A step backwards...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
A step backwards...
11
Sun, 10-10-2010 - 7:26pm

Hello Friends,

This is my first time to post with the new layout. I'm still not used to it.

So, last week, xAP was on my mind a lot. I caved and did a tiny bit of cyber stalking. It had been months since the last time, and I don't know why I just couldn't help myself.

xAP's new wife has a personal blog. I still have them both blocked on FB and don't plan to ever unblock that. So, I pulled up her blog on Friday and did some reading. She also posts lots of pictures.

They seem to be very happy in their new city, from what I can tell from her writing. She actually only mentions xAP a couple of times (in the few posts that I read), but they were all good and positive notations.

Interestingly enough, I didn't feel jealous. She doesn't have anything that I want. What I wanted was the fantasy that I had created in my mind and in my heart. She doesn't have that. It sounds like he doesn't even have a job yet and they've been there over 3 months now. That doesn't even surprise me.

So, I was okay after the stalking. But then that night, I dreamed of him. Of them, actually. It was a heart-breaking nightmare, and I woke up very sad.

I think that what triggered all of this is the change of the season. It was this time last year that I was preparing for xAP's big move to another state. Next month it will be one year since I've seen him. It's been 6 months since I officially ended it and went complete NC. Three months since he got married.

Why am I still counting??

So, lesson learned. Again. *sigh*

Just needed to tell someone. Thanks as always for listening.

-Angel

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Thu, 10-14-2010 - 12:49am
For 3 of the 4 years I didn't stalk xAPs W. But the last year when things were going downhill I started looking. I felt like if I could just get some truth. Coming from him his marriage was in the toilet. They would go days without speaking, she was a total B****... but looking at her FB page everything seemed wonderful. She even said a few nice things about him, which made me INSANE!!! It's funny when she was most sweet toward him was the weekend he told me that had a huge fight and were starting MC. Then next time, he came to me and said he was packed and ready to leave. I would obsess about every picture of them together. Did he really love her, I'd think looking deep into his eyes. Did she really love him? Ugh... So pathetic. Thankfully, she locked up the security on her page and all I can see is the profile pic. Which is of him, her and the kids.

Glad to be done with that!!! One thing I do not miss!!

Chechi

Pages