this is soo hard

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
this is soo hard
15
Sun, 12-13-2009 - 6:57pm

I've decided to go NC with AP. Today was the first day. He called twice and i didnt answer and I felt so horrible. It makes me sad to have to do this. I ask myself, why should I feel sad, he

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: caribu79
Sun, 12-13-2009 - 7:48pm

Caribu


Time to make this NC stick this time.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: caribu79
Sun, 12-13-2009 - 8:02pm

Hi Caribu,


I've kept up with your posts in other forums. You've come a long way and I'm glad your ending the madness and decided to get off the merry-go-round. I know you already ended it but going NC is another necessary step in the ending process.


It does hurt at first and it is extremely painful. I know you've been around the boards for a while and have probably already read in the Healing Library towards the bottom of the main page here on EAS.


You are not a fool but like many of us who acted foolish, we see what we've done only when we are deep in the toxic slug of an A. I'm glad you are climbing out.


As you know, things are slow on the weekends and you will probably get more responses once everyone gets their coffee or tea going in their systems tomorrow morning.


Keep posting. It's hard to change habits

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
In reply to: caribu79
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 1:29pm

Thank you Clarity and Empowerment for your words of encouragement.


I've been sick so I didnt go to work today. I think part of the reason I'm sick is b/c the turmoil that this A has put me in. I love him but wasnt happy in this A. I was insecure, thoughts of him and how he felt and what he was doing and if he would leave W and if he really loved me, and if he would call and when, if there was another woman consumed me almost daily.


Today, I feel sad, a little angry and a little numb. I have short fleeting moments when I free and glad to have my life back, but they are short lived. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone right now. I beat myself up for letting things go this far and this long. I ask, y did I do so much for him and ask for almost nothing in return. I have bent over backwards to do for him, I didnt want to go out with friends or family most of the time b/c I wanted to sit and wait for his call, to see if we could spend time together. I drove him to wherever he needed to go, b/c at this time he has no car and no job. How dumb of me. I did this just so I could be with him. I let him get away with so much just so I could be in his presense. When I would confront him about something, he would end up making me feel bad for what I said. I would fall into a depression thinking that he wouldnt want to be with me anymore or that he would never choose me over his W. When I look back at this I didnt get much out of this R. I only got the attention and affection that my H wasnt giving and that is not enough. We had good conversation and he did try to buy me food

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
In reply to: caribu79
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 2:09pm

OMG, Last week XAP reminded me about his son having tonsil surgery. And I told him to let me know how it goes. He just called from the hospital and then another phone. I didnt call back.


Now, I'm feeling guilty again b/c he doesnt know I've decided to go NC and I dont want him to think I dont care about his son. Btw they are at the hospital and I dont live far from there. OOOOhh, help me not to contact him. I feel so bad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: caribu79
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 3:30pm

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
In reply to: caribu79
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 10:48pm
I made it through day 2 of NC. He called me 5x today and I actually felt sick to my stomach b/c I didnt answer the phone. I'm not able to block the # from my phone. I miss him terribly but what can I do. I know he's hurt but so am I. I've been hurt
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
In reply to: caribu79
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 10:59pm
change your number....or call your carrier, you can block calls with almost all cell phone carriers...i know its harsh, but if you dont know hes calling you might deal with it a a bit easier
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: caribu79
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 11:13pm

Hi Caribu,


I'm so sorry I didn't see your other post about him calling from the hospital about his son when

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
In reply to: caribu79
Mon, 12-14-2009 - 11:54pm
Look Caribu, it's gonna hurt you if he calls, it's gonna hurt you if he doesn't call.
Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
In reply to: caribu79
Tue, 12-15-2009 - 12:04am
The pain I feel when I am in NC is a whole lot easier than me being with him. The waiting for the phone calls, not knowing all the time on what is going on with us, all the empty promises, and the holidays were even more difficult especially when he will call me while Christmas shopping and he is buying his gf a present (rightfully so) but really.. I am loving you and wanting you and you are shopping for a family that is not ME!!! That HURTS like hell. More so then the pain I am feeling now. Hard to explain as they both hurt but at least I know and have read on here that at least there is something to look fwd to while on this NC path. The A path a dead end! I know it is sad. Please take care of you and remember we need to build our selves in order to start living the life we do dream of!
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander

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