That "spark"

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Registered: 03-26-2003
That "spark"
11
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 3:39pm
I guess all the talk about if you can rekindle love in a marriage got me thinking, because it became my entire therapy session today... love and sex and being grateful or at least satisfied with what I have... or if it's possible to improve it.

We talked a lot today, and I cried a lot. I feel so guilty for NOT being happy with what I have... I want to want my H, I want to appreciate all the good things he is... why do I let things like sex get in the way of that? I feel guilty then, because I feel like I'm being ungrateful... but on the other hand why should I have to settle and not try to make my life better?

Obviously, in my case, our sex life is closely tied to my emotional connection to H and some anger issues I have towards him. But it also has a lot to do with resentment of what has not been a satisfying sex life EVER with him. And of course that XMM opened my eyes to the idea that I can enjoy sex and it's not all about MY failings... But of course XMM met ONLY my sexual needs and not really anything else... so why am I so stuck on this issue and unable to let it go...? Is this about me feeling like "nice girls don't" so I shouldn't be unhappy if my sex life sucks? I think that's part of it...

We talked about the idea of passion and "spark" and if it can last for a long time or does that always burn out eventually... And my therapist said that while it can mature and change, it does not have to die out. And that it can come back too... but there has to be honest communication (I sound like a textbook here, don't I?). She really wants me to try to get my H to seek professional help (a urologist) for his sexual issues - she says that there is no reason we can't find out if this is a simple physical issue that can be dealt with. And that could make a huge difference in our marriage if we both get more out of making love... and maybe I would want him more if I wasn't sure it would end in frustration for me...

I feel like, if I made a list of things I'd want in a partner, H would probably meet 8 or 9 out of 10. And there is not a great chance I'd ever find someone who would meet all 10... and the one or more that could be missing with someone else might be big ones like respect or fidelity (yes, I do see the irony in that). XMM would probably only meet one or 2 things on that list... and I do know that even though I miss him terribly.

So I'm still struggling with "is this all there is?" and "am I happy enough" (NO - not now) or more importantly at this point "can I GET happy enough?" What do I need to do to get things to "good enough" - not perfect because there is no such thing, but I do have the power to try to make things better. And I need to figure out, eventually, whether "happy enough" is possible with H... or not. Not ready to give up yet... but do you ever wish you at least could know if the effort is going to be worth it? I wish I could look into the future and know that IF I give it my all, truly work hard on our marriage, that I will love him enough and be happy enough in the end... I know that's not possible, and the not knowing scares me a lot. But nothing can change that part... I just have to go on faith here...

Glinda

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 4:18pm
Oh You! I could go on and on here but, I'm not going to. I've had a migraine and just am not up to par. The point is that yes, you can get all these things back into your marriage! It's going to take some work though! The thing about an affair is that it all seems so magical and easy in the beginning but look how much work you did to sneak around seeing him? And as time goes by you end up wanting all the feelings and not just the sex! It's a case of the grass is always greener on the other side! Fact is if you feed, water, and weed your own grass you'll be so proud of yours that you won't need to go to the fence and look at the neighbors with envy. It's hard work! I know that very well indeed! There are many ways for your husband to satisfy you without the actual act. Is he willing to do what it takes? Are you willing to ask? Personally, I am the one who messed up a lot of what is wrong in my marriage a long time ago! I'm not at fault for everything but, I own my fair share!

I do wish you luck! Some of this is extremely personal for me but, you know where to find me and if I can be of any help I'd be happy to! It's just a too much to share with the world!

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 4:53pm
Glinda,

I know what you are experiencing. For me, I had NO IDEA what I was missing until I met MM. Along with being just plain incredible in that department, he just allowed me to experience alot of things I was not able to experience with H for many reasons. It sounds like maybe this is the case for you too. And now that we've experienced it, how are we supposed to go back!

I've talked a little with my therapist about this too, and for me there are two parts to it. One is not feeling comfortable, open, or honest enough with my H to get what I want. That is going to take a long time and alot is going to happen in order for that to be different. The second half is that my H is either just not interested or just doesn't know what he's doing! That part may never change.

From reading some of your posts, I gather that you went alot of years being married to this man, and that this part of your M was always this way. Did it bother you before? Or did you just ignore it and tell yourself it was unimportant? Do you think, knowing what you know now, that you can go back to the way things were?

