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| Sun, 07-11-2004 - 9:52pm |
I made that stupid call and had emailed him on Wednesday (I think it was) and the call was so awkward. I sent another email after that basically saying the call felt uncomfortable and awkward and was probably a mistake. I went on to tell him that we needed to find a middle ground we both could be comfortable with and if he wanted to be friends it was something that we both had to figure out together. I said that my only real problem with us had been that he made this unilateral decision that affected us both and that he never talked to me about any of his concerns- that he had concerns was not a problem- that he did not talk to me about it was a problem. I told him that the friendship would also have ups and downs and we needed to be able to talk about things as they happened. I knew things would have to change, but that I still wanted to have the closeness that we shared while at the same time allowing each other the space that we needed.
He sent an email 2 days later thanking me for my emails and support. He told me about the trip and his XW and it was nice. He wants me to be happy and wants to be friends and is willing to do whatever that takes.
I know that this is the best that I can ask for. He continues to share all the good and the bad and wants me to be happy. It is just incredibly hard as all of you know to be friends when you still have these feelings for someone-- to keep all those feelings at bay. I don't read into anything-- I do not think he will ever want a romantic relationship again for whatever reason. We have tried twice and he knows how much he has hurt me again. I know at some point he will stop confiding in me and will find someone else to "talk to" about all that is going on in his life. He is still struggling with his relationship with his XW - she is in contact with him alot ( they have 2 kids)and he thinks she tries to control his life. Since she left him she still feels like she has the power over him in a sense. He is still struggling with this I think- he wrote that "she tries to control my life and as long as I know she has no control over me and I does not want to be with her and she knows I does not want to be with her - then I am fine."
I know I must be crazy- but I value his friendship and would love to be able to figure out how to make this work. It hurts alot to be close and yet not have his love in the same way-- but I hope in time this will fade and I can move on. I miss him alot- god knows. I still cry, but I have had a few good days.
Do you think I am crazy for doing it this way??? How do you keep those feelings at bay? I have managed thus far fairly well...we never talk about us - only about what is currently going on in our lives. I do wish I knew what happened-- I guess I think he just decided he wanted to have a relationship that was there and real and not something that could have taken 5 years to be real...I just do not know the answers and that still hurts. But asking for them - I don't think he knows the reasons either.
tb

Your not crazy but you risk driving yourself crazy.
Sooner or later your going to have to accept that your going to have to let go of this relationship at least for the short term untell both your emotions settle down and are less raw.
You may be right about him not knowing way he made the decisions he did, but he did what he had to do for him, you need to do the same. JMHO
Be well
Free
As I thought about this- I thought I should let him know what I think the issues for me were in our relationship in a very non-judgemental way. He never really told me his issues- just little things that seemed to build...but nothing in particular. I knew he was struggling with so many things and I just thought we would have time to talk about us at a later point. We had not been together for over 2 years and talking on the phone was just not easy for me. My issues really were not that big...but maybe they should have been.
We have not talked at all about us in the past month...even when I went down there about a month ago after he had ended it. I just did not want to whine about something that I could not change. Now I feel a little more in control of my emotions and more logical if that makes sense. Our relationship - well I have had very little sexual experiences- he was my first lover 25 years ago and my M really is devoid of any sex. I have had a few sexual relationships before my H but none were great. When I got back with my X it made me realize what a relationship should be. The friendship was great and the sexual relationship was great. He thought it was too. ...so anyway I decided to email him my issues- not so much to get a response but for closure for me.
my email-
Hi I hope that you are doing well. ...as I said there were a few things that I had wanted at some point to talk to you about but always thought we would talk when we got together. I never thought any of the things were so big that they could not wait...oh well.
I had done alot of thinking over the past 2 years about what was important and what I needed to change in me to be happy. I realize that we never really talked about some of these things-- maybe you knew what had changed and did not like those changes...I do not know.
One thing I wanted to talk to you about I wrote in the last email- it was XW and your relationship with her. You both loved each other and will always be a part of the other. It is OK to acknowledge that and to have ups and downs and feel however you are feeling. I guess I just wanted you to know that it was important to me that you felt comfortable being able to tell me anything about that relationship and how you were feeling. From your recent emails and the past 6 months, I think you and I were on the same page with this.
The second thing that was completely frustrating to me was the whole issue of sex. When you wanted space to figure things out with XW last year, I also really thought about what I wanted. One thing that I really felt had to change for us to truly be happy together was our sexual relationship or at least the way I felt about it. The sex was great and I know that was never a problem for either of us. Yet in order for us to have the relationship I wanted - we had to be on more even ground. For me, I knew that in order for me to be happy I wanted to come to you as a woman on the same playing field- not as that little girl you met so many years ago or even the person I was a few years back. I did alot of reading and thinking and knew what I wanted and felt completely comfortable with sex and was excited about being that person. To be honest- I was not completely sure how you would react. When I would bring it up at times - you would say that I was uncomfortable-- which I was not...but thinking about it- maybe that was one of the problems-- that you wanted me to be that little girl you knew so many years ago. If that is the case- then you were right-- we never would have worked. I can't be that person.
