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| Wed, 05-12-2010 - 11:35am |
Good morning EASers-
It's foggy here, and that has me down a bit. I so enjoy the sunshine and miss it dearly when it is gone.
Anyway, on this very foggy morning, I have been reflective. Recently, some women have reached out to me via email to ask how you stop worrying/obsessing about him/wondering what he is thinking. This is a toughie. It's natural to keep him in the forefront of our minds, especially in the early days of NC. We've spent so long thinking about his needs over ours. It's a tough habit to break. But here is the most simple terms I can use to explain what you need to do. While you were in the A, you continued to put xaps needs above your own. You gave up your power and it made you feel miserable and weak. Now, you've garnered the strength to end it (or garnered the strength to stick to NC even if you didn't end it) and you are still allowing yourself to put xap in front of YOU.
So, stop it. Stop allowing xap to have that power. Start putting yourself first- your needs, your H or SO, your family. Start little... and then build on it, and soon, you will find that you have experienced a complete mental shift. Xap

Right on, Jane. Wonderful post. Isn't if funny that we A-havers are "selfish" in that we have A's, steal what is not ours, put our own damaged selves ahead of the well-being of our M's, H's, families... but when it comes to being selfish in the right way, we fail too often? When I was newly out of my A, I often thought of myself as two distinct people: the one that was a lost child, and the one that was wise, loving and strong. My strong self often reminded the child to love herself, and those who deserved to be loved, MORE than the addiction, more than the high, more than the X. It was hard to break the cycle of self-abuse, and it took time, but it's possible to rewire all those screwed up synapses with work, time and constant vigilance.
Keep up the excellent work!
Dee
Great suggestions!
CSN-
Thanks for bringing up the work situation. You are a little further out of your A than me and I don't envy you having to work in such close proximity. I just couldn't do it, so shortly after ending my A, I pursued a new career and was able to move jobs. And it was the best decision I ever made. I haven't seen xap in 40 days and haven't had to correspond via email is 32. Just that space has helped immensely- has helped me turn a corner. There is a lot to be said for complete NC. But, as you remain in LC, I commend your strength. You are an inspiration.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane you are so right on for those that are complete NC.....I think a lot of our thoughts have to do with mind control.
Thanks, Jane and NS.
Alice,
I love the laundry comment...omg, I can identify!
In between my obsessive internal dialogue writing him angry explanation desperate-14-year-old-girl emails, haha..I have now embraced a new emotion -- I am so f&*#ing proud of myself for maintaining NC! Woo hoo! He said I couldn't do it. HE is sitting in his office right now SHOCKED that I did it. Tee hee the joy that is bringing me! I chase away these thoughts of "am I hurting him?" OMG! who am I?? Dee, we need to be selfish for once, you are right.
I love this!!! Can I make THIS my new mantra? :) Hugs~~~
~~Serenity~~
Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha
~~Serenity~~
Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha