Welcome to Endings. Okay, what I am about to say you are not going to want to hear, but try to give it a listen (or read) anyway. ;-)
You've know this guy for 3 short months and met up only 8 times. If that were 8 days straight, then it would be just over a week. This is NOT love, my dear. This is infatuation, lust, newness, flattery from a younger man, etc. etc. You have allowed yourself to get caught up in this pseudo whirlwind fantasy and call it love. Sorry, darling. You couldn't be more wrong, but the A fog has you
Ok, you said ANY advice would be great, so I am chiming in with my two cents. Not trying to offend, just so you know. Just being real.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, " I'm an "NF" personality according to the Meyers Briggs, a true romantic, and so is AP. Love is sort of ...what I live for." EXACTLY! THIS is what drives most affairs. Yes, I've seen "The Notebook", and I can tell you without knowing either one of you, no, your affair has nothing whatsoever to do with that story. For several reasons. One is the obvious...it is fiction. A movie, complete with the Hollywood, fantasy, romance novel-type storyline. Real life is NEVER like that. Don't get sucked into that cloud in the sky. The other is that the characters in the movie did not start out as an affair, lying and betraying someone. They were young, highschool aged kids that dated and fell in love. Not someone married with a husband and young kids and an 8 years younger college student. Not that age has a whole lot to do with things, but the guy IS only 24. That's young. Probably even younger, because most guys mature slower than women do.
I would guess that most of us on here can make the claim that we "never felt the way I do" about our former APs at some point in the affair. It's easy to romanticize and paint everything in a glowing light when you don't spend that much time with someone, only see their "good" side, don't have to pick up after them or deal with their moods or get bored with them or anything else that comes from actually having a real relationship with someone. OF COURSE you're going to be all starry-eyed about someone you've only known for 3 months and seen only 8 times. And in order to see that person you've had to lie and sneak. THAT'S NOT REAL. Trust me, there is nothing truly romantic about having to fix your hair and clean yourself up after having lain down with another man in order to go home to your husband. There's nothing romantic about deeply wounding someone you love and, as you claim, have been happily married to for 8 years. There's nothing romantic about letting down your small children and risking their security and family. Trust me, you're not in love with this man. You're in deep infatuation and lust. True love has absolutely NOTHING to do with this mess you've gotten yourself in.
I suggest visualizing what the reality would be if you were to, say, leave your family for the college kid. Do you have any clue what goes into medical school? Any idea about how much dedication and willingness to forgo any kind of social life it takes to make it through? Believe me, once the smoke cleared, you would find yourself frustrated and lonely. If you think things with your husband were devoid of all things glittery this affair provides, just wait and see what happens when it fades. It will be like coming up from the storm cellar after a tornado has passed. Wreckage...that's what you'll see. Look, you love your husband. You have a family. You're 8 years older than this kid and in a COMPLETELY different lifespace than he is. Soulmate? God, you see that word tossed around on these affair boards like it's scripted. It's nauseating, truly. I don't say that to be rude, it's truly what I think. Because it's all such nonsense. Give yourself a break, give your husband a break, give your family a break and forget about Doogie. Believe me, you will survive and so will he.
Ok- I usually soften my advice and try not to come across as too harsh. Tough love is oftentimes hard for me to swallow even though it's what I need. But in your case, I think I just need to come right out and say it because you sound so similar to me.
1- You are NOT in love. You aren't. I am sorry. I've been in your shoes and know that it feels like love... it really does. It is all consuming and I get it. It feels like your heart will explode out of your chest when you see him or hear from him. And when you don't, you feel your heart breaking. It's an addiction... there's a thread in the healing library about it. Go down there and read it.
2- He is NOT your soulmate. You are in what we call the fog and you are unable to see reality. As Iddy pointed out, you've only seen him 8 times.... come on! I know what it's like to be a hopeless romantic. I fall in the same category on the myers briggs test. So I can relate to getting caught up and wanting the fantasy to be real. It isn't. You can be a hopeless romantic without losing sight of reality.
3- I've been M for about the same amt of time as you. I got caught up in a year-long A with
Thanks so much for this, Iddy. I really, really needed to hear this and be brought back down to reality. You are very wise. I'm going to come read your post daily until I can get through this pain.
Thank you, sillyme. You were not harsh, you are just telling me what I need to hear. I appreciate the long reply. You sound like you have been there...it really helps to hear someone who has gone through this and survived. Hope I can help someone like this one day.
(((If you stay here long enough, you will start to see that your story mirrors so many stories here. Your A is not special- and I resisted that for a very long time, but it's true. You are not two star crossed lovers scorned by circumstance. You are two people who made a terrible decision and many may get hurt in the wake. I urge you to end it, allow the fog to lift and then decide what is best for you.)))
Jane...wow. This is an amazing help to me. I really, really appreciate your taking the time to spell it out for me. I need someone to slap me or something. :) I will continue to read the posts on here, like you said...it seems special but I guess it's just not. Ouch.
Seriously, thanks. I'm going to read some of your other posts. I appreciate this.
Yes, I have been there. I lost my marriage over an affair. And my husband wasn't NEARLY as nice of a guy as yours sounds. Doesn't mean I didn't love him, though, and wish that things had been different. Biggest mistake of my life, and one that I regret even to this day, and my affair ended 5 years ago, so that's a lot of time to be making mistakes, KWIM?
I sincerely urge you to get out of this situation. Nothing but heartache can come of it.
