Splitting from husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2012
Splitting from husband?
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 1:05pm
I have posted before (yes I should change my negative sounding name I know!). Briefly, i am married, had an A with work colleague also 'married' for around a year. Had a variety of ddays. XAP decided he would not leave W & family. Not sure when to start counting from, March was DDay, XAP finally decided beginning of May that we wasn't going anywhere. My H has done everything he could to forgive me, gone to MC, taken me to doctors, talked for hours, organised fun stuff for us to do etc. he is a good guy & prior to the A we had no real problems which kind of makes me feel different to others with their stories of how their Hs were perhaps a reason they were so open to the A.

Slowly, slowly I have begun to feel better, ie not crying all the time about Xap & accepting that it's over etc. But the main problem now for me is that although H & I can get along, spend time together & even have fun, I have absolutely no 'romantic' feelings for him in the slightest & we have had no pjysical relationship at all, because I just don't feel that way about him anymore even though I have tried. This hasn't changed and it makes me feel very down as I don't want to live a life without physical affection & I'm too young for just having a companion!

We have talked about separating due to this. I am just frightened of being alone or having to start all over again at my age. Has this happened to anyone else, tht they've left a perfectly decent partner post affair because they just stopped having those kind of feelings for them? I read of people working at their M or faking it until they feel it, but even the MC said it has to come from the heart and mine just doesn't seem to have that kind of love in it for him any more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 2:04pm

Hi Kate

When I see statements such as 'he would marry TOMORROW'...I have to think that it is this kind of thinking that can keep us trapped in the affair fog.  If only we we weren't married...if only there were no children...if only we had met sooner...if only Jupiter hadn't aligned with Mars...

And I wonder too what the response would REALLY be if his words were actually challenged and put to the test...that when push came to shove, every line in the Married Man's Handbook would come into play.

What are all those 'if onlys'

"He would marry me tomorrow if only....."

I'm not trying to put you in the hot seat, but I'm hoping you will see this as just the normal fantasy chatter that comes with the territory.  We have a "Married Man's Handbook" thread in the Healing Library.  I'll bet you will see that his chatter was just fantasy chatter to keep the affair float and the feelgoods flowing.

Edited to say that this post posted before I was ready...apparently hit a wrong key. I want to tell MU to please excuse the hijack...and while I was here anyway, I fixed a sentence.  It's alwayyys somethin'.



Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Wed, 08-29-2012 - 10:28pm
This isn't advice. Just an observation. People leave their marriages all the time, if statistics are anything to be believed, without ever having had an affair.

There was a thread here several months ago about the point of an affair. I'll see if I can find it. One of the points raised is that affairs serve to create distance between married couples. I seem to recall it was a controversial statement at the time but anyone who has struggled with intimacy with their partner after an affair, felt distant, like they have nothing in common with their spouse may see some truth in the statement.

So, having had the affair, you may need to keep working at rebuilding what the affair tore down. Does that mean you will never part ways with your husband? No crystal ball here. I just know you owe it to yourself to give it time and effort, to mae sure you've done all you can to repair the damage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Fri, 08-31-2012 - 8:48am

I agree that "he would marry me tomorrow" is A fog talk. I will bet the farm that if you challenged him he would still stay with his W. Having had a variety of DDays, why hasn't he left already? I actually had a short three month A during my first M and left. I have been M to my xap for a very long time and I can honestly tell you that life isn't always that fantasy world you have while you are in an A. Real life takes over and you have to constantly build and rebuild your M and yourself. If you do seperate from your H don't ever allow yourself to be hidden or second in another woman's M. Make sure you don't settle for being anyone's OW ever again. It's a very sad role and great s*x can be had by a man who doesn't just talk the talk but who shows you with his actions.