Starting over with NC...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Starting over with NC...
11
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 3:53pm
Hi there everyone--

Man, I must have really bad karma following me around this weekend. XMM called me Friday (already discussed on an earlier thread – thanks for your support on that, y’all). Then I ran into him twice (in person!!!) this weekend. His past patterns of behavior tell me he is likely to make contact again this week. My friends, this is going to really test my resolve!

So…it’s the start of a new week and couldn’t we all use a bit of a pep talk? I don’t know about you, but here is the talk that will be running through my head while I avoid this guy’s calls (gentlemen—feel free to substitute XOW!!):

1. It is my choice whether I respond to his calls or his emails. He can’t talk to me if I don’t answer his call or delete his email. And I know the best and only choice! I can’t allow any sort of contact. Period.

2. XOM is not my destiny. I can try to tell myself how special that relationship was, but no matter what the nature of the relationship was, it’s simply irrelevant. When a relationship is built on lying to other people, how special can it really be?

3. I have been under a spell, cast by my own fantasies and weaknesses. The relationship we have while in an A is not real – every affair is the same, and mine is not "different," "special," or "unique." I have awoken from that spell and will no longer be affected by its emotional pull.

4. XMM’s feelings are of no consequence to me. If he misses me, or if he’s sad about our A ending, that has no bearing on the choices I must make, nor on the way I should be managing my feelings. My feelings need to be directed toward the people who are special in my life, not the fantasy guy. My feelings and energies from now on are directed only to my H and our kids and the other special people in my life.

5. XMM needs to get on with his life and it isn’t my concern how he does that – he is a big boy and can do that on his own. And sorry – we aren’t entitled to validation of his feelings (how did you really feel about me?) at the end of an A – think of it as the price we pay at the end of a relationship we should not have started in the first place (yes, ladies, even if he is the one who started it).

6. There will be times when I’m mad at my H or that I am bored or lonely. That is a normal part of life and it too shall pass. When I have those feelings, I will make an effort to flirt with my H or to spend time with my kids or my friends (much more fun that sitting around feeling sorry for myself!)

7. I will not miss XMM forever. The longer I stay strong, the sooner the hurt will go away. I am making an investment in my future happiness by maintaining the NC.

8. Lust is not love. Having incredible sex without a loving relationship every day of the week isn’t love, either. I’m a little slow, so I need to say that first part once more – LUST IS NOT LOVE.

9. If someone was endangering my child, I would give my life to fight for his safety. But as a result of my A, my children are in danger of losing their happy and stable lives. So why am I even thinking about the A when I should be thanking my lucky stars that I am no longer endangering my children??? (if you have no children, just substitute the other important relationships you were endangering).

10. The big empty hole left in me by my A still hasn’t been totally filled with other things. That will take time. I am working hard at filling it, but I am still in danger of going back to the A if I don’t watch what I’m doing – the easy way out is to fill up that hole with the thing that used to be there – which is the A. Going back to the A is the path taken only by cowards. I promise myself to fill the hole with healthy activities and I will stay occupied so that hole doesn’t act like a magnet and suck that guy right back into my life.

11. MY H is a great guy! He loves me unconditionally, is fun to be around, and our sex life is good. I will remind myself every day how much he brings to my life so I am not tempted to throw it all away by putting another (destructive) relationship ahead of the one I have with him.

12. That spark and fire we feel when we first meet someone won’t sustain as we travel through our lives. That spark causes us to find someone attractive at first, but it’s the rest of the relationship we develop when we are dating and first married that causes a happy marriage over the years with that person. It’s a thrill to feel that spark again when we are in an A, but it isn’t the real spark if we are feeling it for the wrong person at the wrong time. We can’t have a real relationship if one of us is still committed to another person, so that means that nothing we feel in this relationship can be real, unless we completely break ties with our spouse and take a chance on the A being “the real thing.” Sounds like a pretty stupid idea to me…

13. I have the power to choose how I will react to any situation, or whether I will react at all. I also have the wisdom to realize that the choices I make in my life affect others. I was not put on this planet to make selfish decisions just because it makes me feel desired, beautiful or because the orgasm rocks my world. I will think with my head and not my libido. I have the ability to see and appreciate my own beauty and desirability without help from some guy who’s feeding his own fantasy!

I hope you all have a peaceful and non-eventful week :- )

Meg

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 4:08pm
Wow Meg! Doesn't sound like you need much advice at all...maybe just a little encouragement ;-)

Everything you said is right on! I know it SO hard - I found myself checking my cell phone a million times Saturday night, wondering if I was going to get another druck phone call - like last weekend. I haven't decided which is harder...expecting the call and not getting it, or getting it and not responding.

Stay strong and post here as ofetn as needed...it really helps me. My XOM's b-day is Friday and I have SWORN to myself NO MATTER WHAT I cannot call or email him! Hence, you'll be seeing posts from me on an hourly basis!! NC since Thursday :-)

Actressdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 4:42pm
hi there Diva--

Thanks for your supportive words. My thoughts on paper are much stronger than the ones in my head :-) I think we all know in our head what we should do; it's our hearts that cause the biggest problems!

