Something I should reconsider?
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| Mon, 06-14-2004 - 7:02pm |
I deserve someone that wants to be friends with me, not someone I have to fight to stay in touch with. Things have changed so much in the past month, he has really changed towards me although he insists that he cares a lot about me and thinks about me often. His W basically gave him an ultimatum of choosing our friendship or her. He's trying to make his marriage work and I understand that. It's hard for the both of us to let go because I was there for him when he had nobody else to turn to. But now I feel "lucky" to hear from him once per day. That's just insane!
Now today I'm just sitting here worried and feeling down, wondering what comes next? He's changing his life by getting a new job and maybe moving. I feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment soon but I'm not strong enough to walk away. I wish I was because then it will be something that I have chosen, not something that HE chose for ME. I wish I didn't over analyze things and put myself through this mess. I wish I could "act like a man" and put things into perspective or at least just ignore the unpleasantness of all this. My xMM is the KING of avoidance, why can't I be??? GRRRR
Oh well, I'm just thinking out loud. I commend all of you that were able to walk away and stay away. I hope I can get there someday. I hope it's soon.

While his presence in my life has most definitely been a loss, its also been peaceful. I made a decision I feel good about and have stuck with that. I couldn't handle the torment of back and forth communication, the awkwardness of trying to communicate about something other than our future together, trying to pretend there was never a higher level of intimacy. You know what I mean. You may have seen my post this morning about the text message I received a few days ago. I considered it an intrusion and I have no desire to get myself mired down in the drama that I know keeping him in my life would create.
That's just me. I've heard many people stay friends after affairs, relationships and divorces. I've known of many couples whose relationships were better after the romance was removed. I guess I feel so strongly about this because my A was not based on friendship. It was based purely on escape, and XMM was the "thing" that got me out of my life.
All that being said, my heart goes out to you. You may be in the midst of a slowly ending relationship. I can only speak for myself, but there's something to be said for a clean break. Just my .02 cents. Love, Mo.
Then I never heard back from him again (and we did not get together after all).
Anyways, I think the clean break is best. I think that's what he's trying to do now. He knows we can't just talk and not get back into the same thing we were doing before.
So although it hurts, I am trying to get thru it too. I already had decided anyways I wanted to try harder with my H to make things work out. So this is probably for the best for me.
But I totally know what you mean, thinking you will hear from them, and then nothing.
It hurts, there's no getting around that. But if you maintain NC, it will get easier as time goes by. I don't think about MM so much anymore, and the pain is lessened each day.
But then again, I dont ever have to actually "see" him again either. We don't even live in the same city. Anyways, my best wishes to you,
Dusty
That was by far the hardest thing for me to accept about the end of my A. We started our relationship as just friends and we were so close, talking practically every single day for almost 6 years, about every minute detail in our lives. Why couldn't we still talk now that the A was over? Well, I knew darn well why not. We tried several times to go the platonic "friends" route, and eventually we always ended up crossing the platonic line -- it was always about a thousand times MORE exhilirating to rekindle things because we knew and spoke about how taboo it was to do so -- what a turn-on! Now I look back and think, we were so weak; so dumb. It is only now, after 6 months of practically No Contact that I have finally reached a point where I *know* I would never go back to the A, where I no longer obsess about what he's doing and how he's feeling, and I can actually fathom being casually friendly with XMM again someday, although probably not quite yet.
Thank you to everyone for helping me and cheering me up. It's so great to get support from strong women that are going through/have gone through the same thing!
maintaining a friendship is not an easy thing to do after the A....in fact, i find it more difficult. And it is true...you wouldn't get down if a g/f didn't contact you for a day. It is more of an emotional thing b/c you still have feelings for him and possibly him for you, but there's someone else involved too...the W. And for some godforsaken reason...these men feel like they need to stay with someone who doesn't make them happy, who doesn't share the same values or goals as they do anymore, to stay in a miserable relationship b/c they feel a responsibility - to their children, and possibly to the wedding vows they took with their W. Because i think to men...a failed marriage means more to them than a failed relationship....it has more of an impact on them...they feel like somehow, somewhere they have failed themselves, and we all know that men don't like to be considered failures...in any aspect.
I, too, wish i didn't overanalyze things as i sometimes do where XMM is concerned, but i guess that's just how women are...we have feelings, we're not plastic, and yes...things affect us and we're not afraid to show some emotion.
I wish u strength to get thru this...it's not easy keeping ur feelings on the backburner while trying to maintain a "friends only" relationship. I'm having a difficult time with it also...and sometimes i think just NC would be the best but i don't think ime ready for him to be completely out my life either...maybe in time we will find the strength....