Something is wrong with me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Something is wrong with me!
2
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 11:18am
Why can't I get over this. One day I feel completely fine and rationalize why we ended things and don't feel rejected. Then the next day I am feeling down again. I don't feel rejected bc he chose to be with his family bc that is not why we ended things. I keep trying to end things bc I knew I had to go on with my life bc he wasn't ready to leave her right now. I wasn't ready to leave my husband either. I was beating myself up for it and then I guess beating him up too about it. When I did finally say we needed to go our separate ways, he didn't want to stop talking to me and said he was having a hard time with it as well. He said all he thinks about is our situtation and his job (really stressful). He said that usually people break up bc one party does not want to do it anymore but in this case he said "him more than me didn't want it to end. It kills him to think about me getting preg by husband bc he knows it will never be between us then. How can one say all that and then then turn around and not want to talk to you anymore when you call him back. I called back after that and we blew up and then I called after that to make sure there were no hard feeling and got off the phone with him and sounded like I did want it over and told him to take care, hope everything works out for them and see you around. Pretty much a goodbye - don't you think. He did tell me in that last call he could never hate me and was thinking about me. I acted like oh well - gotta go and I hated that and felt bad so I called back. He didn't even want to talk to me and asked to call me back - never did. 7 weeks

Why do I feel rejected by that last phone call> I did it to myself bc I acted the time before like I didn't want to do it anymore. PLease don't rail me for this but tyr to make me understand why he didn't want to talk to me. I can't get past that. SOmetimes I feel that he was just hurt bc the time before I acted like it was over and hung up the phone so he moved on. But sometimes (like today) I feel he just didn't care anymore. How can that be when he did want to talk to me three days before and a week before that said all the things above. Why can't I just accept what he said then and not harp on the last phone call made. I hate this feeling. Please give me some comfort. I am moving on with my life with my h but I can't help to feel like I lost in this when it was my decision to go separate ways but still called him.

I know I post about this all the time and this is my only hang up about the A. I hate that I made that last call when I could have walked away with my head held high before I called him the last time. Can you end something and still keep calling and not look like you were pinning over them. I was just so confused about everything but he nipped it in the bud for me quite fast. The time before (week of Labor Day) I broke it off and he got really mad and I called him the next day. He said he would call me back and never did. Icalled him the next week and he said he was going to call me but he was pissed off at me. So I did call him back that time - Ihave not called him back this time and will not

I'm sorry I sound so pathetic. I am never like this in fact most people think I am rather bitchy. I only act this way around here bc I know someone out there feels like I do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:13pm
Merehud -

Nothing is wrong with you. We have all been there. xOM & I broke up 3 months ago, and I still have bad days.

I wonder if you are going through the same thing I am. It's the "What the hell happened" syndrome. My xOM was so in love with me, and then suddenly I was just his booty call, then I wasn't even that. I don't understand how things (feelings/emotions) can change so quickly. I wanted answers and I wanted to know why, how, what, when. The thing I am starting to realize and accept is, I will never know. It sucks, but it's true. I will NEVER get the answers I am looking for.

I know you feel awful right now and I know telling you to concentrate on your H and M is easier said than done. But you CAN do this. The hardest part is behind you. 7 weeks with NC is so amazing. I can't wait till the day I can say that! Feel free to email me anytime you need to vent. I find that just getting it out is really helpful!!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:44pm
Merehud,

I don't post often but I did read all your posts and I feel your pain and can certainly relate.

Please don't beat yourself up about the last words exchanged, keep a fond memory of everything that you two shared and then try to move on. Only you two know how much you felt for each other and how much emotions are involved. Nobody else knows. And both of you knew that it has to end, it doesn't matter who ended it. It doesn't mean that you stop caring for each other in one day.

Of course the last moments are the hardest to deal with. And each person reacts differently. My xMM had also to deal with an unexpected pregnancy and it was overwhelming for him. He said he cares for me very much but had to withdraw because he was struggling too much. Also he had to move away, so putting some distance between and not let our emotions get in was his goal. I was so crushed in my ego/pride/feelings because I was forced to comply with his decision!! I couldn't understand why he could so warm and then so cold all of the sudden. Sometimes when you don't see/talk to the person you crave, you feel less the desire and craving and therefore the pain. It doesn't mean it was easy for him but he thinks that way would bring less pain. This is how he thinks. It is a fact and men are very practical. He is dealing with too many things right now. The most caring thing he can do is leave you alone and not hurt you anymore. He is feeling the same pain and hurt to keep NC just like you. I know that because my xMM actually told me what he felt, 5 months after he moved away.

You are strong no matter what you think right now. 7 weeks are in your pocket!!!, you should be so proud of yourself. Look at how much you accomplished.

And you will see that one day you will feel so sick and tired of this pain you are carrying that you will open your eyes to all the wonderful things that remain to be done (what about an adorable baby?? ;)). This day is sooner than you think but you have to work a little on yourself (take care of you first!!) and focus all your energy to your husband, family, career. All of them deserve so much of your attention.

Right now, know that your feelings are normal and that you have to go through this painful stage to reach peace with yourself. And we are all here to hold your hand.

Love,