Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 12:30am

First of all H found out about me sending XAP a picture of the baby (going thru my phone and found his number under recent recipients). Last time he talked to him on the phone, this time he went over to his house to talk to him (again stuff about him not contacting me and him needing to tell his W about the baby). But what hurt me is that he came back and told me "You're over here missing him, and he was coming back from being out with his W and kids, he doesn't care about you or the baby, he told me himself that it was all just "game" for him." When XAP and I were together he would say things like "I love you, I need you, I can't imagine my life without you." Now I wonder was any of it really true? Did he really love me? Or was it all just a game for him? I know it really doesn't even matter, but it still hurts like heck to hear!!

The other thing is I had told H about me coming to this board, and how I feel like it's really helped me. Then today H got on the board and read some of my post (guess he figured out who I am since I'm the only one on here with a baby involved). So now he's upset over some of the things he read I posted on here, and I'm upset because I feel like this board is helping, but now I can't really express myself for fear of H reading my posts. I tried to explain that to him, and he said he wouldn't come back on the board, but can I really trust him not to?

It seems like H and I are both trying to heal, ourselves and the marriage, yet we take one step forward and two steps back. We keep hurting each other. I know to regain trust we have to be totally open with each other, but to me I don't see how me telling him how much I still miss XAP and how much I'm still struggling to let go is going to help. H keeps telling me to talk to him about it, my thoughts, my feelings. But to me it seems like unless you've gone thru this yourself you can't understand. You can't understand how difficult it can be to let go of someone you think you still love. And H seems to think I'm not trying hard enough, but I am trying!!

Just feel so tiered today. Tiered of trying to get XAP out of my head. Tiered of trying to work things out with H, but him feeling like I'm not trying hard enough and me feeling like he just doesn't understand how difficult this is for me. Just tiered.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
In reply to:
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 8:33am

I agree about the hormones afte having a baby BTDT, but please realize that your H is doing one of the hardest things ANY man or woman in a M can be expected to do. He is trying to save a M while having to take care of another man's child. Every day he sees that beautiful little baby, he thinks about you and your xap being together. The pain, I'm sure is unbearable. The fact that you two are still M is a miracle. Allowing your H to read your posts is very noble of you and it shows that you are finally trying to lead an authentic and honest life with integrity. Although it might hurt to be honest, in the long run being a woman with integrity and standards feels a lot better. It feels good to know that you aren't sneaking around being someone else's play toy while they go home to their W. If xap loved you enough he would be with you. He is with his W because that is where he wants to be (no matter how many ILUs and I want to be with you he told you, men make mountains move to be with the woman they love).

Try sharing your deepest feelings with your H even if you think it might hurt. He deserves to know the total truth. You are really not withholding your feelings from your H to protect him it is self preservation. Please try to do some real soul searching and determine if you want to save your M and if you do, start telling the truth about everything.

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
In reply to:
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 8:43am


I am a man, aka Mr. Blunt at times, who isn’t hormonal, but has lived the other side your story, being a BS and can give you some insight from your H point of view.  I must add that my heart breaks with your story, for you, your H and your family.  I have had experiences that are very close to your story. They still haunt me.

You seem to be shooting yourself in the foot at every turn.  That’s putting it very lightly.

You are your own worst enemy and for whatever reason, as long as you continue to be, and to be uncommitted to what you want, you will have a problem, that is until H gets fed up and either packs his bags or packs yours and kicks you out.

In an earlier post I questioned you on what you wanted.  What was the perfect solution.  You haven’t made up your mind what you want. You keep waiting for another fantasy to come along with AP.  There are times that you just have to make up your mind, and live with it.  Right or wrong and move on. 

The major problem as I see it, is you lack commitment to anyone.  Your H, your family, your newest child, or your AP.  You are playing all sides of the street, hanging on to all of them.  You are being a cake-eater.  It’s simple as I see it.

You continue to hold on to the fantasy of AP, him being the person who told you the things that you wanted to hear and fulfilled whatever needs that weren’t being met in your M.  He may very well have meant them at the time.  Then and NOW!!! The time is now.  Let the past go.  What has he done to back those things up.  NOTHING!!!  He has thrown you under the bus.  He has left you high and dry.  Sure he still wants you.  IF…….he can still have his wife and family.  He is gutless. If he really meant all those things, and still believed them, he would come and get you, your child and try to make a life together.  He hasn’t.  He won’t.  It is all a fantasy that has ended and you guys keep hanging onto it, like it really meant something.  It didn’t. It was all just a fantasy.

