Sorry if this is TMI
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| Mon, 06-06-2005 - 1:46pm |
Okay this might be TMI for some... if so, back away from the post! ;)
I've been in a "relationship" for 8 years with a guy that I LOVE deeply... we are BEST friends and yet... that *might* be ALL we are. After a year and a half of sex, I pulled the sex card from our relationship... reasons were forthcoming then - didn't want to get pregnant (even though I was and still am on the pill), I wanted to reestablish my morals, I wanted to see if there was more to our relationship than just sex... etc. etc.
2 years ago (4.5 years into abstinence with boyfriend) I didn't think twice when exMM and I consummated our affair.
Okay so... the A ended with exMM last year... the last time we had sex was in March of 04... *sigh*. It's important to note... I HAVE had sexual partners prior to boyfriend... a number of different sexual encounters and yet NONE - not with the 1 night stands or long time boyfriend... NONE of the sexual encounters before exMM even COMPARED to what I experienced with exMM. It's like we were a hand and glove - PERFECT fit! The way he looked at me during... the way he moved... his physique over me... EVERYTHING about it was just what I'd always dreamed of and wanted... and HE, unfortunately was fitting the bill! Go figure! And sure people are going to be like - it was because of the secrecy and sneaking around, etc. - whatever! I know what I know and we were good together in that aspect.
So... the A ended in March... December I confessed everything to boyfriend (who I'd kinda pushed away over the last year saying I needed space, etc. - to help with the guilt) he was supportive - true to his character. To this day he knows EVERYTHING about exMM - even how much I still miss him! but yes he was hurt that I compromised my values and reasons for exMM and not him! it is rather confusing! :(
Anyway... I decided that if I was ever gonna know if things between boyfriend and I could advance to the next level - be more than best friends... I was going to have to cross that intimacy line with him again. Obviously after almost 6 years of not relating to each other on that level it felt REALLY weird. But 2 months ago I slept with boyfriend again. It was WEIRD and awkward and after it was over I just wanted him gone (I didn't show that eagerness to him but in a sly way I forced him out the door). ALL I could think about was exMM - how different being with boyfriend was and how HE felt so different and just down right not satisfying to me. As far as his size and his sex face and just how he moved... NOTHING felt right! :(
I decided to give it another go a week later... SAME situation and this time I felt like crying during and after... will I NEVER experience that intense feeling again? Will I never feel what I felt all those times with exMM... will I ever have a man look at me like he did... will it ever feel THAT amazing again? :( I fear the answer because I've been with my fair share of men ("in fact, I've been with a lot of people's share of (wo)men" Friends' quote for those who are up on their Friends' quotes!) and I'm TELLING YOU... sex with exMM was exceptional. *sigh* I miss that sex!
Anyway... what is YOUR take on:
1) my problem with boyfriend?
2) my problem on fear of no more good sex!
and 3) the importance of good sex when choosing a mate?
Edited 6/6/2005 2:18 pm ET ET by imanewposter

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How about all 3 with 1 answer? Dial 1-800-therapy. There are some deep rooted underlying issues that you need to deal with before you will find happiness with any man, whether they *fit* or not.
Edited 6/6/2005 3:09 pm ET ET by sundrian
I typed a really long email to you last night and I deleted today after understanding that you are no where near ready to hear it.
sheesh... I guess everyone sees me as SCREWED up because I put this out there...
Nope - I'm moving forward whether people on this board think so or not. No deaf ears here... but acting like I've fallen off the deep end and better seek some white jacket therapy asap is ridiculous!
Thanks for the replies though!
I respectfully TOTALLY disagree with the two other posters. I suppose I have two points. First, I believe some people just have more chemistry between them than others do, so heck yes I believe that "intimacy" could be better between those with searing hot chemistry than those who plain don't have that. I would also add that for me The Kiss is very important ......... some people just kiss so wonderfully together, while some others don't have that .. that explosion of everything under the sun when you kiss! That's hot.
My second point is: does EVERYONE have to say "You should seek therapy"? Can't you just "be" and be allowed to have your thoughts and feelings and actions? I can totally identify with the original poster; I'm in much the same boat.
To the original poster I say, you know, we are probably going to have to bite the bullet and have sex with our Hs and see if our feelings warm up. This, plus we need to try and keep NC with the OP (I am failing miserably at this right now but that's okay). I am going to keep trying with my H until I either start feeling more loving toward him or I am going to seek a separation at the very least. Regardless, I choose the no therapy route. Just don't see the need to go there. This is my life and we'll see how things go. Keep posting. Love Fzz
I think that most people in our situations have a little bit screwed up or why else would we do the destructive things that we do/did?
Thank you Fzz! If for nothing else, atleast for allowing me to feel like my feelings are valid!!
Some times I think that's all some of us are looking for.
"does EVERYONE have to say "You should seek therapy"? Can't you just "be" and be allowed to have your thoughts and feelings and actions?"
I don't understand why so many around here are always pushing psychologists - I've used that method before but for now I chose to look within myself and trust my higher power.
and the bottom line still remains - there was just something intense between us... something I'd not experienced before!
Edited 6/6/2005 3:51 pm ET ET by imanewposter
Hi RB,
Do you know any more info about this study? I'd love to read it.
Thanks, WIP
I really do believe some are better at sex than others or fit our sexual tastes better than others or just do things the way we'd like them from the get go..or feel or personality and know how to please..etc. etc etc. Just because you are in a loving relationship with someone doesnt mean they are good at sex. I dated the nicest guy in the world....he was horrible in bed and wasn't the type to EVER talk about sex....i knew in my heart that it would never get better...after a long "before sex" courtship....i could never feel that way with him. He didnt inspire me or make me feel sexy..he was more like a brother. I didnt' wait 6 years...but I did give it a good 1 and 1/2 years to actually try someone who was sweet to my soul...but ya know...it was never passionate. I'll let someone else eak that out in him. (I think he found someone...congrats to her if she could handle that job...i couldnt..perhaps it was a short coming on my end but ya know what..i dont care LOL i knew who i was and wanted to be ..and with him it wasn't happening...whether its my fault or his..it doesnt matter...all i know is i felt more at ease with others and didn't have to work so hard at it with them).
You are not crazy...you are just going to be struggling with how you feel about how comfy you are in your loving relationship vs. your sexual one. Sometimes they dont go hand in hand because of personality traits that make someone "hot" do not make them loving out-side-of-the-bed partners. KWIM? Irregardless, I'd listen to your subconscious and any thing that makes you think twice. Instinct and intuition and forethought is given to us for a reason.
Your situation is unique unto you. This would be a very hard question for others to answer for you.
What can you live with? Sometimes sexual chemistry isn't important to others...sometimes that is all someone wants..I am sure there is a happy medium out there..but I cannot tell others to take the route Ive gone and wait until things are absolutely perfect because perfection may never come and you end up living a slightly lonlier life (::sigh::).
Good luck..keep your eyes and ears open in the mean time to that lil voice...and dont do ANYTHING you are not 100% sure of YOUR feelings about. Remember you can only control yourself.
Lizzie
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