Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
You're right! The mixed message - the CRAZYMAKING! First I was adored because I was a firecracker - outspoken- was told my passion was what was loved - even my kids said, "Mom...you ARE the excitement he CANT get at home" (Both sad yet splendid that my grown children could say this to me)
Then at SOME POINT!?!?! maybe when he realized I began expecting "something" either BACK or for him to leave - whenever - it was likely just when he realized he needed to give something back & couldnt or wouldnt...that I suddenly became "TOO MUCH".
My emails were too long. Suddenly my passion and verve were that (in his words) "i needed DRAMA". When I wanted to talk about things - I was "creating drama". Suddenly- my desire to be frequently sexual - was that I was an easy 'slut' that would sleep with anyone. Which by the way - now that I actually HAVE slept with someone outside of the a....Maybe these feelings are coming back now - the message I
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
Thank you for your lovely words ... I have learnt so much from reading myself in other people's stories, and trying to figure out for myself how I went from being the person that was larger than life (and loved for it), to someone who was needy & asking for too much. I literally felt like I was going insane, and in many ways the distorted beliefs about myself and the affair were a testament to my eroded mental health.
I think we're all onto something here - my xAP was very attracted to all the energy I had - my spark, intelligence, humor, sexuality, warmth, generosity etc ... I am someone who people feel safe & special to be around. Initially xAP was all over all of that, he was so star struck by my attention. He would write & text me all hours of the day and night, he was relentless and totally all over me.
However, over time all this connection started to (obviosuly) impact on his home life. He would pull back and then come at me again full force. Hot and then cold ... Once I started expressing needs and noting the lack of reciprocation out loud, I was told that I was "too much" - in fact he came right out and told me that I needed to SHINE LESS BRIGHT because it made it too hard on him to return home - that everything else paled in comparision (YUCK- VOMIT). I had never before in my life been made to feel like I was too much. So, I started to try and tune myself down, take up less room, ask for less, require less - BECOME LESS. How self-destructive is that?!
I tried to find a way to become less than I was in order to seek his approval, even more, so that I could cope mentally with the notion that he was getting all of me and more, and I was getting so little in return. You would think he would stop taking so much from me recognizing that he was giving (relatively) so little in return. Nope he took and took. And I gave and gave thinking that at some point there would be a "return on all this investing". Nope. He took until I had nothing left to give. No more H and still he felt entitled to more. Even after I ended it - he came asking for more again and again until I quit my job to get away. I never ever want to be subjected to that again. I never want to lack such self-esteem and SELF-LOVE that I tolerate even a wiff of that ... no. Never again. I am on a personal quest to ensure ALL my future relationships celebrate who I am in the world, and not try to deminish it. I won't put myself into a situation again in which deminishing myself is PART OF THE DEAL.
You know TU, I sure do love it when you post the long, thoughtful posts!!!! I REALLY LISTEN, READ SLOWLY AND LEARN when you write!!!
This makes me recall (and talking to Luvin earlier) the concept that my counselor tried to get me to APPROACH when I was contemplating how much to give / take in relationships...
SEEK MUTUALITY
He used this hand gesture where he (no not THAT one) hahhaa he had his hands LEVEL. held out in front of him - he said...that People pleasing relationships (as my a was especially towards the end)
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
Oh, i would be totally into working through some of this together - homework, exercises etc ... I have some really great resources that I use with the women I work with, but haven't looked at turning those same exercises toward/on myself. I wonder if we could create a thread in the healing library once a week or something, with an exercise or specific issue to be working through? Then people could participate as they would like, and if not, the exercises would be part of the healing library for members to come.
thoughts?
I think this might be really useful for those of us past the earlier stages of ending and in need of looking more deeply toward unpacking and resolving some of these core issues.
Pages
Dang, TU.
I really don't want to "step on anybody's tail", so I'll buy the SECOND book :P
Bish!
Keep it comin!!! TU ....
This is the kind of stuff I NEED to hear.
You're right! The mixed message - the CRAZYMAKING! First I was adored because I was a firecracker - outspoken- was told my passion was what was loved - even my kids said, "Mom...you ARE the excitement he CANT get at home" (Both sad yet splendid that my grown children could say this to me)
Then at SOME POINT!?!?! maybe when he realized I began expecting "something" either BACK or for him to leave - whenever - it was likely just when he realized he needed to give something back & couldnt or wouldnt...that I suddenly became "TOO MUCH".
My emails were too long. Suddenly my passion and verve were that (in his words) "i needed DRAMA". When I wanted to talk about things - I was "creating drama". Suddenly- my desire to be frequently sexual - was that I was an easy 'slut' that would sleep with anyone. Which by the way - now that I actually HAVE slept with someone outside of the a....Maybe these feelings are coming back now - the message I
OMG! TU! HITTIN IT AGAIN...As Im reading further down the replies - my God! you're RIGHT -
when the inadequacies of another person - made THEM unable to respond appropriately - (healthily) that's when WE became the target.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
My beautiful sisters & bros,
Thank you for your lovely words ... I have learnt so much from reading myself in other people's stories, and trying to figure out for myself how I went from being the person that was larger than life (and loved for it), to someone who was needy & asking for too much. I literally felt like I was going insane, and in many ways the distorted beliefs about myself and the affair were a testament to my eroded mental health.
I think we're all onto something here - my xAP was very attracted to all the energy I had - my spark, intelligence, humor, sexuality, warmth, generosity etc ... I am someone who people feel safe & special to be around. Initially xAP was all over all of that, he was so star struck by my attention. He would write & text me all hours of the day and night, he was relentless and totally all over me.
However, over time all this connection started to (obviosuly) impact on his home life. He would pull back and then come at me again full force. Hot and then cold ... Once I started expressing needs and noting the lack of reciprocation out loud, I was told that I was "too much" - in fact he came right out and told me that I needed to SHINE LESS BRIGHT because it made it too hard on him to return home - that everything else paled in comparision (YUCK- VOMIT). I had never before in my life been made to feel like I was too much. So, I started to try and tune myself down, take up less room, ask for less, require less - BECOME LESS. How self-destructive is that?!
I tried to find a way to become less than I was in order to seek his approval, even more, so that I could cope mentally with the notion that he was getting all of me and more, and I was getting so little in return. You would think he would stop taking so much from me recognizing that he was giving (relatively) so little in return. Nope he took and took. And I gave and gave thinking that at some point there would be a "return on all this investing". Nope. He took until I had nothing left to give. No more H and still he felt entitled to more. Even after I ended it - he came asking for more again and again until I quit my job to get away. I never ever want to be subjected to that again. I never want to lack such self-esteem and SELF-LOVE that I tolerate even a wiff of that ... no. Never again. I am on a personal quest to ensure ALL my future relationships celebrate who I am in the world, and not try to deminish it. I won't put myself into a situation again in which deminishing myself is PART OF THE DEAL.
TU.
Yep, you said it perfectly. All the things that they are attracted to about is, intimidates them over time.
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
YES YES YES AND MORE YES!!!
You know TU, I sure do love it when you post the long, thoughtful posts!!!! I REALLY LISTEN, READ SLOWLY AND LEARN when you write!!!
This makes me recall (and talking to Luvin earlier) the concept that my counselor tried to get me to APPROACH when I was contemplating how much to give / take in relationships...
SEEK MUTUALITY
He used this hand gesture where he (no not THAT one) hahhaa he had his hands LEVEL. held out in front of him - he said...that People pleasing relationships (as my a was especially towards the end)
thoughts?
I think this might be really useful for those of us past the earlier stages of ending and in need of looking more deeply toward unpacking and resolving some of these core issues.
Tu.
Pages