Starting NC clock back to zero.

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Starting NC clock back to zero.
19
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 5:59am

So I went four whole weeks without talking or texting, the longest time in the last two years! But tonight I finally gave in to the urge and send him a picture of the baby with the caption "MISS U!!!". He sent a text back saying "Thank u!!". So I guess even though it was just one single text I've got to start back at zero on NC. I don't know if I mentioned this before, but my H actually talked to xAP on the phone and told him that if he wanted to know anything about the baby to talk to him. H said (and he's right) that xAP trying to get in touch with me now has nothing to do with caring about the baby, just wanting to get back in touch with me. And really me sending him a picture of the baby tonight also has nothing to do with the baby, but me just trying to keep in touch. I think one of the things that's making it so difficult for me (besides having a baby that looks like him!) is this job. I'm here all night with nothing to do but remember him. I've been looking for a new job. Hopefully if I find another job where I'll be busy and not reminded of him daily it will get easier on me.

Hurt Now Healing ( just noticed where computer has me down as Hurting Need Help, while I do still need help, I am now healing! :smileyhappy: )

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Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 7:59am

Why is it that I don't get the feeling you have any intentions or desire to end it with this man?

You seem to want to keep him and your H dangling at the end of that string.  Not letting go.

I can understand your AP doing that, it is a heck of deal for him.  He has you, baby, his real wife who he won't leave, his family who doesn't know and he hasn't lost or given up anything. 

What is in it for you?

I don't understand the indecision on the parts of you and your AP.  Where are you headed, what is your perfect scenario?

Soon or later, it would be my guess that your H is going to wake up, pack up and be gone.  Is that what you are after? 

What is it that you want?

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 9:18am

Morning HNH

You're husband is one smart cookie...saw right through you both.  Listen, I can't even imagine how much more difficult it is having a baby in the picture...you are just going to have to put more effort in...similar to those to have to have limited contact because of work.  And I can't imagine how much more difficult it has to be for your husband, who sounds like an extraordinary man, to be to raise a child from your affair, watching his wife grieve over another man and watching her reach to him...so perhaps, you can give that hard thought the next time you feel an urge.

What I don't understand is the 'here all night with nothing to do but remember him'.  Actually, you've got plenty to do.  The hard work has just begun.

You could have come here instead of calling JAM to talk it out; and if there was no one to talk you off the ledge, you could have worked on your recovery by reading through the Healing Library.  Have you picked up any self-help books to read? There are other web sites to search....just pop in 'healing after infideity' and a list comes up, have you made an appointment with a T to get to your core issues?  

NC isn't just no contact.  It allows for time and distance to help us get clear..affords us the opportunity begin working on ourselves.  I am a firm believe that our healing is dependent upon  the effort we put into it.  I've seen some just sit back on NC, waiting for things to just miraculously change, and they get no where.  I've seen some sink their teeth into every available resource...and heal by leaps and bounds.

Believe me when I tell you, once we start delving in our 'whys' and starting figuring out what makes us tick, there is precious little time left for idle thoughts about JAM.

Please come here BEFORE giving in to the next urge, k? K :smileywink:

((hugs))

Clarity

 


Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 1:29pm
This is more than just a single text. MISS U? Are you kidding me? You don't have the luxury of being weak here. Your husband is doing his best. You need to do better. If you don't want to see that it's for you, then see that it's for your baby. You have no room for excuses.

You know, I prefer to be a lot more diplomatic here but lots of us are struggling and keeping our fingers off the touch screen. If you feel weak at work, don't take your phone, invest in an app to keep you from reaching out. You have lots of options.
Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 1:42pm
Dodge, I read something in the healing library about the myth of being friends with your xap. I tried to find it without luck. It might be in one of the wisdom and insight posts. I was going to bump it up to the top but I hope you'll go looking for it yourself.

You can't be friends. You'll always just have this history between you and it'll get you into trouble. So, block (which you've already done) and stay blocked. Make sure you're blocked on every channel: social media, phone, email. It's for your safety and for his. I don't believe healing is possible if you have any contact that keeps picking away at the scab. You don't want that for yourself and you don't want that for him.

You said it yourself. Leave the A behind. World's full of lots of people with whom you can be friends. Don't focus on one in seven billion. (What's the population of the earth now?)

Whew! You guys are wearing me out. I read these stories and I ask myself what I'm holding out for. I have an excuse every day to contact xap. But NC saves me from hurt and disappointment. Disappointment by the shovelful. I want that for everyone too. It's the best gift we can give ourselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 2:41pm

Almost too afraid to post about it...you are too cute...way to sneak it there, Dodgie :smileywink:

I'm sorry you caused yourself more pain by touching that hot stove.  Please don't feel ashamed, there are many who continually burned themselves 'til they came back nothing but charred remains of the person they once were.  I still see some pink areas.

I don't think you'll reach that point and I do believe you won't be burning yourself again...because now you know the truth of the matter...he has moved on.  

Hopefully, you'll do everything in your power to do so as well.  So dust yourself off, dry your tears, splash water on your face and keep moving.

Ahhh ohhhh...my mother and her admonishing finger are invading my body.  "Stay away from the hot stove!"

