saw you, etc etc. I really want MM to be happy. I have even encouraged him to stay with his wife and at times have given him some suggestions that might even help their situation. Call me crazy. If he can't be happy with me (I mean, 24/7), then I do want him to be happy. He says he will never be able to fall in love with his wife again, that he loves her very much, but that he doesn't see falling in love with her a reality. He has contemplated seeing a divorce lawyer, not because of he and I, but because of their current situation. He won't ever divorce her because they have 5 kids together and the whole situation is a mess. He just has SO much stress in his life and I sure don't want to add to it, but I have feelings too. I have no way of really contacting him, except through email, but he has to go to a library to check them, and he hasn't checked in about a wk and a half. He called me last Monday and we talked shortly Tuesday morn., but haven't heard from him since then. I know I need to protect myself... it's just all so hard.

BTW, how are things with you and your W. Is it really possible to rebuild and things be better? How long have you had NC with xOW?

Thank you so much for giving me the man's perspective in all of this!!! Especially since you sound like MM, it may hurt, but it does help!

Again, thanks!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 9:40pm
please do...i'm having a bad weekend and would like some email......

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 9:42pm
Thank you Cathy! It really helps having the prayers and support of others. I think NC is just around the corner, it's inevitable. I guess I just wanted a ring of support around me before I feel like I jump off the cliff. I hurt and ache so much. Thanks again for the support!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sat, 11-29-2003 - 10:36pm
Serenity,

Things are better in my marriage, yes. I believe that it is because I am available and focusing 100% on the marriage. Will I ever really experience that bone crushing love for my wife? No, I do not believe that I will because we never had it to begin with. We acknowledge that we have no passion. We are thankful for the other good things in our M. We both know that our child has kept us together. I had to make a choice. I was a fence sitter and a cake eater. I have had serious no contact now for 1 month. Prior to that, only 2 phone conversations since the middle of July. NRE posted to me today. He made a good point. He is telling me not to settle for less from W than I got from xOW. I know that he is right, but I find that almost impossible. Maybe that is my answer and ultimately I will know when and if to end my marriage. As you know, children add a whole different persepctive to everything. I would definitely be divorced if not for my child. We have posted on this subject in detail so I won't repeat myself. I just cannot separate my W and my child. They go together to me. I cannot have one without the other.

Please keep posting here. We are here for you. There are many different perspectives and many variations of the same theme. However, NC is really all that will work. I try to tell myself that I have to do NC no matter what. I know that I will not get any answers otherwise. Just think about it. Some of the other posters are right. You may have to initiate it. My OW iniated it about 10 times over a 4 year period. I just could never stick to it. However, every time I went back to her, I had no answers to give her either.

We are with you.

Jon

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