A step backwards...
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 10-10-2010 - 7:26pm |
Hello Friends,
This is my first time to post with the new layout. I'm still not used to it.
So, last week, xAP was on my mind a lot. I caved and did a tiny bit of cyber stalking. It had been months since the last time, and I don't know why I just couldn't help myself.
xAP's new wife has a personal blog. I still have them both blocked on FB and don't plan to ever unblock that. So, I pulled up her blog on Friday and did some reading. She also posts lots of pictures.
They seem to be very happy in their new city, from what I can tell from her writing. She actually only mentions xAP a couple of times (in the few posts that I read), but they were all good and positive notations.
Interestingly enough, I didn't feel jealous. She doesn't have anything that I want. What I wanted was the fantasy that I had created in my mind and in my heart. She doesn't have that. It sounds like he doesn't even have a job yet and they've been there over 3 months now. That doesn't even surprise me.
So, I was okay after the stalking. But then that night, I dreamed of him. Of them, actually. It was a heart-breaking nightmare, and I woke up very sad.
I think that what triggered all of this is the change of the season. It was this time last year that I was preparing for xAP's big move to another state. Next month it will be one year since I've seen him. It's been 6 months since I officially ended it and went complete NC. Three months since he got married.
Why am I still counting??
So, lesson learned. Again. *sigh*
Just needed to tell someone. Thanks as always for listening.
-Angel

Pages
Hi xfallen,
I was talking to a friend who ended her A a year ago and she says she still misses him even though she knows how messed up he was and how it was all about him (it seems it is always that way with them!).
Thanks so much for your reply. It means a lot to me that you took the time to let me know that you understand.
I really thought I would be a little further along in my journey by now. But, I'm still a big believer in "time heals all wounds". I just wish the time would go by a little faster!
I'm still spending a lot more quality time with my kids, and that helps a lot. I have a great job that I love and that helps too. Unfortunately, things with H are not much better and that tends to dampen my mood quite often.
Anyway, hang in there, it sounds like you've finally made up your mind to get out of the fog and that is HUGE! Be glad that you can't see him on FB anymore. Seeing his pictures and posts would almost for sure just bring you down.
Big Thanks, and Big Hugs to you,
thanks xfallenangel,
I am praying every night and day for my feelings to change.
Hello to the both of you....
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Hi guys
I am feeling it today as well. No stalking or anything- just missing the fantasy A LOT!
Iggyx
Sorry Iggy, I know I really do.
Luvin is dead on.
All I have to say is, I had to deactivate my FB account because I was always cyber stalking.
Me too, Mom on the FB.
Totally agree that the cyberstalking breaks NC, because of the way it messes with our heads. In my case getting away from the computer is not an option because of work, but it is getting easier to divert myself from the danger zones as time goes by. Each time I stop myself from stalking I grow a little stronger. Won't pretend it's all smooth sailing though. There are times when I am sooo tempted. But what good would it do? I would just end up obsessing about him again.
Pages