Please post in and tells us how you are doing today when you feel up to it...in a new thread.

((hugs))

Clarity

 

 

 

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 5:34pm
Healing, I can't imagine how hard it would be having a baby with xap but I do know how hard it is recovering from a Dday. My H has been incredible during our rebuilding process and I walked out on him and our children for nearly three months. When I moved back home my feelings were no where near 100 percent there but my actions were and I decided to trust that the feelings would follow. The very day I moved home, that was it for me. NC was in force. It was hard. My A didn't end badly. The last time I saw xap we talked about staying friends and catching up as friends. When I told him I was walking away for good, we did the whole 'I will miss you, always care about you' thing. The A had not been going on long enough for it to have made me feel I wanted it to be over for any reason other then knowing I couldn't give my marriage the chance I needed to, while xap was in the picture.
So I moved home and I did what Clarity mentioned in her last post. I threw myself into healing. I read so much and forced myself to look at the person I really had become and why. I went to therapy and did the exercises and shared them sometimes on here, I posted in regularly and reached out when I needed to.
Did I type out texts to send to xap, yep. Did I send them - nope, not one! And my number one reason was the fact that I had a man who loved me so much, who saw something in me that made wading through an avalanche of shifting emotions worthwhile, even when there were times when I know he himself thought, what am I doing staying with her.
Your H has been through enough and it is easy to take them for granted when they have shown us so much grace but you should be protecting him now from anymore pain. When you contact your x you are saying to your H through your actions, I know this hurts you incredibly but my escape from my pain is more important then whatever pain this is causing you. Every time you reach out to xap, you are sending shards through your H's heart. How is that fair after what he has done for you? You are either in or your're not. You may not be able to fully recommit your feelings yet but as long as you continue to let your feelings for your xap dictate your actions, the feelings for your H will take longer to return.
You really do have an amazing husband, please don't take that for granted as there is only so much pain someone can cope with before they say enough.

I am not meaning to be harsh and I think you are facing an incredible situation so please come on here and post before reaching out again. You can get through this but you have to give the wound a chance to heal.
The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sat, 08-25-2012 - 7:01pm
It is really nice to see you, RTMO. And you were THE very person I was thinking about when I spoke of some who dive right into their healing.

Thank you so much for posting in and sharing your experience.

I hope all is well with you and yours.

MUWAH!

Clarity

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Mon, 08-27-2012 - 6:37am

Hey Healing, Sorry you felt weak and reached out to XAP instead of coming here. Maybe Healing its time you all sat around the table and sorted this out once and for all in terms of XAP's involvement or no involvement with your son. It does feel you are sitting suspended in limbo and as such there is room for to-ing and fro-ing which will just keep this thing going and you wont get to really heal the way you need to.

 

Either XAP signs up to coparent or he doesnt and if he doesnt???  you cut him loose and get on with the job at hand, and that is to heal you and your H and your M. You've already seen that you can life without XAP and are starting to heal. I think you know in your heart what your XAP will choose to do, you are both just delaying the enivitable, to try and keep a dying amber alight but while you continue to fan the flame, as RBM has said your husband will wake up, pack up and be gone. It's time Healing to let it go. I know you can and you know you can too. Keep posting in, wishing you strength hun

 

(((Hugs)))

Sunny Soon Xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 6:24am
Morning HNH - that is such a positive outlook for you to have in your complicated situation. Your H can be your biggest ally in the years ahead and I think working on your M while getting xAP out of your head is a great direction! And writing poetry at work is lovely.

Hugs -Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Tue, 08-28-2012 - 9:18am

Hey Healing,

I had kind of been wondering how your xAP was with all of this and if he was likely to step up to the plate. Im not wondering now though. Based on what you have said, Mr. Easy Way Out isn't going to ever tell his wife, he isn't ever going to provide for your son or have anything to do with him. Mr. Easy Way Out is using your son to maintain contact with you for his own selfish ends. Im wondering why you think the preferred option is to co-parent with this man, might it be that you get to have LC? Dig deep with this one Healing, this is a man who asked you to abort your baby, this man asked you to lie to your husband and son and to keep lying forever more? Shame on him. And oh how strong and determined are you for standing up and doing what you believe to be right for all of you. That takes courage Healing and you have it a ton of it. Now tap into that courage and show Mr.. Easy Way Out, the door. And bolt it behind him.

 

Healing everything you say tells me you know what a good man you have in your H, how much you don't want to lose him. You just fear the pain of giving up your xAP. This board can help you through all that, we can all help dry your tears and support you through the fog. Let him go Healing now, once and for all. He isn't going to be there for you or your baby, and you know it. We all of us look for excuses and rationales as to why we should keep xAP's in our lives and we can look till the cows come home, but we wont find reasons because there are none. They don't belong in our lives and yours Im sad to say is no different.

I like your poem, Im sure H did too but do you know what he would love more? He would love action, actions that will end this nightmare for him once and for all. You have shown great strength, determination and courage to take the actions you have taken thus far. Go this extra mile Healing and before long I promise you will truly be Healing then.

 

(((Hugs)))

SunnySoon Xxx

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