In A Spot!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2005
In A Spot!
7
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 12:14pm
Well heres my situation. I have been married for 10 years. Most of the years decent, but we have definitely had 'issues'. He has been on the verge of leaving 3-4 times. Anyway, a couple of months ago I started car pooling with my good friends husband (*Michael*). We go to church with this couple, get together on weekends, we are all good friends with one another. Well me and my husband had a 'tiff' and he had all his stuff packed up to leave. We worked it out, but I happened to share this with Michael and the conversation opened the door for personal (marriage stuff) conversation between the two of us. Well time went by and we continued to ride together, see each other at church, go out to dinner as a group, and then I got a new job. I would no longer be riding with Michael. The last day that we were riding together he told me that he didn't know how that it had happened, but that he had fallen in love with me. This surprised me, because I too had feelings for him but in no way thought that they were returned. This knowledge kinda 'excited' the two of us and we started an affair. Something new and first time for the both of us. Since then, (about 3-4 weeks) he has initiated a separation with his wife and I have had conversations concerning divorce with my husband. Out of the blue both of our spouses have turned over new leafs. She is giving him the attention that he has always wanted and treating him now the way that she did when they were first married. She doesn't want their marriage to end. My husband is pretty much doing the same thing. Offering things that I have always wanted. To stay at home and have another child. He says we can make this work. Michael has told me that he wants a life with me, that I make him happy. If there is no future for the two of us, he will stay in his marriage and just continue on and be 'unhappy' as he has for the past several years. I love Michael, in a way that I have never felt for my husband. I think about him all the time and I want to spend all my time with him. My problem..... I don't want to be the 'reason' that Michael ends his marriage. I don't want to be the reason that he has to change churches, that he might loose some of his friends, that he won't see his kids every night... I also keep thinking how 'easy' it would be to go along with these new 'plans' that my husband has come up with. How we wouldn't be hurting anyone this way. No one knows about our relationship right now, but when the two of us are free from our marriages and do get together, because we have all been good friends, its going to be very hard. I don't know what to do. He has told me that if I decided that I wanted to remain in my marriage to just let him know, he said that he would be hurt by it, but that he would accept and understand. I don't want to stay in my marriage but I'm afraid of all of the grief that is going to happen with the two of us getting together...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2005
In reply to: fanceefish
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 1:01pm

The grief and shame that will come if the two of you get together, will be immense. My OM and I experienced it first hand. Our A had been going on about 10months until he and I decided, that we would throw all caution to the wind, and make our relationship public. We both felt it was only right to tell our spouses first. However, both were already sort of "on" to us. Once that happened, all hell broke loose. My OM and I finalized our divorces approx 3months apart. Both our spouses denied us having access to our children especially in the beginning. Each of our spouses, had verbage in the divorce petitions that our children not be allowed to be in the presence of either of us, together. And so on and so forth. But as time passed, both our former spouses have gradually let their guards down - somewhat. Things are much easier now, but it still is no cake walk.

It's funny that you mentioned "church" - once we went public, we had to discontinue attending. We have not resolved that part of our lives yet. But we are working on it. Our faith means alot to us, however, I have very mixed emotions about it. I am not ashamed of "us". I honestly thank God, that I have this special as part of my life. However, the way we came to be, is not the ideal scenario.(Especially, in the eyes of the church.)

Jazzy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
In reply to: fanceefish
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 4:47pm

Okay you go to church. So that means you are aware that satan is blinding the eyes of the unbelievers. That in itself should be enough to stop you. One of the greatests sins is adultery.

As a person, whose husband has just cheated on her, I'm here to tell you that it is painful. So on top of cheating and committing one of the 10 commandments you are hurting the innocent wife and the children. You need to THINK how would YOU feel if your husband was the one cheating on YOU? You need to also remember that we reap what we sow.

"The last day that we were riding together he told me that he didn't know how that it had happened, but that he had fallen in love with me."

Well, does he REALLY know you. No one knows anyone until they have lived with them.
Being around someone every day and LIVING with them is entirely different. And anything that is new is going to ALWAYS be exciting-after all it is new. I had an affair with a mm a few years ago. It was all that it is for you and I never ONCE thought about his wife.
It was wrong. It IS wrong.

This surprised me, because I too had feelings for him but in no way thought that they were returned. This knowledge kinda 'excited' the two of us and we started an affair. Something new and first time for the both of us. Since then, (about 3-4 weeks) he has initiated a separation with his wife and I have had conversations concerning divorce with my husband. Out of the blue both of our spouses have turned over new leafs. She is giving him the attention that he has always wanted and treating him now the way that she did when they were first married. She doesn't want their marriage to end.

Because SHE loves her husband. She doesn't want to lose him. They said vows to EACH other BEFORE God.

My husband is pretty much doing the same thing. Offering things that I have always wanted. To stay at home and have another child. He says we can make this work. Michael has told me that he wants a life with me, that I make him happy. If there is no future for the two of us, he will stay in his marriage and just continue on and be 'unhappy' as he has for the past several years. I love Michael, in a way that I have never felt for my husband. I think about him all the time and I want to spend all my time with him.

Okay the reason you think and want him all the time is because he unattainable. You want what you can't have.

My problem..... I don't want to be the 'reason' that Michael ends his marriage. I don't want to be the reason that he has to change churches, that he might loose some of his friends, that he won't see his kids every night...

Well YOU will be the reason that his marriage ends. It takes two. You willingly had an affair with a mm and also threw your own vows out the window. That should be the least thing you are worried about is him losing his friends, how about being judged by God, how about going to church KNOWING that you committed adultery. It's good you are thinking these things, it's God holy spirit telling you that it's wrong and you know in your heart that this is wrong.

