Find a Conversation
|Fri, 08-31-2012 - 12:30am|
First of all H found out about me sending XAP a picture of the baby (going thru my phone and found his number under recent recipients). Last time he talked to him on the phone, this time he went over to his house to talk to him (again stuff about him not contacting me and him needing to tell his W about the baby). But what hurt me is that he came back and told me "You're over here missing him, and he was coming back from being out with his W and kids, he doesn't care about you or the baby, he told me himself that it was all just "game" for him." When XAP and I were together he would say things like "I love you, I need you, I can't imagine my life without you." Now I wonder was any of it really true? Did he really love me? Or was it all just a game for him? I know it really doesn't even matter, but it still hurts like heck to hear!!
The other thing is I had told H about me coming to this board, and how I feel like it's really helped me. Then today H got on the board and read some of my post (guess he figured out who I am since I'm the only one on here with a baby involved). So now he's upset over some of the things he read I posted on here, and I'm upset because I feel like this board is helping, but now I can't really express myself for fear of H reading my posts. I tried to explain that to him, and he said he wouldn't come back on the board, but can I really trust him not to?
It seems like H and I are both trying to heal, ourselves and the marriage, yet we take one step forward and two steps back. We keep hurting each other. I know to regain trust we have to be totally open with each other, but to me I don't see how me telling him how much I still miss XAP and how much I'm still struggling to let go is going to help. H keeps telling me to talk to him about it, my thoughts, my feelings. But to me it seems like unless you've gone thru this yourself you can't understand. You can't understand how difficult it can be to let go of someone you think you still love. And H seems to think I'm not trying hard enough, but I am trying!!
Just feel so tiered today. Tiered of trying to get XAP out of my head. Tiered of trying to work things out with H, but him feeling like I'm not trying hard enough and me feeling like he just doesn't understand how difficult this is for me. Just tiered.