Still friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2008
Still friends?
7
Mon, 11-16-2009 - 11:21pm
So, do you think that after an affair, and emotional one in my case, we can still be friends?? Or is that like an alcoholic working in a bar??
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 12:09am

Sunny,


Friendship is NOT an option for XMM and myself. We have attempted to remain friends many times and it inevitably always ends in going back to the A and me panicking and trying to find my way out once and for all. For myself NC is the only way to go. The truth is that an unhealthy "friendship" is what started most of our A's. There were not healthy boundaries set in place to begin with and it is hard to not cross those lines once you know you can get away with it.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2009
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 12:34am
I am wondering the same thing right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 1:27am

I was stating in my post above that for myself holding on to the friendship was a way to hold on to the A. I believe (for myself) that once those lines are crossed it is hard to not cross them again. I think there is a differnce in being friends and having LC because of work or home life. The friend territory is a dangerous one. Keep in mind what I said in my earlier post.....most of these A's started out as friendships with unhealthy boundaries and it is all but to easy to find yourself in an inappropriate "friendship" again.


Just my opinion.


Kristin

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 12:05pm

Hi MS,


That is probably one of the most asked questions here on EAS. The short answer is a resounding NO!!! You right that it is like an alcoholic going into a bar. It is also the same as someone who has been through recovery staying friends with someone who is still using. We know how both of those scenarios usually end. It’s an open door that can suck you back in at any minute. It’s not a way to protect yourself and make sure you don’t go back to the same habits and mindset.


Many posters have come back and posted how they didn’t listen and tried the” friends” thing and end up back in the A. Ending an A is about changing habits/mindset/thinking that got you into the A in the first place.


We don’t just make this stuff up. There are many vets. here that know what works and what doesn’t. Also many of us have been to IC . Ts have instructed NC to end the A.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 12:17pm

Hi Francis,


You are right. It is too dangerous.


I bumped up “Rules for Maintaining LC at Work” from the Healing Library which is about half way down the main EAS page. Here is the link.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=25071.1&x=y


Welcome to EAS. Stay and read, read, and read some more. It may take several cups of tea or coffee to make it through all the wisdom that is written here some with tears of pain and others with hearts filled with hope.


Big Hugs,


E1


Whether you think you can or you think you cant you are probably right.


A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2008
Tue, 11-17-2009 - 6:46pm
Thank you for sending the link about how to cope at work. I have to tell you, I have sort of dabbled in some of those things. One time, I had a conference to go to and I wasn't at work that day. OM didn't know I wasn't at work that day, he just knew he didn't see me or hear from me that day. Well, at the end of the day, I get a text, "Well, that's a fine hello-I've been looking for you all day!" He even asked my good friend at work where I was that day. Well, this is all I needed to suck me right back in!! Another time, I didn't make the eye contact and kinda ignored a request from him and he was so sad..he said "why did you ignore me?" Well, I cave when I get those comments!! but right now, I think he is trying to have NC with ME now-he has not answered my last two texts and has not contacted me. But we have not been to work together lately either. I am going to try so hard to live by those rules. They are good ones-mine was just emotional all along, but I think it is almost worse than a physical affair! It is just as addicting, that is for sure. the flirting, and texting things we shouldn't as two married people-it is so hard to stop! Thanks again for your support.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2005
Sat, 11-21-2009 - 3:39pm

Sunny:


I agree with Kristin.