Still on the borderline.. help
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Still on the borderline.. help
| Thu, 12-09-2004 - 6:17am |
Hi
I have not gone back on the decision to end the A. He is not married so there is no spouse involved, he is younger than me and my only problem is HOW to tell him.
Please help. Now my dilemma is how do I say it is over after 2.5 years. Do I bring up all the wrong he has done to me, all the times he has let me down? Do I just say I want to be true to my husband so I want out?... Do I say I do not love him anymore, becasue that is not true I do love him but just feel terribly let down by his attitude.
I love my husband and only now do i really appreciate him and see him for what he is. I have been lurking at these boards for about a week now and I realise that I am not alone. Many have gone through the same as me, so please help me to do this. I know it is finally MY move and that you can only support me and give me help. But that is what i need at this stage. Full support, which I only seem to get here. The understanding of my situation as well as the encouragement to go in the correct direction.
Please help, I dont want to go backwards, just forwards in the right direction and away from the A. I want to save my marriage before anyoen finds out.
Trish
I have not gone back on the decision to end the A. He is not married so there is no spouse involved, he is younger than me and my only problem is HOW to tell him.
Please help. Now my dilemma is how do I say it is over after 2.5 years. Do I bring up all the wrong he has done to me, all the times he has let me down? Do I just say I want to be true to my husband so I want out?... Do I say I do not love him anymore, becasue that is not true I do love him but just feel terribly let down by his attitude.
I love my husband and only now do i really appreciate him and see him for what he is. I have been lurking at these boards for about a week now and I realise that I am not alone. Many have gone through the same as me, so please help me to do this. I know it is finally MY move and that you can only support me and give me help. But that is what i need at this stage. Full support, which I only seem to get here. The understanding of my situation as well as the encouragement to go in the correct direction.
Please help, I dont want to go backwards, just forwards in the right direction and away from the A. I want to save my marriage before anyoen finds out.
Trish

Trish
I suggest that you keep it short and to the point, no I love you or display of emotions, you do not have to explain anything to him he involved himself with a married woman he knew what he was getting into, secondly he treated you no better then a booty call so what does he really deserve from you, not much.
Consider doing it over phone/e-mail/IM if you do it in person do it were there is no way he can get you alone anywere.
Do it once and once only and then inforce TOTAL NO CONTACT close all means of communications both ways and start to apply yourself to your marriage and husband to streangthen your relationship and deal with any issues so that if word were to get back to your husband down the road your marriage will be strong enough to survive.
keep reminding yourself of what you have to loss, EVERYTHING and what your getting from this player which is nothing.
Stay Strong
Free
Thanks Free , thanks so much for the support
Trish
I am in the same dilemma. I want to end my A, also with a single man, but I also do not know how to just say NO for good. I know he does not care about me and I read on the board yesterday someone saying they did not miss feeling like some guys free hooker, and that really hit hard. I know how you feel about wanting to make it right with your husband. It's like you get so wrapped up in the A that you start to make all the bad things about your marriage seem alot worse in your head to justify what you are doing. It's so hard to get through each day and not relapse and make contact with the OM. I feel childish in the fact that i'm not convinced that we really have to have that definite "closure". I just want to not ever talk to him again. It's lame, and this is the first relationship i have had outside my H in 10 yrs, so maybe that is bad advice. But it's just sometimes easier to let it go without a big discussion. I have only been in my A for 1 1/2 years, and i don't really want to let him know why i want out. I feel like any discussion i have with him is really more closure for me anyhow so is it really worth the contact and the chance of him talking me into his bed again? I don't know if this helps you at all, but I really related to your situation so thanks for letting me let out a little too.
good luck!
Hiya Trish,
From experience, the only goodbye that worked for me was a very short, succint one which stated that I was ending the affair, I did not wish to maintain any form of contact (except that which specifically pertained to our child) and to please respect my decision. It left absolutely no wiggle room. None. No chink in the armor.
Rather than the door being left ajar, it is closed, locked, morticed locked, padlocked, and sandbagged besides.
Since you are the married affair partner, Trish, you must be both strong & kind enough to ensure there are no lingering doubts or hope in the mind of exOM. If you wish to focus on your husband and family, then say so.
He was there with you for the duration of the affair, he knows what happened, who said what and when. There's no need to rehash the past - any of it. If it is any more than a few sentences at most, it's too long and there's wiggle room in length.
Any sentence which begins `I love you but...'-or- `If you would just...' -or- `I'm sorry but...' is banned. Remember-when's are banned. If-only's and how-come's are banned.
I loved something Bria/Capnmit said once about her affair about how "All the good is gone." Were I somehow thrown back in time and had to do the ending bit all over again, I'd probably incorporate that phrase in my goodbye because it's simple, it's elegant, it says it all and there is no wiggle room or arguing with it.
As hard as composing & delivering the big "The End" speech/letter/email is, it's actually quite a small part of the ending process, Trish.
You see, by delivering the big "The End" speech/letter/email, you are setting a boundary over which exOM may no longer pass. The hard part is maintaining that boundary. That is the most difficult part of the whole process.
Remember that any contact with exOM will encourage him to believe there is still a chance therefore the kindest thing you can do for exOM is rigidly maintain no contact.
One day both of you really will understand that "To yield to someone's wish to end a relationship is an act of respect. To want the best for someone, even when it means enduring our own loss, is an act of love."
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Your situation seems so like mine.. i do not feel alone anymore, I used to feel that i was a stupid person, weak, immoral, to get into a situation like this, but it seems that I am human because there is you and others out there who have gone through the same.
No one can understand better than someone who has been in the same dilema and I wish you much luck and strength.
**It's like you get so wrapped up in the A that you start to make all the bad things about your marriage seem alot worse in your head to justify what you are doing. It's so hard to get through each day and not relapse and make contact with the OM. I feel childish in the fact that i'm not convinced that we really have to have that definite "closure". **
These words are me, my situation, its like I am talking about my A here, honestly, I am feeling and doing the same thing. Yes my marriage was goign through a very very bad phase, and the A pulled me out of that and into a kind of fantasy world, which made me totally anti-H. And the worst part is that H is the most wonderful person and my best friend in the world. And I have "relapsed" many a time believe me. OM has sweet talked me into gettting back with his IMU routine.
Thanks for replying, and hope you make it through.. Be strong, I am going to do my best to do the same. Everytime i start thinking of the OM, I just come right back to this message board and that helps me.
Trish
Will make it short and to the point.
Trish