starting no contact today...need support, i have tried and failed before

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014
starting no contact today...need support, i have tried and failed before
29
Tue, 03-25-2014 - 4:53pm

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Welcome to EAS, findingme

Workplace affairs are the absolute pits. When one partner decides enough is enough, you still have to see each other 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week...and it really makes it tough.  I'm sorry.

However, if you are determined to end this affair once and for all, limited contact will have to be the way to go. Do you best to avoid him at all costs...different lunch time, different route to the supply closest, different route to the restrooms...no eye contact...and no conversations that are not work related.  You must keep it professional at all times.  It's not easy, but it is doable.  

How do things stand right now?  Are you in NC mode?

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014

Hi, thanks, yes its tough, especially when I care about him. Its in NC mode, going ok, but have this desire to have a go at him about some things, but what's the point, it won't give me closure, I guess I want him to be hurt and upset like me, but he probably won't, so I will only get more upset.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

That could very well be true, and trying to make someone feel as upset as us is an exercise in crazy making. You know...In most relationships, one party is usually more hurt than the other.  And you know, too, that people move on at a different rate.  So, you might see him getting along just fine.  And that will suck because you are in pain.  But, you don't want any drama in the workplace, so you need to just move on as well and show him that you are just fine and dandy too. Drama, tears, pouty faces, angry faces do not allow us to move on with grace and dignity. And jobs are on the line.  

Take this as a learning experience and work at figuring out what voids you were trying to fill or from which problems you were trying to escape. An affair was just a bandaid anyway...nothing in your reality would have been resolved in a fantasy. Affairs only seem to compound our problems.

This is an opportunity for you to do some self-reflection and grow.

Closure will have to come from with in and it usually goes like this:  I am done.

I hope you make the time to read through our Healing Library....brought to you by all those who have gone before you and made it out.

Keep posting in for support.  I check the Board frequently throughout the day..so I'm here for you.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014
I'm happy I was able to stop and delete the text, I wanted to have a rant, but think its so much better that I didn't
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

I'm impressed and so proud of you!  You have to work with this guy, so you have be civil to make the workplace tolerable. I was going to suggest making an official ending so that you are both on the same page...to keep it short and sweet, and you took the words right out of my mouth...you did good!

It's good to be able to 'journal out' out feelings...and you can do that safely here.  I hope you feel a little better having gotten it out...lol...you certainly feel better having not sent it.  Staying the course is so important.  One more communication to look for closure, to get in the last word, to get some kind of response out of them could ultimately cause a discovery day too.  We must remember too that we were players...not victims...players who went willingly down the wrong path.  We showed we were capable of deceipt and betrayal, and we found someone to play along...there's never a good outcome for a relationship built on that kind of foundation...and they are not fully to blame just because they didn't play by our rules and so the outcome was not to our liking.  

Now is the time to focus your positive energy on taking care of you, getting through your surgery and recovery...and most importantly being grateful that you did not have a discovery day and that you have a husband who will be by your side.

Keep posting...especially if you feel like "I'm gonna blow!" :)

Clarity

 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

I don't have anything to add about the affair but you have to get over the idea that your exAP & wife's life is perfect--obviously it's not because her DH was having an affair!  You think she's lucky to stay home, but maybe she's bored, maybe her DH thinks she's boring cause she doesn't work, maybe she is jealous of women who get out of the house and have stimulating work all day.  Yes they have money but money doesn't solve all problems.  My BFF makes more than twice as much as I do and has a beautiful house but she's also divorced w/ no BF (like me) and she has a lot of health problems that most people wouldn't know about because she's able to work and go out.  I wouldn't want her health problems so you never know what is going on with other people.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Really, none of us were behaving worthy while engaged in an affar...but maybe you can just think of it as him rejecting the affair and not you. 

We can never know what goes on in others minds to understand why he risked everything.  The question is really 'why did you risk everything?'  Had you two spoken of leaving your families some day?  Would you have really left your marriage?  A lot of the angst we suffer is our ego asserting itself. In the end, we often times find ourself working overtime in our minds and turns out that we didn't really want them...we wanted them to want us.

As far as being jealous, it's such a low, weak vibration. You really have no idea what their life together is all about. Material things...well, we all know it's what's inside more than what we present to the world on the outside.

It's normal...this sense of confusion.  It's in our best interest to clear up our own confusing reasons why we are hear...so concentrating on our own motivates and working on ourselves will give us clarity and understanding...so we don't put ourselves or our loved ways in harms way again.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014

Thank you both, your right, I know this, I'm an intelligent woman and a strong one too, but this situation has turned me into a weak insecure and irrational thinking person, sometimes I read what I have written and think this woman sounds like an idiot, what is wrong with her. Unfortunately at the moment I'm ruled by my emotions and can't think rationally. Thanks for your words and support, keep it coming everyone, your words are gold and its keeping me on track

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

Staying on track is your only way out.  Yes, it hurts and it is uncomfortable but at least there is an end to it. Remaining in the affair only keeps the cycle of hurt and disappointment and rejection going 'round and 'round with no end in sight.

You are fresh out and so prepare yourself for the emotional rollercoaster.  It's a process. Even though the relationship was inappropriate, you are still suffering a loss...and you just have to grieve it out similar to any losses you've already experienced in your life. 

I promise you that you will begin to feel better as you gain time and distance out.

We've all been in your shoes, but we made it because we accepted that it was over and stayed the course.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014

I just re read what you said clarity....I think maybe it was more about wanting him to want me then it was about actually wanting him. Why did I do it, maybe just a distraction from reality, thinking life on the other side is better, maybe cause he is a more fun and exciting person with a truly amazing past (this guy has seriously done everything....he could write a book about his life and it would be so interesting and entertaining) he has this charisma, great sense of humor, etc etc, maybe my husband seems boring in comparison. Would I really leave, I'm not sure, I thought I would if he wanted me, but maybe I really wouldn't, I need to think about that some more

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