Something good

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Something good
1
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 9:38pm
Wow, after all the pain and agony, something good happened tonight. I was sitting in church getting ready for communion, but really not ready, because I kept thinking about him and that girl, and his cold shoulder and feeling used and angry, that his professions about trying to do the right things were just bull, that he just wanted to be with this girl, and feeling guilt-ridden for hurting my family (I realize that emotion should have come first, but my thinking has been all screwed up). I was feeling anxious about what is going to happen in my marriage. I looked around, thinking, if I'm feeling like this, I wonder what kind of pain these other people are carrying around, too. Then I caught the eye of a friend of mine, who gave me this big, toothy grin, and I smiled back, and as I bowed my head, this feeling of peace came over me. I thought, I DO have the power to choose what happens in my life. I can choose to do what's right. I can let him go...and you know what, he doesn't even have to know it. I don't have to hurt him to show him I'm rising above this mess. It's between me and my God and my family. I can CHOOSE to smile. I can look around for the friendly faces. I can put my efforts into healing my marriage or realizing it isn't working. But I can do it WITHOUT worrying about him, what he's feeling, if he loves me, if I missed out. He didn't realize it, but he did me a favor last night. He made me wake up and realize it wasn't real. Or even if the feelings were genuine, they are over. I've got to take control over ME again. And for that I'm thankful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
In reply to: newsgal524
Wed, 11-24-2004 - 11:04pm

<<>>

You had a moment of clarity and I applaud you. I used to call these little blurps of insight my moments of truth, thus my name: "B_True_2_Yourself". All of us have this capability within us, but most refuse to accept it because denial gets in the way. When I ended my 4.5 year affair last June, the same moment of truth slapped me upside the head (glad I wasn't in church because I almost fell over ;) but it was as if I was talking to my parallel self. Makes sense, eh? Wasn't I living a parallel life? One good, and one bad, hiding behind one to survive in the other? It was at that moment I decided that I could let him go and not even have to tell him. I work with him too. So one day I intentionally failed to mention to him that I was finished. I made a plan to emotionally escape in hopes that mentally and spiritually the rest of who I used to be, would follow. It worked. 4 weeks later he knew it was over without me EVER having to explain why. He knew darn well why. He knew for years how I was struggling with every moment of what we had done. Someone had to step up to the plate and drive the "truth" home. It was over!

I'm proud of you. You reached deep inside of yourself and found some answers. Now the hard part comes with continuing to be true to yourself and believing in what you've uncovered.

Good luck,

~True~