this is soo hard
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this is soo hard
| Sun, 12-13-2009 - 6:57pm |
I've decided to go NC with AP. Today was the first day. He called twice and i didnt answer and I felt so horrible. It makes me sad to have to do this. I ask myself, why should I feel sad, he

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Caribu
Time to make this NC stick this time.
Hi Caribu,
I've kept up with your posts in other forums. You've come a long way and I'm glad your ending the madness and decided to get off the merry-go-round. I know you already ended it but going NC is another necessary step in the ending process.
It does hurt at first and it is extremely painful. I know you've been around the boards for a while and have probably already read in the Healing Library towards the bottom of the main page here on EAS.
You are not a fool but like many of us who acted foolish, we see what we've done only when we are deep in the toxic slug of an A. I'm glad you are climbing out.
As you know, things are slow on the weekends and you will probably get more responses once everyone gets their coffee or tea going in their systems tomorrow morning.
Keep posting. It's hard to change habits
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Thank you Clarity and Empowerment for your words of encouragement.
I've been sick so I didnt go to work today. I think part of the reason I'm sick is b/c the turmoil that this A has put me in. I love him but wasnt happy in this A. I was insecure, thoughts of him and how he felt and what he was doing and if he would leave W and if he really loved me, and if he would call and when, if there was another woman consumed me almost daily.
Today, I feel sad, a little angry and a little numb. I have short fleeting moments when I free and glad to have my life back, but they are short lived. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone right now. I beat myself up for letting things go this far and this long. I ask, y did I do so much for him and ask for almost nothing in return. I have bent over backwards to do for him, I didnt want to go out with friends or family most of the time b/c I wanted to sit and wait for his call, to see if we could spend time together. I drove him to wherever he needed to go, b/c at this time he has no car and no job. How dumb of me. I did this just so I could be with him. I let him get away with so much just so I could be in his presense. When I would confront him about something, he would end up making me feel bad for what I said. I would fall into a depression thinking that he wouldnt want to be with me anymore or that he would never choose me over his W. When I look back at this I didnt get much out of this R. I only got the attention and affection that my H wasnt giving and that is not enough. We had good conversation and he did try to buy me food
OMG, Last week XAP reminded me about his son having tonsil surgery. And I told him to let me know how it goes. He just called from the hospital and then another phone. I didnt call back.
Now, I'm feeling guilty again b/c he doesnt know I've decided to go NC and I dont want him to think I dont care about his son. Btw they are at the hospital and I dont live far from there. OOOOhh, help me not to contact him. I feel so bad.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Hi Caribu,
I'm so sorry I didn't see your other post about him calling from the hospital about his son when
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
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