Started the NC today HELP!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Started the NC today HELP!!!
7
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 10:09pm
How do I do this???
HE loves me, HE moved out 8 weeks ago, 5 weeks ago he told me he misses the kids so much he wants to reconcile with W. He said it is her call now, he wants to see me, but if she calls him to reconcile he will immediately stop seeing me and start the reconciliation process. He says he understands if I can't see him, he loves me and hates that he is hurting me, but needs to do this to see if there is anyway he can be with his kids 24/7.
I am hurting so much that I can't see straight. No contact is the right thing, Right???
He would like to still email to "support" each other during this difficult time. She may not want to reconcile, or it may not work out between them. He wants to make sure we are still communicating to "preserve" our relationship. (if it doesn't work out between he and W) Should I let him email?? I don't want to shut him off, because I really think it won't work out with W. HOW DESPERATE DO I SOUND!!!! I love him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 10:57pm

ahopefulfuture

So he wants to keep you on a string just in case things don't work out with the little woman, my my what LOVE, he wants a soft place to land if things don't work out the way he wants, and the way he wants is to be living with his WIFE and family and to keep having you on the side, any man that really wants to make a go of his marriage is not going to keep the OW in the wings and spend time and energy keeping that relationship going.

Bottom line is either you need to be FIRST CHOISE as the woman he wants to be with or he needs to be gone all the way gone, what he is trying to do to you is totally unfair/ un-manly garbage.

I will tell you something you may have heard before, TELL HIM IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS NOT TO CONTACT YOU AGAIN UNTIL HE CAN PUT A DIVORCE DECREE IN YOUR HAND, until then TOTAL NO CONTACT.

The ONLY hope you have of ever getting him on a full time basis is to force him off the fence, play his game and were you are now is were your staying for YEARS TO COME.

I sure your looking for some HUGS and kisses and you will get lots of them from our fellow posters, I am going to tell you what I think will help you have that hopefull future.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:07pm
Free,
I almost have to chuckle, mostly at myself. I read your replies to people's posts and I totally agree with everything you say. You tell it as you see it and I think that is great. So why is it that when I post something and you reply with what I'm sure is very good and true insight, I just think, "well, she doesn't know my situation. Mine's different." It's so hard, when you're in the middle of a situation to believe the truth, when people like you can see it so clearly, and probably wonder, "What the h3ll is she thinking." UGGG!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:10pm

Dear ahopeful:

I can feel your pain and I have been there before. I just reread my diary from one year ago and I cried remembering how I was beaten down to the ground by the A--then I left my M and I was so SCARED and XMM left me--at which point I almost died from the pain. Oh how it hurt. And he would come around over the year and say don't let go, bear with me, we will be together "someday"

But someday never comes

I am so sorry for your pain.

God I can feel it again. But I can tell you that over time it heals some.

I came to the realization right away and I know it is still true IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I DO whether I continued with an affair, whether I stopped all contact, HE STILL WOULD NEVER BE MINE

You have done everything you can do and not one of your actions can change HIM or make him CHOOSE YOU.

Please choose for yourself the right thing for you to do for a life with or without him.

Survive

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:19pm

Pal

It is one he$$ of a lot easier to give advice then to take it, I am walking evidence of that.

Affairs are all DIFFERENT when your in one but there all the same when your not looking at them through a emotional FOG BANK.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:19pm
Thank you!!
I am brand new to message boards in general, I have NO ONE I can talk to about this. That is the worst part of the A, I can't show my hurt, and when I do people assume it is about my H (we are separating over the A) MM convinced me we had a future together, encouraged me to get a D. MM moved out of his house, kept every promise, until he missed his kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 6:46am

Hi,

There is a poster that comes here once in a while called "Fulovlove" who went through the exact same thing you are facing now. Try to find some of her posts in the archives and hopefully she will sign on and see your story. Her MM was with her for a while too, and went back home for the sake of his son (maybe kids?) and now she is patiently waiting for him to file for that divorce that hasn't happened yet. I think it's been months.....whatever, she has gone the NC, I think, although I think they still communicate once in a while. Her story rips at my heart because I, quite frankly, think she is living in a pipe dream, but then again I am not one to poo-poo a love story with a Happy Ending. My only analysis of all of this comes down to one thought:

IF HE LEFT HIS WIFE/KIDS TO BE WITH YOU, HE WILL SOMEDAY LEAVE YOU TOO.

Just keep that in mind honey. Their intentions may sound sincere but it's their actions that back it up. First he left his kids to be with you. Now he is leaving you to be with the kids. You don't need to be a mathmatical genious to figure this one out.

Good luck,

Id

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 7:53am

THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH.....I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN RIGHT NOW,IT WOULD BE EASIER IF HE WAS LEAVING ME FOR HER AND NOT THE KIDS. AT LEAST I WOULD NOT BELIEVE HIM WHEN HE TOLD ME HE LOVES ME.

I will look for this other persons posts I am new to this is there some quick way to find all of one persons posts or do I just scan the discussion board.

THANKS AGAIN TO EVERYONE!!

With deepest gratitude,
a hope