Something I should reconsider?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Something I should reconsider?
5
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 7:02pm
I'm having a down day and I need to vent. My xMM and I have managed to stay in contact after a very rocky period this past month. He originially initiated NC and after I emailed him a couple times basically stating the reasons why I wanted to keep our friendship, he agreed. We have been writing every day for the past week once or twice per day. (That's a lot less than we had been doing). Today I didn't hear from him, and like the drama queen I am, I'm sitting here wondering if he changes his mind about talking again? I think I'm overreacting and I know I'm putting myself through stress that I just don't need. I was wondering yesterday if I should reconsider being friends with him.

I deserve someone that wants to be friends with me, not someone I have to fight to stay in touch with. Things have changed so much in the past month, he has really changed towards me although he insists that he cares a lot about me and thinks about me often. His W basically gave him an ultimatum of choosing our friendship or her. He's trying to make his marriage work and I understand that. It's hard for the both of us to let go because I was there for him when he had nobody else to turn to. But now I feel "lucky" to hear from him once per day. That's just insane!

Now today I'm just sitting here worried and feeling down, wondering what comes next? He's changing his life by getting a new job and maybe moving. I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment soon but I'm not strong enough to walk away. I wish I was because then it will be something that I have chosen, not something that HE chose for ME. I wish I didn't over analyze things and put myself through this mess. I wish I could "act like a man" and put things into perspective or at least just ignore the unpleasantness of all this. My xMM is the KING of avoidance, why can't I be??? GRRRR

Oh well, I'm just thinking out loud. I commend all of you that were able to walk away and stay away. I hope I can get there someday. I hope it's soon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 8:37pm
Gentle hugs to you, honey. I think you will eventually realize what many of us on this board have - walking away and closing the door is best. Personally, I could not maintain any kind of safe contact with my XMM, the temptation would always be there. 100% of our relationship was romantic. Yes, we were friends, but we wouldn't have been friends if we weren't also lovers. Bottom line, I've got lots of other friends.

While his presence in my life has most definitely been a loss, its also been peaceful. I made a decision I feel good about and have stuck with that. I couldn't handle the torment of back and forth communication, the awkwardness of trying to communicate about something other than our future together, trying to pretend there was never a higher level of intimacy. You know what I mean. You may have seen my post this morning about the text message I received a few days ago. I considered it an intrusion and I have no desire to get myself mired down in the drama that I know keeping him in my life would create.

That's just me. I've heard many people stay friends after affairs, relationships and divorces. I've known of many couples whose relationships were better after the romance was removed. I guess I feel so strongly about this because my A was not based on friendship. It was based purely on escape, and XMM was the "thing" that got me out of my life.

All that being said, my heart goes out to you. You may be in the midst of a slowly ending relationship. I can only speak for myself, but there's something to be said for a clean break. Just my .02 cents. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 11:25am
Hi there, I can relate to how you are feeling. My MM started NC with me over a month ago. He did get in touch a couple weeks ago and suggested we get together again for an intimate encounter.

Then I never heard back from him again (and we did not get together after all).

Anyways, I think the clean break is best. I think that's what he's trying to do now. He knows we can't just talk and not get back into the same thing we were doing before.

So although it hurts, I am trying to get thru it too. I already had decided anyways I wanted to try harder with my H to make things work out. So this is probably for the best for me.

But I totally know what you mean, thinking you will hear from them, and then nothing.

It hurts, there's no getting around that. But if you maintain NC, it will get easier as time goes by. I don't think about MM so much anymore, and the pain is lessened each day.

But then again, I dont ever have to actually "see" him again either. We don't even live in the same city. Anyways, my best wishes to you,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 1:39pm
I feel very strongly that unless you are both on the same page, and both *truly* over the emotional addiction (there's more to having an affair than the physical aspect), both at a point of almost indifference about each other -- it is not a good idea to try to maintain a friendship. Do you feel that disappointed when any of your other friends skip a day of corresponding with you? Of course not. Would his wife approve of your daily contact? Doubtful. Two factors combined that say to me that it's not a real "friendship" you're maintaining, it's an ongoing emotional affair.

That was by far the hardest thing for me to accept about the end of my A. We started our relationship as just friends and we were so close, talking practically every single day for almost 6 years, about every minute detail in our lives. Why couldn't we still talk now that the A was over? Well, I knew darn well why not. We tried several times to go the platonic "friends" route, and eventually we always ended up crossing the platonic line -- it was always about a thousand times MORE exhilirating to rekindle things because we knew and spoke about how taboo it was to do so -- what a turn-on! Now I look back and think, we were so weak; so dumb. It is only now, after 6 months of practically No Contact that I have finally reached a point where I *know* I would never go back to the A, where I no longer obsess about what he's doing and how he's feeling, and I can actually fathom being casually friendly with XMM again someday, although probably not quite yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 3:56pm
Thank you all for your kind words and advice. I hate down days (don't we all?) they just seem to suck the energy and rational thinking right out of me. The thing is, our A is over, and it has been for 5 months. I moved away to another town and it's not possible for us to see each other. Yes I still do have feelings, I always will. I'm not sure if he does, he doesn't talk about feelings much. That's why I think a friendship is possible again. But I know that I need to work harder than he does so that I don't get to the point where I'm disappointed or having a down day because I don't hear from him. This whole thing has been a lot of hard work. I did hear from him today, apparently he was out at meetings all day yesterday and couldn't write. So I spent a whole day wondering if he had changed his mind. I don't think I'm ready to make a clean break yet. I'm hoping that this will just get easier and easier. With everything I've been through, it has gotten better, I just have a long way to go.

Thank you to everyone for helping me and cheering me up. It's so great to get support from strong women that are going through/have gone through the same thing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 11:42am
jessesmom -

maintaining a friendship is not an easy thing to do after the A....in fact, i find it more difficult. And it is true...you wouldn't get down if a g/f didn't contact you for a day. It is more of an emotional thing b/c you still have feelings for him and possibly him for you, but there's someone else involved too...the W. And for some godforsaken reason...these men feel like they need to stay with someone who doesn't make them happy, who doesn't share the same values or goals as they do anymore, to stay in a miserable relationship b/c they feel a responsibility - to their children, and possibly to the wedding vows they took with their W. Because i think to men...a failed marriage means more to them than a failed relationship....it has more of an impact on them...they feel like somehow, somewhere they have failed themselves, and we all know that men don't like to be considered failures...in any aspect.

I, too, wish i didn't overanalyze things as i sometimes do where XMM is concerned, but i guess that's just how women are...we have feelings, we're not plastic, and yes...things affect us and we're not afraid to show some emotion.

I wish u strength to get thru this...it's not easy keeping ur feelings on the backburner while trying to maintain a "friends only" relationship. I'm having a difficult time with it also...and sometimes i think just NC would be the best but i don't think ime ready for him to be completely out my life either...maybe in time we will find the strength....