Somebody please respond... (long)
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Somebody please respond... (long)
| Sat, 11-29-2003 - 2:38pm |
del
Edited 7/2/2004 10:31 am ET ET by serenityhopefaith
Edited 7/2/2004 10:31 am ET ET by serenityhopefaith

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Your story is very sad, yet very familiar. I too went through alot of the feelings you are describing now, and so have others on this board.
It is easy to feel torn when you are in this type of relationship and a Christian. I met my XOM in a Christian chatroom of all things! And yes, I know what it is like to miss your best friend.
You are at a point in the affair where it sounds like you have to make a decision. Having this man "part time" is causing you alot of anguish. You say that you do not want to leave your spouses because of the children, but how fair are you being to your children having this kind of relationship? Are you being an example for them? When is a good time to leave? When they are teenagers? In college? Can you continue like this for that long?
You do not have a happy marriage, so you have become codependent on this other man. I did the same thing. It is very lonely when you end things and have to go back to an unhappy marriage. No more phone calls, emails or affection. It really stinks. But you really do not seem that happy now serenity. This A is not good for you, atleast that is how you are making it sound.
If you want to end things then this is the board for you. No contact is the best way to handle it, and often times the only thing that works. You need to really want to do it though, otherwise you are sitting on a fence and not making a decision. I went back and forth for over a year, going in between weeks of saying it was over, and then caving in and seeing him again. I did not like who I was becoming. I stopped going to church because I felt unworthy. I went through life on "auto-pilot"..not knowing whether I should leave my H and go to the other man was all consuming. My OM made it easy though, because he showed me a very ugly side of him...I found out things about him that would make your stomach turn....so I can say that it is definitely over this time.
On this board you will find some women who got caught having the affair either by their spouse, the other man's spouse and sometimes both. It hurts alot of people and gets very ugly. You have a chance to walk away before getting caught. You may get caught, get divorced and still not wind up with the other man for one reason or another.
May I suggest some therapy to help you decide what you want to do? It helped me alot. It is decision time.
PS..out of curiosity, which branch of military is your H in?
God bless You and your other man during this confusing time.
Jazzdiva
Yes, I guess you can say I am on the fence with what to do. We have gone back and forth the past year several times, calling it off, being just friends and then we fall back into it all. BTW, my H is in the Navy. That's the other thing. I know that this A will end, physically anyway, within 6 months, I am moving FAR away, possibly even back overseas. So, the physical contact temptation won't even be there. I guess I just dont' want to say goodbye too soon. I am trying to give MM all the time in the world to figure out what he wants. In the meantime, I am trying my hardest to be a good mother and even trying to work on my marriage. Part of me wants MM to say NC, but I dont' think he will. He says we can only be friends right now due to everything else in his life and that he can't give me what he knows I need or what he thinks I deserve because of everything else stress wise that is going on in his life. I told him that if we had to say goodbye to "that" part of our relationship, that was ok (not really what I want), I just don't want to lose him altogether. I know I need to get back on track with God, we both know that. Like I said, he isn't a perfect man... but I love him with my whole heart and he loves me with his whole heart. Should I start NC anyway???
I wish that I had started NC a year or more ago. I paid the price for sitting on the fence.
If you'd like you can email me
del0310@yahoo.com
it is a slow day on the boards, i'm sure others will respond to you....
HUGS
Jazzdiva
Jon
Hugs - Cathy
BTW, how are things with you and your W. Is it really possible to rebuild and things be better? How long have you had NC with xOW?
Thank you so much for giving me the man's perspective in all of this!!! Especially since you sound like MM, it may hurt, but it does help!
Again, thanks!
Jazzdiva
Things are better in my marriage, yes. I believe that it is because I am available and focusing 100% on the marriage. Will I ever really experience that bone crushing love for my wife? No, I do not believe that I will because we never had it to begin with. We acknowledge that we have no passion. We are thankful for the other good things in our M. We both know that our child has kept us together. I had to make a choice. I was a fence sitter and a cake eater. I have had serious no contact now for 1 month. Prior to that, only 2 phone conversations since the middle of July. NRE posted to me today. He made a good point. He is telling me not to settle for less from W than I got from xOW. I know that he is right, but I find that almost impossible. Maybe that is my answer and ultimately I will know when and if to end my marriage. As you know, children add a whole different persepctive to everything. I would definitely be divorced if not for my child. We have posted on this subject in detail so I won't repeat myself. I just cannot separate my W and my child. They go together to me. I cannot have one without the other.
Please keep posting here. We are here for you. There are many different perspectives and many variations of the same theme. However, NC is really all that will work. I try to tell myself that I have to do NC no matter what. I know that I will not get any answers otherwise. Just think about it. Some of the other posters are right. You may have to initiate it. My OW iniated it about 10 times over a 4 year period. I just could never stick to it. However, every time I went back to her, I had no answers to give her either.
We are with you.
Jon
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