I don't think its realistic to expect to have at home what you had with MM. But I do think its realistic to have find a way to have a relationship with your H that works for both of you. That's my ultimate goal, but right now I have a very long way to go.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 4:54pm
I am not sure why I get drawn in but after reading your post and thinking a bit I find myself forced to respond. 1. Tell me if the situation was reversed how would you feel, I mean would your H think of you at 8 or 9? Of course the poor bloke doesn't know about your A. 2. If he did would he think it was worth the effort to rebuild withyou when you don't even like to kiss the poor chap? 3. How can he rebuild when he doesn't have all the cards? 4. Speaking of physical issues have you thought of STD's, you've said the OM is a player, and the fact you might have exposed your H to something. 5. Let me understand, your H is good for at least 8 or 9 positives, at least one of which you fall down on yourself, whether or not he knows it, while your OM might be good for 2 and you still miss the guy? I really don't mean to be hard on you I really don't but I think you're being more than unfair.
Avatar for crystal_clr
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 5:28pm
Toimon-

Not speaking for Glinda, but for myself, which is a very similar situation. I KNOW I'm being unfair and ungrateful for what I have. That is the worst part - living with the realization that most women would be thrilled to have my life, so what is wrong with me that I'm not happy and had to go out and have an affair? Why can't I look at the positives in this man and feel satisfied instead of wanting a man that really didn't treat me that great and who I can never really have a future with? Yes, I could 'set my husband free' although thats not what he wants and believe me I'm sure he knows somethings up with us - I haven't had sex with him since the summer. He wants us to stay together - we don't really fight. We have a good family life. I'm trying. You tell me, what more can I do. I can't force myself to suddenly be attracted to H - if I could I would. I can offer him my attempt at working on our marriage again and trying to rebuild. Don't you think thats a good thing?

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 5:43pm
Crystal, I am hardly in a position to be giving advice, my thinking is not too clear. In fact I think it's best maybe if I stay away from this board, others have suggested it and they are right. I read these postings and they tear me up, and I am not sure my presence is any help. As to your situation I truly wish you the best. The only though I can leave you with is this, try to remember why you married in the first place what thoughts ran through your mind when your new H kissed you for the very first time as your H. If you ever truly loved each other then then I believe that love must still be there somewhere, look for that, peace.
Avatar for crystal_clr
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 5:43pm
Glinda-

There was a very good post a week or so ago on the BS board regarding our society and why people cheat. It talked about it being a throw away society where no one fixes what is broken, they just go buy a better one. No one is happy with what they have, they always want more and better. This all seems to trickle into our relationships. Nobody knows much about maintenance anymore. How do we maintain a happy marriage? How do we fix what's broken instead of replacing it?

I used to not understand my OM because he'd talk about wanting us to be together, and I did too, as I felt the love was gone from my marriage. He claimed he still loved his wife - I was just more. Better looking, better sex, smarter, funnier... But what he was forgetting (and I told him this) was that he has memories with her - history, children, mutual friends - those things can't be relaced so easily. They enrich your life. They are worth something. Its ironic that I seemed to have less left of my marriage and I ended up being the one that couldn't decide to leave. I think its because I valued obligation and commitment and the happiness of others more than he did and to me it tipped the scale. I could also see he was a real 'me' person and if 'he' didn't get his way, he's turn his back on you as quick as could be - compromise wasn't in his vocabulary. Those are important qualities.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but I've written it now, so why erase...As for the spark, it is hard to go without it - especially when it so fresh in our memories although with someone else. I don't know if it can come back for us, it was never that strong, but if I look at the big picture perhaps I'll trade the spark for good old fashioned happiness and knowing I did the right thing. To me, I'm doing the right thing - isn't that the best you can do? Reminds me again of a mass I was at recently where the priest said - you know the recipe for being a good person - the question is do you follow it? Glinda, you know the right thing to do, follow the recipe and you will be proud of yourself.

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 8:04pm
Hi DTE,

You asked me >> From reading some of your posts, I gather that you went alot of years being married to this man, and that this part of your M was always this way. Did it bother you before? Or did you just ignore it and tell yourself it was unimportant? Do you think, knowing what you know now, that you can go back to the way things were? <<

I have been with my H since I was 17, we were both virgins when we met... It was ALWAYS this way. I just never knew any different, and after a while I figured that either everyone who talked about great sex was just exaggerating or else there was something wrong with ME that I didn't enjoy it... I told myself that sex fades for everyone and I honestly felt that if my H had said "I love you but I just don't ever want to have sex again" I'd have been perfectly fine with that. I allowed that part of me to die - I actually worked to kill that part of me, so it wouldn't haunt me. XMM woke that up, brought me to life sexually in a way I never knew possible. I found out it wasn't anything wrong with ME.