I also keep thinking how 'easy' it would be to go along with these new 'plans' that my husband has come up with. How we wouldn't be hurting anyone this way. No one knows about our relationship right now, but when the two of us are free from our marriages and do get together, because we have all been good friends, its going to be very hard.

Some times doing the "right" thing is hard. You have two options....leave your h and go with your friend the married man and when things don't work out, and the fantasy is over and "real" life sinks in see how happy you are OR work on your marriage, repent and be BLESSED!

I don't know what to do. He has told me that if I decided that I wanted to remain in my marriage to just let him know, he said that he would be hurt by it, but that he would accept and understand.

Hmm not that much in love. I guess if it was that INTENSE love, he would proclaim to everyone and he would NOT accept and understand. You also need to understand that for men they equate love with sex.

I don't want to stay in my marriage but I'm afraid of all of the grief that is going to happen with the two of us getting together...

You have no idea of the grief that will happen to you and everyone involved. You are being selfish and your thoughts are all about YOU.

Just being honest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: fanceefish
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 7:38pm

Fish

You and the CHEATING MARRIED MAN have about a 5 percent chance of lasting 1 year in a open honest above board relationship were your are together in a REAL 24/7 situation.

Your both living a fantasy right now not grounded in a genunine understanding of who the other really is.

One of the facts of life were it comes to affairs is most of these men talk talk talk about leaving the WIFE but very very few ever really follow through on it and many that do end up going back to there wife and family with in weeks of leaving.

STEP BACK FROM THIS TRAIN WRECK your making of your life before it is to late.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2005
In reply to: fanceefish
Thu, 06-02-2005 - 12:37pm

I totally agree but your email came to me and I'm not fish..I just added my opinion like you.

We need to wake these people UP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
In reply to: fanceefish
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 9:59am

Your husband has threatened to leave on a number of occassions. This, all before your A started.

I would suggest either MC or separation and MC. There are obviously problems with your marriage. Your husband felt the power shift when you told HIM you were unhappy. The runner became the chaser. No matter A or not, you both need some fixing, repair/rebuild, or repair/stabilize to separate.

I would leave the OM out of this. Perhaps you just may find yourself out on your own and free to be with him if he does the same. Above board fresh start dating will be the only way to go for all. Heal and stabilize yourself. You may find yourself staying in your marriage for find that this marriage is on the rocks with MC. Don't add the OM in the equation. You will always be left wondering if you do...if it was the marriage and husband or the safety net of another man.

Tell your OM that you are not abandoning him and that it wasnt (edited because i original typed "was") wasn't a fling because I really gather from your words that this is not the case (not so in all posts i read). You seem to be thinking this out. But you need to do this with no safety net and no promises of results. If you and your OM are church goin' folks both of you have a foundation of wanting the better good. Do this without promises to anyone. Its hard when you have the affair chemicals flowing through you. You don't have to bust up forever or hurt each other to find out how you both got to a place of infedility.

But both of you need to find your OWN way to some stabilization. His set of quandry is a lil different...he is thinking he needs to leave because of another woman. You are thinking of how your marriage is a constant state of up/down, in/out. Your husband and you have shown that you have poor conflict resolution with each other. No mention as to why he is always threatening to leave. That could be very telling in Marriage Counseling ok?

my 2.5 cents,
Lizzie




Edited 6/5/2005 11:58 am ET ET by lizzie1965
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
In reply to: fanceefish
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 11:17am

-- Lizzie --

I totally agree with you.

-- Fish --

You need to focus on your marital problems without MM's influence. NC is the best. Whatever decision you make, will only for your best. If your love with MM is real, this is the test. If you both decide to have divorce, you both leave not because of your affair.

And this is coming from me, a BS. I'd rather my H leaves me if he doesn't love me anymore. I won't hold grudge on him for not loving me anymore. However, if him leaving is somehow involved another woman, that would be really terrible. I would be really angry at his cowardice. And it might be difficult to maintain an amicable relationship afterwards, at least at the beginning.

And I hope that's also the mindset of your respective spouse. If you do really love each other, I would hate to stand in the way. But you all can have the love of your life, without adding unncessary pain to the innocent party involved. Being lied, deceived, etc etc that involved in an affair is the killer. It almost cost me my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
In reply to: fanceefish
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 1:55pm

Hi Fish:

My A situation was somewhat different from yours so I cannot give you my personal accout, but immediately after I began my A, my best friend also began an a. Unlike myself, she divorced her H of ten years and six months later married the AP. They have been married 2 years this month and she is absolutely miserable and realizes she made a terrible mistake. The current H is not the man at all that she thought him to be during the A. She has ruined herself financially due to the new marriage and at present can't financially afford to even get a divorce, and she has learned that being with someone 24-7 is much different than just the exciting fun of the A even though she truly thought she loved him at the time. This is a true life account I felt I should share with you.

You have received a lot of very good sound advice regarding your situation, the best being, I think, to not give up on your marriage and go straight into a relationship/new marriage with Michael. I would agree with other posters that marriage counseling would be a good try because you and your H do seem to have issues to be worked out, other than the current A, and if your marriage doesn't work then, you will know you gave it every chance.

It is true also that right now you have a chemical reaction going in your system which boosts that excitement of having someone new. Believe me, that will fade and reality will set in. I will also add that my friend's disasterous divorce and new marriage did not involve children on either side. Only adults were affected and it was still very painful and the outcome has not been a happy one. She freely admits now that she wishes she had tried counseling or anything to keep her marriage together.

Good luck to you. I know you are in mental anguish, but please listen to some of us here. Lots of good listeners and good advice. Keep posting and be wise.

IP