Still clinging to fantasy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
Still clinging to fantasy
7
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 10:32am

For the past couple years, every trip to visit my family (2-4 times per year) has been followed by spending several days with xAP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 10:40am

Jdv,

I'm hugging you today. I wish I had something to say to make you feel better. I just want you to know that I understand. I'm in your same boat. If you want someone to talk to email me. I think our stories are similar.

-Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 11:07am

Hi again JDV


I think for a very long time there is always hope that things will work out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 11:36am

JDV-
Like you, my A ended before I was ready. The feeling of rejection was crushing, and although it didn't take me too long (ok, it was long) before I realized just how grateful that I was no longer in the A, it took much, much longer to get over wanting to feel not-dumped. I was an idiot and fished for xAP looking for closure, that not-dumped speech or whatever to make my ego feel better. Guess what, I just ended up getting double-dumped. Ego went completely into the toilet then. Not only did I feel rejected, I felt pathetic and humiliated. I'm sharing this with you because I want you to know that what you're feeling now, only 2.5 weeks after the ending, is totally normal - and to warn you to not try to assuage the feelings by breaking NC. I cross my heart promise you that if you stay the course and work your healing, you'll soon be 1) relieved to be out of the A, 2) grateful it ended in spite of who did the dumping, and 3) shaking your head and wondering "what the heck was I thinking?!!!"

But right now you just have to ride this wave with all the dignity and strength you can muster, trying to stay focused on what you want in your future and not what you thought you wanted that is now in the past.

I'm sending you a big cyber hug and hoping you can make your vacay a nice distraction instead of a trigger.

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 2:01pm
Totally understand where you are coming from. That is the hardest part. I have no advice to give :-( but I am trusting those who have been there and look at them now. I do know that if it was as perfect as I had him in my mind I wouldnt be this miserable. Hang in there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 2:25pm

(((jdv)))

I have been in your shoes many times and I am thinking about you. Being in my A for so long, it seemed like every time I turned around, another event, another milestone, another something would hit me in the face. I took my kids to Disney last year alone and the entire time I kept thinking "this was the Disney trip HE was supposed to be with us". I could go on and on, but you get the picture. You are out of your "safe zone", and I'm so proud of you for posting here and not contacting XAP. Try to get out of your own head as much as you can. Picture your HAPPY future - even journal about it while you are gone. What do you want your life to look like? You're on your way to it right now! Tell yourself that you can dwell on XAP later, for now, enjoy this wonderful time you have with your family. You're going to make it through this :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 3:00pm
I am so sorry, I know exactly how you are feeling. Tomorrow will be three weeks of NC and today is 3 weeks since he met her. He is single (45) and she (37) this is her 1st. relationship after her divorce. I thought I was ok and doing better, but I am not. The first week was rough, the second was easier, the third was ok, and now BAM, a wave of nausea. My head is moving on, but my heart is slowing things down. There is a part of me that prays his relationship will work out, because it will be a permanent closure for me, but my heart is praying they don't last and he will come back. Wrong and twisted I know, but I am being honest. I have been trying to throw myself back into my marriage (there was no dday and I did not tell H), but today I am married to an idiot and today I am longing for what could never be. We just have to get through it, one day at a time. Tomorrow 21 days NC. Chin-up ladies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
Sun, 08-15-2010 - 6:20pm

Thank you so much everyone.