Silly, Your post was amazing! I don't know your story. You said your A ended your marriage. Can you tell me more about you and what happened? Just curious. I could have used this post back in my early days of ending. My xap was also only 24 and in grad school. Anyway, you can email me if you'd rather @ stanfordnow@gmail.com Thanks, AAI
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Serenity,
Welcome to Endings. Okay, what I am about to say you are not going to want to hear, but try to give it a listen (or read) anyway. ;-)
You've know this guy for 3 short months and met up only 8 times. If that were 8 days straight, then it would be just over a week. This is NOT love, my dear. This is infatuation, lust, newness, flattery from a younger man, etc. etc. You have allowed yourself to get caught up in this pseudo whirlwind fantasy and call it love. Sorry, darling. You couldn't be more wrong, but the A fog has you
~Iddy~
Ok, you said ANY advice would be great, so I am chiming in with my two cents. Not trying to offend, just so you know. Just being real.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said, " I'm an "NF" personality according to the Meyers Briggs, a true romantic, and so is AP. Love is sort of ...what I live for." EXACTLY! THIS is what drives most affairs. Yes, I've seen "The Notebook", and I can tell you without knowing either one of you, no, your affair has nothing whatsoever to do with that story. For several reasons. One is the obvious...it is fiction. A movie, complete with the Hollywood, fantasy, romance novel-type storyline. Real life is NEVER like that. Don't get sucked into that cloud in the sky. The other is that the characters in the movie did not start out as an affair, lying and betraying someone. They were young, highschool aged kids that dated and fell in love. Not someone married with a husband and young kids and an 8 years younger college student. Not that age has a whole lot to do with things, but the guy IS only 24. That's young. Probably even younger, because most guys mature slower than women do.
I would guess that most of us on here can make the claim that we "never felt the way I do" about our former APs at some point in the affair. It's easy to romanticize and paint everything in a glowing light when you don't spend that much time with someone, only see their "good" side, don't have to pick up after them or deal with their moods or get bored with them or anything else that comes from actually having a real relationship with someone. OF COURSE you're going to be all starry-eyed about someone you've only known for 3 months and seen only 8 times. And in order to see that person you've had to lie and sneak. THAT'S NOT REAL. Trust me, there is nothing truly romantic about having to fix your hair and clean yourself up after having lain down with another man in order to go home to your husband. There's nothing romantic about deeply wounding someone you love and, as you claim, have been happily married to for 8 years. There's nothing romantic about letting down your small children and risking their security and family. Trust me, you're not in love with this man. You're in deep infatuation and lust. True love has absolutely NOTHING to do with this mess you've gotten yourself in.
I suggest visualizing what the reality would be if you were to, say, leave your family for the college kid. Do you have any clue what goes into medical school? Any idea about how much dedication and willingness to forgo any kind of social life it takes to make it through? Believe me, once the smoke cleared, you would find yourself frustrated and lonely. If you think things with your husband were devoid of all things glittery this affair provides, just wait and see what happens when it fades. It will be like coming up from the storm cellar after a tornado has passed. Wreckage...that's what you'll see. Look, you love your husband. You have a family. You're 8 years older than this kid and in a COMPLETELY different lifespace than he is. Soulmate? God, you see that word tossed around on these affair boards like it's scripted. It's nauseating, truly. I don't say that to be rude, it's truly what I think. Because it's all such nonsense. Give yourself a break, give your husband a break, give your family a break and forget about Doogie. Believe me, you will survive and so will he.
Hi Serenity-
Ok- I usually soften my advice and try not to come across as too harsh. Tough love is oftentimes hard for me to swallow even though it's what I need. But in your case, I think I just need to come right out and say it because you sound so similar to me.
1- You are NOT in love. You aren't. I am sorry. I've been in your shoes and know that it feels like love... it really does. It is all consuming and I get it. It feels like your heart will explode out of your chest when you see him or hear from him. And when you don't, you feel your heart breaking. It's an addiction... there's a thread in the healing library about it. Go down there and read it.
2- He is NOT your soulmate. You are in what we call the fog and you are unable to see reality. As Iddy pointed out, you've only seen him 8 times.... come on! I know what it's like to be a hopeless romantic. I fall in the same category on the myers briggs test. So I can relate to getting caught up and wanting the fantasy to be real. It isn't. You can be a hopeless romantic without losing sight of reality.
3- I've been M for about the same amt of time as you. I got caught up in a year-long A with
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
~~Serenity~~
Love is all you need.
~~Serenity~~
Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha
~~Serenity~~
Love is all you need.
~~Serenity~~
Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha
(((If you stay here long enough, you will start to see that your story mirrors so many stories here. Your A is not special- and I resisted that for a very long time, but it's true. You are not two star crossed lovers scorned by circumstance. You are two people who made a terrible decision and many may get hurt in the wake. I urge you to end it, allow the fog to lift and then decide what is best for you.)))
Jane...wow. This is an amazing help to me. I really, really appreciate your taking the time to spell it out for me. I need someone to slap me or something. :) I will continue to read the posts on here, like you said...it seems special but I guess it's just not. Ouch.
Seriously, thanks. I'm going to read some of your other posts. I appreciate this.
~~Serenity~~
Love is all you need.
~~Serenity~~
Better than a thousand hollow words is one word that brings peace. ---Buddha
Yes, I have been there. I lost my marriage over an affair. And my husband wasn't NEARLY as nice of a guy as yours sounds. Doesn't mean I didn't love him, though, and wish that things had been different. Biggest mistake of my life, and one that I regret even to this day, and my affair ended 5 years ago, so that's a lot of time to be making mistakes, KWIM?
I sincerely urge you to get out of this situation. Nothing but heartache can come of it.
Hi Serenity,
I've seen 'The Notebook' but the story can never be said that the same applies at your love story with your xap because only time can
Thanks, AAI
Jane,
Thanks for posting this. I really needed it today. :)
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