starting n.c. again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
starting n.c. again?
8
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 6:52am

First off, after spending two days in bed sick and nyquilled up...I am up at this ridiculous hour with a sick toddler...who has finally drifted off to sleep. That said...I am here to say I need to start n.c. again. I would say I impulsively reached out to xAP in a text after a series of very strange events...and that is partially true..but not really. I did send him a text. Fishing, closure...call it what you may. But for me? I honestly feel like it is part of my way of accepting the finality of this all...my own personal grieving process.  I have really struggled with n.c. lately. Still am, actually. But not struggling like I'm jonesing again...and please don't get me wrong. I could not have even started to heal without n.c.  I tried often..I failed often..so I just changed numbers and that was that. Yes I had said I was leaving..several times..but I hadn't. Then I just disappeared...and lately that has really bothered me. It has started to feel like I'm hiding..and that by spending the rest of my life avoiding him...I am giving him way too much power. H knows I sent the text. Does that mean I want to re-establish a friendship. No..not really.In fantasy land..of course, but in reality, not. It would be unfair to both of our spouses, and he was kind-of a jerk to me. Do I want back in affair? no way. But I don't want to feel like I am having to avoid him either..if that makes any sense. So sorry for the ramble...don't fire me..please?

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 7:25am
You cant be fired, I've had to restart nc more times then i can count. I feel right now like i need to be disappeared to him, its what i need to get it and gain some perspective but i hope i don't always have to hide.
Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 8:29am

Hey Breeze! Your reasons for breaking NC are your own my sweet, you are accountable to yourself for your actions, you know what your motives are, what you were hoping to acheive, and you were honest with your H about what you were doing, and that's good. Your NC will be set back to zero, but you are not shunted back to the beginning of your journey, so dust yourself off and continue your healing. I am a great believer in NC too, having broken it too many times to mention and re-established first the friendship and then the A, breaking NC never brought me any closure, peace, answers, each time it just brought me more distress. And I don't see myself as using NC to "hide", I see it as protecting myself and my family, keeping us safe, stopping me from making that mistake again.

I hope you are able to accept the finality now Breeze and that you can move forward.

Much love, Soglad x o x

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 8:41am

I guess I don't get it.

NC is a gage of being done. It's a crutch for those of us who are still hanging on. It is nothing more than a time line of healing. It's the linear approach to letting us know how well we are doing. 

Are you done?  It's a yes or no answer.

You have burned the candle at both ends for so long, going back and forth, and I know you have made half hearted attempts at ending, but are you done?

Are you hanging on?  Are you fantasizing another life with AP?

I don't get it. 

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2012
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 10:25am

Just a quick response. I've got to get working here in a minute.

Looking..disappearing to him is exactly what I needed to do for awhile...and I did. and So Glad I reallly don't see it as hiding when you are doing what you need to do..it's just for me..it was really starting to FEEL like hiding..and when it starts to feel that way? I can't just ignore it. RBM I agree..no contact definately has it's place...but it IS linear....and I am not a linear thinker nor do I live in a linear world. I admit I did waiver back and forth for awhile..I was in limbo and very honest about the fact that I was..but I have not waivered in over 4 months. I'm out...and I do trust myself not to get back in...but I also have to acknowledge that xAP was a very important part of my life for awhile...and I needed to let him know I was sorry for the mistakes we made, the hurt caused in a way he would understand. Me disappearing..was not understanding. That is all. Like I said..it was for me...am I hanging on? no...quite the opposite. I'm letting go.

  The difference between who you are and who you imagine yourself to be, is what you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 10:26am

Hi Breeze,

Oh, it is SO hard to get out of an A!!! 

I too ignored, ignored, ignored all XAP’s fishing attempts, for almost two years!  I avoided too.

But, for my situation, it took a final ending email in which I told him “Please don’t contact me anymore.”

So far, so good!  I’m at something like 50 days this time.  And it feels like the true end.

It can be no other way.  AP’s cannot be friends; it takes complete total severance of any kind of contact.

I will admit that when I was in the ignoring mode, there was a feeling that I knew I still “had him”, he was still there, he would try again.  Some would say that that meant I was still in the A.

Now it’s done.  And, it’s hard, but it becomes more clear all the time.  Yes, I wonder what he’s thinking, how is he processing all this, etc.  But, none of those answers matter.  Because I’m moving on.  I was done.  As Rather said in another post, I knew I was done.  XAP was not done, the A was not done.  But I was done.  I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.  I was DONE.

I hope you get to that point soon.  I regret that I prolonged my ending.  I often think of where I would be in my healing and in my life if I had sent that final email almost two years ago……….

Focus on trying to BE DONE.  It will propel you right out of there!

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 12:16pm

Nahhhh...no one can get fired...well, I suppose I could be stripped of my CL...hah!

I'm hoping that you have not re-opened the door thinking that somehow your contact would close the door.  Is the door now completely closed..locked..bolted..nailed shut, or is it now left ajar for him to slip in with a response to your communications?

((hugs))

Clarity 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for Sogladitsanewday
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2012
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 3:33pm

Hi Breeze! I'm pleased that you did what you needed to do for you, we are all on our own individual journeys, making our own choices and hopefully doing what is best for ourselves and our loved ones and I understand that you felt it was necessary to explain your feelings to your xAP, and it does sound as though you feel that this now enables you to fully let go, which is wonderful news.

I wish you well on your journey, you are doing great x

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 5:16pm

Like RBM, I don't get it, maybe it's because I'm a linear thinker.  Time is linear, and NC follows the timeline.  But being done is a whole other game.  Although NC, I hung on for 10 yrs after my 1st A, I got in my 2nd A as a way of coping with the fact that I was still hanging on the 1st A.

Don't get me wrong, I get the opening the door to say I am closing the door and sealing it shut  for real this time.  That I get, totally.  Been there, done that.  Did it work? NO.  In hindsight it was a failure:  It hurt while I was doing it, followed by feel goods of false closure, of "doing the right thing", and in my case, like many others,  getting the last word. 

What is done is done and we can't go back and undo. Learn and go forward. 

Don't want to be a piss party, but I worry how our newer members will interpret the ok-ness of breaking NC.  There's more to resetting a timeline counter at stake.

I did it for the same reasons you did.  I did it for me, I needed to let him know, to let him understand.  I had no business of pushing MY issues, MY feelings, MY need for him to understand by deliberatly breaking NC, hurting him and picking the scab-off his wounds, just so I could temperarily feel better.