Your lack of being open with your H is like driving a spike in his heart when he finds out that you are lying to him, and not being truthful.  It is another DDay all over again.  He understands, I am sure, that you are in fact going through a tough time emotionally in ending the affair. It sounds like he is living with that part. It burns, that you don’t seem to be ENDING it.  You keep hanging on.  I don’t know if there has been any other communication between you and AP but H is expecting you to end it.  Ending it completely.  You keep hanging on.  Hanging onto some fantasy.  

Your AP is nothing more than a sperm donor.  That baby’s daddy will be the one who raises it, loves it and supports it.  That’s who the real father will be.  The one who guides them through life, the one is there for them when they fall and skin the knee, break an arm, or has distress in their life.  So far, AP hasn’t stepped up to the window to take on the responsibility.  H has.  AP is still keeping quiet, and keeping W and family out of it.  I call it gutless.

You have now been caught.  Caught in an A, lying and cheating, and now you have been caught again.  Same thing.  Lying and cheating.  How long do you think you can get away with it?  H is on to you.  He is going to be checking on you.  He will be back to read all the things that you wrote, and all the new stuff.  His trust in you is about gone.  As well as it should be.  (The good news, it can be rebuilt)  It’s up to you and your actions.  You are playing with fire and his life.  You are messing with the lives on your family.  You have been inconsiderate to him, his feelings and have put his life in jeopardy.  You think you understand, but I’ll bet you don’t.  In the A fog, we only think about ourselves.

This will end when you make up your mind what you are going to do.  How you are going to walk the line.  How are you going to END it???  You can’t have it all.  You can have bits and pieces.  It is all in the compromise.  You have to give up something to have other things. You do have to make up your mind what you can live with.

It’s time to make some decisions; it’s the 9/11 of your life.  If your fantasy is worth living then go for it.  If reality is worth living then go for it.  Just like the towers coming down, everyone’s life is jeopardy and you need to make some decisions as to what and who you are going to save. 

I hope we don’t lose you because of your fear of posting.  It is just a fact in the web now.  I am pulling for you to get through this, and to find happiness in life.

I know I sound harsh, but I only want the best for you, your family and AP's family.  Reality can be a bitch!  This really is support.


We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to:
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 10:16am

Morning (((HNW)))

I think you are tired of the struggle because you can't/won't accept that it was all one big waste of time.  It's hard because to do so means we have to admit that we messed up big time...for nothing....that we jeopardized all we hold dear...for nothing. I think this is what you have to come to terms with.  Once you do, you can begin to focus your attention where it belongs.  It's still exhausting work...trying to figure yourself out...but it is a healing work and has you moving forward.  Right now, all you are doing is spinning your wheels and THAT IS EXHAUSTING.

And trying is not doing.  And sending off a pic to JAM wasn't even trying.  

But let's get down to the real nitty gritty and get real.  You say you 'think' you love this man.  What is it that you think you love about him?

1.  that he lied to you with words of love and needing you blah blah crap?

2.  that he continues to deceive his wife and family?

3. that he, indeed, threw you under the bus to clean up the mess yourself?

4. that he has no testicular fortitude to step up to the plate and be a mensch?

Just what is it that is so lovable about this man?  


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
In reply to:
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 11:36am


I have nothing new to add hun its all been said by Rather and Clarity. Please, please please, read and read and read their posts over and over. It's all there in black and white. Healing you are so much better than this JAM - heck he's not even a JAM. It's time to pick yourself up and get with the programme. Im so sorry you are hurting, my heart goes out to you, but it is time to let this go because if you dont I fear you will lose everything that is real in your life. He has abused you enough, no more! Hold your head high and work now on fixing what is important. You know I am willing you all the way. I believe in you.


Much Hugs to you.

Sunny Soon Xxx

Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
In reply to:
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 6:42pm
Keep posting, Healing. Get it all out here and tell your husband to read any time he wants. He doesn't owe you any trust right now. You owe him. So go ahead, girl. Build that goldfish bowl and start living in it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 11:56pm

I'm glad yall feeling better after communicating more openly :smileyhappy:  They say communication is the key.  I don't know who 'they' are, but I guess 'they' know who they are.  

I'm glad you are talking it out together.  Being united in tough situations can really bring a couple closer and I figure start the process of rebuilding trust too.  I don't know if the communications between yall had anything to do with his reading this Board.  I hope you arrived at a decision you are both comfortable with.

big ole ((((HUG))))