Starting to see what was always right in front of me

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2012
Starting to see what was always right in front of me
5
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 9:06pm

So, I've been doing alot of thinking.  And realizing so much.  All the negative attributes and issues that I thought I had put on my H and into my M were actually put there by my xAP.  He put so many negative thoughts in my head and convinced me that I was unhappy in my M when I don't know if I ever really was.  My H is a wonderful, supportive, caring man who adores me and never, ever asked for any of this.  He never deserved to be treated as if I didn't care about him.  I'm trying to show him now, in every word and action, what he means to me and that this is exactly where I want to be. 

I'm so glad to be away from the games and the deception.  Another fishing attempt and all it said was "I know you're pissed".  Really??  That doesn't even begin to describe the emotions that I feel.  He fishes and I block.  He's using his children's phones.  That's just wrong.  He's got to come to the end of this eventually.

I feel strong but know that it's right there, around the corner.  The wanting him to want me.  Trying so very hard to not let that get to me.  He is no good.  No good for me. 

The hardest part is that we've gone through so many other periods of NC, that it almost seems like it's just another time.  But, I want this to be the end. 

Onto another week, going to keep busy and my head in the right place. 

Avatar for happyasme
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2012
Just want to chime in that I can relate to the yuckiness of those hurtful filthy last words that pushed us to say no more. I found it helpful to vent to a PM buddy because it was just too much too embarsing to state for the whole world to see. Today it doesn't matter, because I chose to not let those words define me and reclaim my life. Anger can be good at creating distance between ourselves and the A, we just have to be careful that it does not grow into a grudge and we don't wallow in anger. Are his fishing attempts keeping you in the anger mode? If you can't change your cel phone can you fiddle with the setup options so that you only get texts from people in your contact list? It's much easier to delete without reading, when you have technology do the deleting for you. Hugs, Happy
Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

That can happen sometimes.  Hearing or seeing that last message when they are showing their true colors and it reaffirming your decision to stay away.

It seems to be that you have reached that point that, even if he did change his tune and come on all cutsy whootsy, you'd stay in your good, clean place.  You've ended it on your terms...it doesn't get better than that...no feeling of rejection...only empowerment and in total control.

Keep it hummin', Blondehigh

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2012

How right you are, in that it does feel so good to be away from it.  I feel safe and clean.  There is no way around getting a new number, believe me I've tried everything.  Without going into alot of the details, I have to keep it.  But, I am deleting and blocking each and every attempt.  I shouldn't have read the last one...alittle slip on my part.  But it didn't take me in the wrong direction, it just reaffirmed that I am doing the right thing

He is a control FREAK.  Everything his way, all the time, or else.  I've seen it so often over the last almost fourteen years now that I know the drill.  That's why it is SO important that this ending is on my terms.  I am in control of this.  I have always bent to whatever he wanted, what he demanded, even when I knew how very wrong it was. 

And you know what?  Today, I don't want him to want me.  Because it always comes in a sick and twisted way that I know in my heart and my head that I never liked, never agreed with and wonder why I ever went along with it. 

If only you all knew those last words he left me with that were the ones that I needed to hear to make me say no more.  While hurtful and wrong and filthy, they were the push I needed to see what he really was and how he felt about me.  I am better than that and his words hold no weight with me any more.

Ok, enough of my self affirmations for the day!  You get the idea.  Still holding strong and feeling good about it. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012

Hi Blond

So pleased to see you continue to get more and more clarity. I have followed your story and know that there is a long and complicated history with this man with many periods of NC before. Hopefully as NC continues you will see how he has chipped away at eroding your boundaries and distorted your sense of reality. You are not dependant upon this man for your self worth. You do not need him to want you. Your husband wants you sweetie, wants you and needs you. This man doesn't. When you have weak moments go back to who you were 13 years ago before you met him. Blond please listen to Clarity and change your number, you know him well enough to know that he will be relentless in his pursuit of you. I think deep down you also know that it isn't out of any sense of caring that he does so. He has lost his control over you and he wants it back. Stay strong and focused and you will be be that strong woman again that you have always been. Please change your number Blond, it just makes it that little harder for him to suck you back in, and I know you want out.

(((Hugs)))

Sunny Soon Xx

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012

I'm glad you are having these light bulb moments. And thank you for sharing because you are reinforcing to others just how NC works...how it affords us the time and distance away to shed those rose-colored glasses and begin to see clearly.

One thing is bothering me a little, though.  I mean, I know this guy is pretty wiley with his methods, but you should really be deleting without reading or be considering getting a new number, which is easy enough to explain away, if people wonder why, by saying something like some company was calling unrelentingly or trying to scam you...because reading these messages keeps you engaged, kwim?   So, you want to delete delete delete.  

Being away from the games and deception...it's a great feeling, isn't it.

If you want this to be the end, then it will be, Blonde :)

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board