Still clinging to fantasy
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Still clinging to fantasy
| Sun, 08-15-2010 - 10:32am |
For the past couple years, every trip to visit my family (2-4 times per year) has been followed by spending several days with xAP.

Jdv,
I'm hugging you today. I wish I had something to say to make you feel better. I just want you to know that I understand. I'm in your same boat. If you want someone to talk to email me. I think our stories are similar.
-Angel
Hi again JDV
I think for a very long time there is always hope that things will work out.
JDV-
Like you, my A ended before I was ready. The feeling of rejection was crushing, and although it didn't take me too long (ok, it was long) before I realized just how grateful that I was no longer in the A, it took much, much longer to get over wanting to feel not-dumped. I was an idiot and fished for xAP looking for closure, that not-dumped speech or whatever to make my ego feel better. Guess what, I just ended up getting double-dumped. Ego went completely into the toilet then. Not only did I feel rejected, I felt pathetic and humiliated. I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that what you're feeling now, only 2.5 weeks after the ending, is totally normal - and to warn you to not try to assuage the feelings by breaking NC. I cross my heart promise you that if you stay the course and work your healing, you'll soon be 1) relieved to be out of the A, 2) grateful it ended in spite of who did the dumping, and 3) shaking your head and wondering "what the heck was I thinking?!!!"
But right now you just have to ride this wave with all the dignity and strength you can muster, trying to stay focused on what you want in your future and not what you thought you wanted that is now in the past.
I'm sending you a big cyber hug and hoping you can make your vacay a nice distraction instead of a trigger.
Best,
Dee
(((jdv)))
I have been in your shoes many times and I am thinking about you. Being in my A for so long, it seemed like every time I turned around, another event, another milestone, another something would hit me in the face. I took my kids to Disney last year alone and the entire time I kept thinking "this was the Disney trip HE was supposed to be with us". I could go on and on, but you get the picture. You are out of your "safe zone", and I'm so proud of you for posting here and not contacting XAP. Try to get out of your own head as much as you can. Picture your HAPPY future - even journal about it while you are gone. What do you want your life to look like? You're on your way to it right now! Tell yourself that you can dwell on XAP later, for now, enjoy this wonderful time you have with your family. You're going to make it through this :)
Bodhi
Thank you so much everyone.