The stare down

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
The stare down
3
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 2:56pm

Well, I listened to everyones advice from my last posts.
After speaking with him last Monday evening.............I guess he wanted me to think that he spent every morning and evening pining over me...missing me....stuck and unhappy.

I thought about all he said.
I started to get pissed off after reading all the posts that came to me regarding my plea for advice.
Whatever the reason he is too cowardly to file or "doing things this way".....I dont care anymore. (OK I do.....but I will not be taken for granted, and I will not be made a fool of any longer).

my H and I had the New Years Eve party......our friend who originally was having it got a virus and had to cancel.........so my H volunteered our home (I was not pleased at all!!!)
Everyone came - xMM and his W were the last ones to get there because they went out for dinner first.....ummmmmmmm sounds cozy huh!!
When he walked in the door he looked right at me....and gave me what I now call the puppy smile....
I did not smile.
In fact, I went and sat on the couch and talked with another friend....then xMM came and sat by me and asked for a shot (we used to do shots of tequila and limeade - it was our little weekend fun......)
I poured the shot and placed it on the table in front of him.......and handed him the lemonade..........he said "Lemonade??" and I said "ya, Odwalla stopped making the limeade for now".......and he asked if it was just a summer thing....
I turned to him and looked him dead in the eye and said "Yes, just a summer thing". I got up and went into the kitchen.

I saw him looking at me a few times after that for the first hour - and I just looked at him with no smile and would look away.

At midnight.......my H and I were no where near eachother.
I got no hug or kiss.
But I did see xMM give a little hug and a small quick peck to his W.
If I got that kind of a hug and peck from anyone I cared about I would not have been happy. But thats not the point.
the point was that my H and I are getting a divorce - and even though we are friends, we still did not hug and kiss on New Years Eve. xMM did, regardless of how unloving it seemed...........it was loving enough in my eyes.

I hate him -
And I think he knows it.
I would be very very surprised if he ever called me again. I can almost bet he wont.
I bet he has not even thought about the fact that I refused to smile at him.....maybe he knows I think that he is a lier??? maybe he just realized that his cake, is gone now.

Maybe I blew it???
part of me really wants to believe him..........but I guess that is what we all wanted at one point right? I am sure that he has (had...I really gave him no indication that I was happy to see him) feelings and emotions for me.....but he made a decision, and until he files.......I have no reason to believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

Yesterday was football day: I was not home when they guys came to get my H.
I am pretty sure that he is done with me.............
was done with me 2 months ago.

Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: annakarena
Mon, 01-03-2005 - 8:28pm

Anna

"Maybe I blew it???" NO YOU DID NOT, IT'S TIME FOR HIM TO PUT UP OR SHUT UP.

"until he files.......I have no reason to believe anything that comes out of his mouth." You got that right sister.

""Yesterday was football day: I was not home when they guys came to get my H.
I am pretty sure that he is done with me.............
was done with me 2 months ago."" Who do you mean your husband, are you having second thoughts???

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
In reply to: annakarena
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 12:26pm

Hi Free,

No, no second thoughts about not ending my marriage. My H and I are friends......and we have been nothing but roommates for the past year and a half (my A only began in June 2004 and ended at the end of Oct. 2004).

I guess I just feel bad for the non expressional look (short stare) that I gave each time I looked up and saw him looking at me. Of course because I was not smiling at him like I did on Christmas eve, he knew that I had had enough of the confusion and that I was not happy with scraps anymore.
Our last phone conversaion last week on Monday night was caring - we showed concern for eachothers situation.......and then of course was the "I miss you, I think about you all the time...etc" from him.
I just dont believe him anymore...........you dont go to Hawaii with you wife and mother inlaw when you are trying or talking about divorce. AND you dont hug and kiss eachother on New Years if you are talking about divorce - no matter how short a hug or small a peck........

Saying that I hurt is not a true statement anymore. I feel annihilated......broken.

I know that he has true feelings for me - I know he wants a relationship with me - just not an A.
But he is to much a coward and too weak to step up and do things for himself......
And I have to take that into account........DO I REALLY WANT that for my own one day?
NO -
I want the man who took a stand and moved out - went to councling with his W and told her and the therapyst that he wanted a divorce. I want the man who did everything possible for us to be together.........lived together for 3 months.

All I know is - my statement about blowing it...............Maybe I should have shown a bit more grace - not alot of smiling but at least one "hello smile" and then went on my way to being a hostess and not paying any attention to him.
Not glaring.......
But really, if he cant understand why I feel the way I do and why I might been pissed and not smiling at him - then he really doesn't care.
Yes he has to put up or shut up.....but what if he is trying in his own way.......
I will not call
I will not see him until we have filed (if that ever happens for him)
But he told me that he has been doing what he can in his own way - and he knows that I dont understand........what the hell does that mean anyway??

I think that he has lied of course.
But if he is a cake eater and a fence sitter - how come he calls only once in awhile in the past 2 months? He talks about the things he thinks about (about me and us), he says he misses me...how he battles with himself on calling me when he is at the house he is working on and wishes that he had the courage to call me and have me come over......how part of him does want the A again....
BUt he will not see me alone because he is scared (???)

Are the calls just to keep me from slipping too far away?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: annakarena
Tue, 01-04-2005 - 7:35pm

Anna

I my opinion there is only one way to put up or shut up, FILE FOR DIVORCE PACK YOUR BAGS AND LEAVE YOUR SPOUSE, what other way is there ???

In the real world we live in today a divorce is next to impossible to stop if one spouse wants out the other can't stop it from happening, the courts pretty much just rubber stamp them in most cases, if he wanted out or had the GUTS to to file it could all be over in a few months, so sorry I thinks he is B/Ss you or is a coward.

Don't start second gessing yourself, in most cases our first Decisions are our best Decisions, stick to your guns.

Last but not least if a woman does not RESPECT the man she is with I don't believe she can ever realy be happy with him and right now he has done nothing to earn your respect has he.

JMHO

Free