The other thing that was important to me was that we would both allow each other to change and grow. I guess this goes along with what I said above in some ways. To me you should be happy that the other is growing and changing as this is healthy in any relationship. Not to change or grow would be awful. I know change is sometimes scary, but to me I would always want us both to change and grow and not be afraid of those changes. I wanted for us to be able to share a life together but to also be able to share ourselves with others and not to be afraid to be different. Maybe this is not something you wanted.
At some point I wanted to talk about the whole issue of money. It was hard to talk about it on the phone as I knew you were concerned about it and it was a big part of your problems with XW. I would also sometimes say things that would clearly come out wrong and thought it was best to talk about this in person. I wanted you to know that I was not like XW and I did know the value of money. It is not that I do not like nice things- but it was more important to be happy than to buy something we could not afford. I guess sometimes I went overboard trying to say that and it just came out wrong. I honestly do believe we are on the same page with money issues and that you do not think I am like XW-- but it was just difficult talking about it on the phone.
Another thing that I think in some ways is the hardest- is to me it is important to maintain a positive attitude even in the worst of situations and not let things get to you. That is sometimes hard in the midst of so many changes going on. And clearly there were times when it got to me. For me, my cancer made me realize how important life is and that most things are really not that important in the scheme of things. I sweat the big things-- no doubt about that...but I usually don't sweat the little things. Sometimes I do-- but usually I catch myself because I know it just makes me unhappy...or I need a swift kick in the butt!
The last thing that I wanted to talk to you about was that nothing was going to be perfect and that we would have ups and downs along the way and that we needed to be able to talk about problems as they came up. This had always been easy for us and I had not thought this would be a problem. I had thought at times that you put our relationship on a pedestal and that that was not good- it would have issues that we would need to talk about and address- every relationship does. But I had thought we could talk about anything. I never thought.... Clearly this was a big issue that I should have talked to you about earlier.
For me- those where the big things that I had wanted to talk to you about and I guess I feel better having told you these things and I guess we were not on the same page - I do not know. I knew you were struggling with things, and trying to figure out how to be happy. I guess I had envisioned when I talked with you and told you about my impending D- that you would be happy and yet in some ways mad at me and to be honest I thought you were going to tell me that you had had sex with someone and that was one of the things that you were struggling with. I had thought about that- and I knew we could talk about anything and I thought that we would talk about it and as long as you loved me, it was not a problem and we would move on from there...I even thought you'd be shocked at how I handled it...I guess I really was so off-base about what was going on and what you were going through. I clearly did not have a clue what you were thinking or feeling.
I guess I just wanted to send this so I could in a sense tell you what I thought the issues were for me- we do not ever have to talk about this...but I just wanted you to know some of the things that I had thought about and had been going through recently and over the past 2 years. You probably already knew all this anyway.
I know that you value our friendship and I appreciate the closeness that we still share - that you can be open with me about things. That is still very important to me. As I said I am still trying to sort my way through all this ....
I guess for me I needed to throw out what I was thinking and feeling. I guess I just wanted to know what people thought about how I handled this? Maybe this will push him away - and maybe that is what we both need...I don't know.
tb
I know you are right - that I need to let go and heal. I come here and I feel like I am so irrational at times...it helps me because then I am more rational when I deal with him. I need to keep things even-- I am not sure if I should send the email and let the chips fall where they may and risk pushing him away...or continue with things as they are.
It is hard because he also wants to be friends and emails me 2-3 times a week. I would have to tell him that I need the space to get over him to be able to be just friends. I know he would understand that and give me the space I need. He wants me to be happy and to heal. There has never been anything bad between us...just that he suddenly gave up.
I guess it is hard because I want to take that high road- y'all must think I am nuts at times...with my rambling. I come here and put down all my irrational thoughts and vent so I do not go crazy if that makes sense. I don't usually do stupid things-- I usually think things through and try to do what I think is the right thing. So that is why right now I am trying to be just friends. It is what I truly want and what I would like to see happening.
The email I think would probably push him away and in a sense maybe that is what I need at this point-- to have some distance and to have him put the distance there not me...does that makes any sense?
tb
Your dealing with a lot of very raw emotions, forget rational for now it ain't happening.
If I understood your reasoning correctly if you send the e-mail you think he will pull away leaving you room to heal, it may do that it is impossible to tell for sure.
If you need space and it sounds like you do, as hard as I know it is may be you should just tell him this, ask him to give you that space for a few months or what ever you think will work such as you will drop him a line when your feeling more in control.
You two have a long standing friendship you have parted before if I remember correctly and your friendship made through that, perhaps a breathing space will alow it to flower again.
Peace
Free
I do not know if OM and I will ever just be "friends". Somehow, I doubt it, especially now since I have gone NC and he is not happy about it. But it sounds like your OM would understand if you had to do that. I wouldn't send the e-mail, or any other e-mail for that matter. If it is healing that you are seeking, any kind of contact could rip open old wounds and leave you back at square one. Further on down the line, in the future, once things have calmed down you can decide if being "just friends" will work. You need distance, perspective, and time. Just my 2 cents :)
((hugs))
Circe