Starting Over..Day 3 NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2010
Starting Over..Day 3 NC
7
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 10:34am

Ok..so I have come here for my dose of tough love..hopefully not too harsh.


I broke NC last week as XAP wanted to apologize to me for what he did. He was contacting other women while he was in an A with me. I was not the only one he was having an A with. When I found out, I was angry and in shock. Then he started emailing and the emotional letters started coming.


Last week I met him ( I know bad, bad decision)..but I did..I own it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 11:24am

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 11:41am
I understand exactly how you feel. I am a MW that had an A with a SM. I like you thought and wanted to believe I was the only one. He of course told me I was and funny thing was he would tell me I was "his" and could not see anyone else. I knew all along something was not right. He was way too secretive and evasive about everything in his life. I live in LA he in MS. I met him at a casino in MS and should have known then he was nothing but trouble. Long story short I found out there were other women. Other married and single. He evidently gets his ego stroked with women like this. Of course when I would ask him he would say I was acting crazy or I was dramatic. These guys will tell you whatever they need to say to you to keep you hanging on. It is only now that I have come to grips with the fact that it is not me with the problem it is him. We ask ourselves what is it about me that he would not want just me and truth is it has nothing to do with us but its them and their own insecurities they deal with. I like you and determined to fight and keep NC. We want though to get the that text from them so let us know they miss us or still want us but in all actuallity the texts they send are just their ego stroke to let them know we still want them. So keep your NC and realize if you do respond then you are simply stroking his ego once again. Tell yourself you will not give him the satisfaction of knowing you are interested. Trust me when you respond at all whether it be positive or negative, he gets off on it. I am determined to let him know now by NC that I don't need him or his bull *&*( lines and texts. NC is a bigger blow to his ego than anything I could say to him via a response text. Good luck :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 12:26pm

Thank you for your post..I so needed it right now. I did just get

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 1:19pm

It is VERY hard when you realize you are not the only one. I mean lets be honest. We enter into the A because we want to feel special and needed. Just remember as insecure as you feel right now....it is HIS insecurities that drive him to text you and as much as you NEED him to text you for that reassurance...he NEEDS you to respond to his text for his ego stroke. So when you feel the need to text him back...ask yourself....do I really want him to know how truly needy and vulnerable I am and do I really want to stroke his ego and let him be in control again? Trust me its hard and I am right there with you. But, honestly when I ask myself those questions, it makes it much easier to not text back because I am determined to prove to him I am a strong confident woman that does not need his crap!

Good luck and stay strong :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 1:41pm

Thank you CAT! Wow..your questions really hit the nail on head, so true. He does not "need" me, he "needs" the ego stroke.


I am sorry about your situation also, really sorry. I thought I was alone as far as being in an A that he was cheating on me! I know sounds so ironic, but that's how it was. (sigh)


Thank you for your advice and support. I definitely will keep reading your responses and the others for reinforcement in case I have a weak moment. Just to kick my own arse...


RG

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 2:05pm

CAT,


<<....it is HIS insecurities that drive him to text you and as much as you NEED him to text you for that reassurance...he NEEDS you to respond to his text for his ego stroke.>>


Ba Da

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2010
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 3:35pm

Thanks Iddy!! That which doesnt kill us only makes us stronger! I have to say I have learned what I think the hard way. But, in the end it has made me much stronger. I keep my focus on the fact that as much as I want revenge...the best revenge I can give him is NC!! I know from the past it kills him. They want to perceive us as needy vulnerable women and I will not give him that satisfaction!