Starting over with NC...
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| Sun, 10-17-2004 - 3:53pm |
Man, I must have really bad karma following me around this weekend. XMM called me Friday (already discussed on an earlier thread – thanks for your support on that, y’all). Then I ran into him twice (in person!!!) this weekend. His past patterns of behavior tell me he is likely to make contact again this week. My friends, this is going to really test my resolve!
So…it’s the start of a new week and couldn’t we all use a bit of a pep talk? I don’t know about you, but here is the talk that will be running through my head while I avoid this guy’s calls (gentlemen—feel free to substitute XOW!!):
1. It is my choice whether I respond to his calls or his emails. He can’t talk to me if I don’t answer his call or delete his email. And I know the best and only choice! I can’t allow any sort of contact. Period.
2. XOM is not my destiny. I can try to tell myself how special that relationship was, but no matter what the nature of the relationship was, it’s simply irrelevant. When a relationship is built on lying to other people, how special can it really be?
3. I have been under a spell, cast by my own fantasies and weaknesses. The relationship we have while in an A is not real – every affair is the same, and mine is not "different," "special," or "unique." I have awoken from that spell and will no longer be affected by its emotional pull.
4. XMM’s feelings are of no consequence to me. If he misses me, or if he’s sad about our A ending, that has no bearing on the choices I must make, nor on the way I should be managing my feelings. My feelings need to be directed toward the people who are special in my life, not the fantasy guy. My feelings and energies from now on are directed only to my H and our kids and the other special people in my life.
5. XMM needs to get on with his life and it isn’t my concern how he does that – he is a big boy and can do that on his own. And sorry – we aren’t entitled to validation of his feelings (how did you really feel about me?) at the end of an A – think of it as the price we pay at the end of a relationship we should not have started in the first place (yes, ladies, even if he is the one who started it).
6. There will be times when I’m mad at my H or that I am bored or lonely. That is a normal part of life and it too shall pass. When I have those feelings, I will make an effort to flirt with my H or to spend time with my kids or my friends (much more fun that sitting around feeling sorry for myself!)
7. I will not miss XMM forever. The longer I stay strong, the sooner the hurt will go away. I am making an investment in my future happiness by maintaining the NC.
8. Lust is not love. Having incredible sex without a loving relationship every day of the week isn’t love, either. I’m a little slow, so I need to say that first part once more – LUST IS NOT LOVE.
9. If someone was endangering my child, I would give my life to fight for his safety. But as a result of my A, my children are in danger of losing their happy and stable lives. So why am I even thinking about the A when I should be thanking my lucky stars that I am no longer endangering my children??? (if you have no children, just substitute the other important relationships you were endangering).
10. The big empty hole left in me by my A still hasn’t been totally filled with other things. That will take time. I am working hard at filling it, but I am still in danger of going back to the A if I don’t watch what I’m doing – the easy way out is to fill up that hole with the thing that used to be there – which is the A. Going back to the A is the path taken only by cowards. I promise myself to fill the hole with healthy activities and I will stay occupied so that hole doesn’t act like a magnet and suck that guy right back into my life.
11. MY H is a great guy! He loves me unconditionally, is fun to be around, and our sex life is good. I will remind myself every day how much he brings to my life so I am not tempted to throw it all away by putting another (destructive) relationship ahead of the one I have with him.
12. That spark and fire we feel when we first meet someone won’t sustain as we travel through our lives. That spark causes us to find someone attractive at first, but it’s the rest of the relationship we develop when we are dating and first married that causes a happy marriage over the years with that person. It’s a thrill to feel that spark again when we are in an A, but it isn’t the real spark if we are feeling it for the wrong person at the wrong time. We can’t have a real relationship if one of us is still committed to another person, so that means that nothing we feel in this relationship can be real, unless we completely break ties with our spouse and take a chance on the A being “the real thing.” Sounds like a pretty stupid idea to me…
13. I have the power to choose how I will react to any situation, or whether I will react at all. I also have the wisdom to realize that the choices I make in my life affect others. I was not put on this planet to make selfish decisions just because it makes me feel desired, beautiful or because the orgasm rocks my world. I will think with my head and not my libido. I have the ability to see and appreciate my own beauty and desirability without help from some guy who’s feeding his own fantasy!
I hope you all have a peaceful and non-eventful week :- )
Meg

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I am so glad you have reached the point where you have this outlook on things. i can tell you are feeling better already. Some people have an easier time getting over their pain if they picture their XOMs as awful and spiteful. I can't do that -- he is an OK guy--no worse than me, but I certainly can't have him and definitely don't need him anymore. I have chosen just to push him out of my thoughts when he pops into my head. For me, hate and resentment are too strong; both emotions take up too much energy--I want to use my emotions for more positive thoughts.
And dipss--
<<>> don't worry -- it will sink in :-) And it still hasn't sunken in completely with me either. We are all on this journey together!
And thanks--I am am well--working on NC since Friday :-)
Peace and strength to you all!
Meg
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