My XMM's birthday is coming up too -- and I have not been looking forward to that day. I wish it was on a weekend day so I wouldn't be tempted to make contact. But I will have almost two weeks of NC so by then hopefully I will feel even more strongly about not making the call!

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 6:27pm
Meg:

You are a wise woman. I just posted a new discussion and then clicked on yours. You sound like I wish could! I too have a decent, kind H and we still connect strongly physically. But yes, I get a little freaked when I'm bored or lonely without glitter of A. Mine was fantasy too. Though it pains me to really admit that. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I've been "Semi" NC for 5 weeks (2 quick calls). I know that's not NC!

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 7:07pm
UGH - those birthday-days will be the worst. I have to admit that I am dreading it too! We will only be 1 week with NC by then. The good thing is, I'm sure he won't contact me that day :-)....but it will be difficult to keep my mind preoccupied and not contact him!

You're so right about heart vs. head. I keep telling myself that it is ridiculous for me to have even the slightest bit of emotion towards this man after how crappy he has treated me over the last 2 months...I wish I could turn my emotion on and off like they seem to do! There is a song by Tracy Lawrence called "I just can't break it to my heart" - ain't it the truth!

Stay strong! I'm here for ya!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 10:17pm
hi there Diva--

My problem is that my XMM never really treated me crappy. I wish I had that reason to walk away (not that it amkes the pain any easier I'm sure). Our relationship was just wrong so it had to end. Tough but necessary.

have a good week :-)

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 11:05pm
Meg,

Lucky you! My XOM has become a huge jerk since our breakup. He was the one that chose to end it. He said he couldn't understand how I could be in love with 2 people at the same time, tired of going home alone when I went home to H, tired of having to make excuses/lie when someone asked him if he was dating anyone. Not to mention the fact that we are different religions, lead different lives, etc...

The hardest part for me is knowing the that I am the first person he ever truly loved. He never wanted to get married until he met me. It's hard to just let go of all that...well, apparently not for him, but it is for me :-) Ugh - more tears. I wonder when the pain begins to fade...

Anyway, good for you for having the strength to see that the relationship was wrong and walk away. I wish I would have done that sooner!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:44pm
Hi Meg -

Thanks for the post, it sounds like you are doing wonderful.

I know that I will NEVER, EVER be in an A again - but the hardest thing

for me to get over is this (the second half of #5):

And sorry – we aren’t entitled to validation of his feelings (how did you really feel about me?) at the end of an A – think of it as the price we pay at the end of a relationship we should not have started in the first place (yes, ladies, even if he is the one who started it).

I still feel entitled to know. How did you manage to get over that one?

I like the way you worded it; maybe that will be enough for me to let go.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 6:14pm
hi there Iv--

Truthfully, I still have problems dealing with many of the things on that list -- that's why I needed to write it :-) Today I am on two days of NC -- what a bummer to start over...

In my situation, I have a pretty clear idea of how my XMM feels about me -- most of our talks were about life issues and what was going on in our lives that we could help each other with, but a couple times over the four years we discussed (1) the fact that neither of us intended to leave our families, and (2) how we felt about each other.

I know that he misses me; I could tell that without hearing the words when he called me on Friday--we know each other pretty well. But I have gotten to the point that I know I need to work on getting over this A, and his feelings, while I know they are out there, are something he needs to deal with in his own way, just like I am. I also know that neither of us can afford to help each other work through the pain of ending our A -- we need to do that individually. As has been stated on this board, NC is the magical ingredient for a successful A breakup.

If you never had the "feelings" discussion at the end, keep in mind that his feelings are irrelevant. What would change about your healing process if you had that validation? Nothing, right?? You would still be working through the feelings and trying to lessen your pain. Knowing his feelings wouldn't change a thing.

I hope that makes sense. Good luck!!

Meg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 8:35am
meg -

I made an appt. with a therapist today (it's not til next Friday)- but I really think that talking things out with someone will help me get over this faster.

I actually em'd XMM yesterday at work - stupid, I know. I asked him if

he was here....he said yeah, and then I didn't write back! (I got distracted by something). He did and asked how I was. I said I was ok and told him

that I wanted to talk to him earlier but then something came up and I don't want to

deal with anything other than work issues. He wrote back and said something like

he can only imagine what I'm going thru right now (he said he was dealing

with alot of stress right now). He said let me know when you want to talk.

Anyway, I decided I do not need to talk to him. I already know the answer to the question I wanted him to answer (were we ever really friends?)

I think I've done very well with coming to terms of ending this. I did what I had to do, and yeah, it hurts. But hopefully some good will come out of it at some point.

I'm over the withdrawl and that I think is the hardest part.

You are right; it doesn't matter if he says yes or no. I still have to deal

with all this stuff by myself. For me, it's just a matter of me asking myself 'was this guy using me from the get-go and I was too stupid/naive to see it?'

I don't think he set out to intentionally hurt me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:05am
Hi Meg!

Wow! That was great! All points on the mark and really hit home....now if it could just SINK IN MY THICK HEAD that its normal to miss him and at the end of the day NC is for the best, I will be that much better!

Hope your well...

xo!

Dipss

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