I don't know if I can go back... therapist and I talked about this exact thing - that right now, on a scale of 1-10, my sex life is about a 2 or 3 with H (yes, it could be worse). It was about a 9 with XMM (I'd say 10 but he didn't love me so I take off a point for that). She said that it is probably unrealistic to try to hit that 9 or 10 with H BUT - that if we can get to a 6 or 7 - which could happen - find a way for it to be better and more satisfying for BOTH of us, even if it doesn't hit those incredible EMA highs - that I could perhaps be ok with that and even happy with it. I think, I hope, that she's right... Now to GET there...

Good luck to you too... we both have our work cut out but it's not impossible...

Glinda

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 8:13pm
Ok Toimon, I'll try to answer your questions...

1. Tell me if the situation was reversed how would you feel, I mean would your H think of you at 8 or 9? Of course the poor bloke doesn't know about your A.

I don't know if he'd think me an 8 or 9, but I don't think he's anywhere near as dissatisfied sexually as I am. He hardly thinks I'm perfect, and no, he doesn't know about the A, but I don't think he sees any major problem with our sex life.

2. If he did would he think it was worth the effort to rebuild with you when you don't even like to kiss the poor chap?

If he knew about the A??? I don't know if he would think it was worth the effort. I can't speak for him. I would hope so, but there are no guarantees... And I think you are being a bit harsh about the kissing - there are a lot of issues here that go into it, and it's not like I just turn my head away and refuse to let him near me. Hardly the case at all... I just wish I had more desire for him and I don't know how to get that desire.

3. How can he rebuild when he doesn't have all the cards? I don't know.

4. Speaking of physical issues have you thought of STD's, you've said the OM is a player, and the fact you might have exposed your H to something.

YES I have thought of that. We did use protection AND in addition - when it ended, I went to a clinic and had testing done for STD's. I would not knowingly risk my H's (or my) health. I made a HUGE mistake, but I at least tried to be responsible in some aspects.

5. Let me understand, your H is good for at least 8 or 9 positives, at least one of which you fall down on yourself, whether or not he knows it, while your OM might be good for 2 and you still miss the guy? I really don't mean to be hard on you I really don't but I think you're being more than unfair.

I agree - I am being unfair. I LOGICALLY see all of that... I just want my heart to follow my head in this matter, and that is hard. I miss him - I'm sorry but I do. Not enough to go back to him, and believe me - I have posted about this - he has tried. I have NOT gone back, I will not go back. But my feelings are MINE and I'm doing the best I can to fix my life. XMM is NOT worthy of my love and he never was, but I loved him all the same. I know I did wrong. I'm just trying to heal and fix what I can fix without doing more damage in the process...

Thanks for replying to my post...

Glinda

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 8:21pm
Thank you Crystal for a very helpful reply. You are right - our entire society tends to replace rather than repair things... including marriages. There's a reason our overall divorce rate is so high.

I AM trying now to do the right thing. I didn't do that when I let the XMM into my life, and I can't turn back time, no matter how much I wish I could go back and shut that door before it turned into an EMA. But I'm trying to get something good out of this - some experience and insight and knowledge to take forward and make the rest of my marriage something that I won't stray from for ANY reason.

I have thought of what you said - the memories and friends and shared history I have with H. For me, the idea of that came up when we spoke on the board about triggers - things that make us suddenly yearn for our XMM. And I thought - if I did run off with XMM (if he had wanted that), wouldn't those songs on the radio that I loved with my H hit me hard and make me sad? Wouldn't there be even MORE triggers and reminders of the long history I've shared with my H that I gave up for this new man? Just something I've pondered...

I am not proud of what I did, but at least I can try to reclaim the person I USED to be - someone I used to feel proud of... someone who did have her values straight once upon a time... I'm working hard to get back there. I'm glad you're here to share the journey with me...

Glinda

Avatar for raspberrykat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 11:29pm
Hi Glinda

My therapist and I talked about happiness. She said that happiness also has it's up and downs. A person can not expect to happy all the time, there will be sad days from time to time. She did say I can expect contentment in my life and that is what I am seeking now. As for the sex..... oh damn I miss good sex ...... after reading a lot of posts today, I am going to take responsibility for my sex life. The last time H & I did have sex, I guided his hand to where I wanted to be touched, and told him yes or no .... that is one of the good things I can take out of the A ..... I learned a lot about making love.... not just about sex .... there is a difference, I think anyway. Mostly what I want is the love .... and has to come from both people.

It does take a lot of work and time .... time to heal....time to breath on our own.....

I don't think you need to feel guilty for not being greatful for what you have, what you have is not what you want at this time .... does that make any sense?

My mind is just so tired now .... all these thoughts swirling in my head, I don't know if I was any help at all .... LOL .... just wanted to post back to you, we do seem to have a lot in common ....

*hugs* to you ...take care

K

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