starting no contact today...need support, i have tried and failed before

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014
starting no contact today...need support, i have tried and failed before
29
Tue, 03-25-2014 - 4:53pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014

One of the things that is irritating me at the moment is I can't stop going over conversations and situations that have happened in the past, I keep going over them, thinking I should have said or done something differently, but I know its the past and can't change it.

Also,I'm being a tad consumed by thoughts of him going on about his life not worried its over and being happy at home with his family, not even sparing a though for me. The whole way through the A he seemed to manage so easily to separate his real life and what we had....it didn't consume him like it did me. I used to want him to take the time to contact me when he had a spare moment away from his family like I did if my family wasn't around, I feel like he must not have cared, there was me needing contact when ever I could but he was fine to go on with life

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014

Sorry for my frequent and rambled posts, when I think it I just need to get it out

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

I've heard of all what you speak of from many.  I think what it shows us is how undiscerning we were with our choice.  We would never pick our xaffair partner to forge a real relationship because they fall short of meeting some of the basics of what makes a relationship work.  I can't tell you how many...as in most...look back with the rose-colored glasses off and know they never would have been happy with their xaffair partner. So you see,' initially' they must have filled some kind of void (and what void that was for you needs to be figured out so you can fill it yourself with healthier endeavors)...and it could have been anyone who came along at the right and ripe time. It's like we were starved and so anything tasted good.  As we eat and become less hungry, suddenly things don't taste so good. I'm willing to bet it is the attention and how he made you feel that you really miss.

And men compartmentalize way better than women.  Work, family, children, buddies, affair partner.  Women tend to drop everything and allow everything and everybody to fall by the wayside.  It's just not healthy and a big red flag.  We should never allow someone to consume us so...so much so that when they are out of the picture, we fall down.

He'll go on with his life and now it's up to you to do that for yourself. Thoughts about what he is up to, which you don't even really know, is a waste of time.  Focus on what you need to do to pick yourself up and regain your footing.  Have you considered therapy?

When that runaway brain starts, say outloud or to yourself, STOP! and replace it with something positive to nip it in the bud. You may have to do that over and over again for a while. Then, connect with your real life...play with your children, look through a photograph book, pat the pet, connect some way with your husband...it'll ground you to your reality.  Surround yourself during this difficult time with those who love you...really love.

I hope that you are reading through all the threads...not just yours. Many have the same questions and are experiencing the same feelings and you'll find some answers there as well. And feel free to participate and support others here as well. It's comforting to know others, walking in the same path, are listening.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

It was the perfect time to start NC.  Don't start weakening and second guessing your decision now and please don't set up your intentions of 'dying to talk to him'...your setting yourself up to fail with that kind of thinking.

You now have a entire month with him out of the picture, surgery to get through and healing to take place.

Use the time away wisely...to heal mentally and emotionally as well.  Have some kind of plan in place if you think you want to reach out. You have tried and failed before...do something different this time to succeed.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014

Help....I want to contact him, I have just got into big trouble at work about something that I should not have, the place we work is so political, people playing games to hurt people, its hard to understand if you don't work here, my husband doesn't understand, I so feel like talking to xAP as I know it will make me feel better and he will know just what to do

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

STOP!

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

You are going to have to learn to take care of yourself without using xaffair partner as a crutch.  I remember the days when I used every and any reason/excuse to make contact.  Talk to someone else...anyone else...or deal with it yourself.  Maybe you husband would understand...give him the chance.

Don't do it!

Clarity


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014

Day 4 NC.....feeling strong today but sick if the memories and going over sinarios in my head....just want to forget

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

4 days!  Big KUDOS because I know how badly you wanted to reach out, but you showed great restraint!  I hope that situation at work smoothed over for you.

I know...I know, if we could just flip a switch... Try not to go there and remember, people say and do things in the moment.  Sometimes, they mean it at that moment...sometimes they don't and just say whatever necessary to keep things rolling.

Okay...now you got the whole month to focus on your upcoming surgery and recovery.  I hope it's not a serious matter.  And you will have your husband at your side.  

Hang in there.  Time and distance will help a lot. You're already feeling stronger.  You'll have your ups and downs...and that's okay...you just don't have to act upon any of the feelings that bubble to the surface. Eventually the up times will outweigh the down times.  

I hope you are really proud of yourself...I know I am  :)

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2014

Day 6 NC...can't get him off my mind. Going in for surgery soon and I feel like contacting him but I won't. I'm finding it hard not to be off in the fantasy land in my head