Still hurting ...

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Still hurting ...
8
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 11:59pm
I was going through disks and files -- cleaning up in order to get ready for a move -- and I discovered a disk with photos of the MM that I had forgotten I had. His face popped up on my monitor, really big and I remember how handsome he was and how much I loved him. Oh man. For the past few days I can't seem to get past this "I loved him so much, I will never love anyone ever again" phase.

I just feel really lonely, lost, dejected and hopeless.

I seem to cycle a lot. Three or four good days, where I think I'm reaching acceptance, followed by three or four really bad days.

It still hurts a lot and I can't seem to turn away from the pain. It's almost as if I think continuing to hurt proves how much I love him. But what good does it do? It certainly isn't helping me any.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 12:26am
HI!... OH hon... just don't give up. When my xom and I broke up I was in such a pain that some days I couldn't crawl out of the bed. Then... every week it got better and better. We broke up almost a yearago but kept in touch but since he is a liar and a cheat I dont' even keep in touch with him anymore. He was a great lover but it stops right there. He is a liar. He is not even any good as a "friend" like he wanted us to be . I know that it took me a long time to get over him, while I was in pain I always felt better when I was able to talk to him a few times as "friends" but he was always very cold to me and I was the one with the miss yous and love yous.But after awhile I understood what I was doing and what I was holding on to... so the feelings towards him slowly went away and I do miss the good times with him sometimes but there is no way I would ever want him back ever again. What kept me from thinking about him is I went to work ... and I went in even on my days off and the tireder I got the less I was thinking about my xom. Just keep busy ... and work and work or run, do something physical and you won't feel the pain as bad. I know it is awful .. the pain.... sometimes I said I rather die than feel this pain... but I survived and you will too. It was nice talking to you.... and don't give up it will get better. Time is on your side . Blue.
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 9:10am
I am so sorry you are still hurting. Its been a year for me and although it is much better I still have pain too, especially when I see a reminder. Someone posted a web site called marriagebuilders.com and what I found most helpful is the explaination of why contact is so hurtful. It does bring you back and although a photo isnt contact exactly in some ways it is. My x is in a music band and has a web site online with pictures and at first I had to look all the time. Finally I realized how much that was holding me back from moving on. I still look sometime, I hate to admit, but not as often. I wonder if i will EVER stop thinking about him. I have not gone ONE day without thoughts of him. ugh!!

Have any of you dated anyone else? I am curious about how that goes for the single one moving on. My x is single. I didnt want to stop seeing him and probably never would have had he not met someone he wanted to have a "normal" relationship with. Even though I totally understood and expected that to happen one day, it hurt me so much. He may think I am living it up, married and happy, but honestly I miss him so much.
Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 11:18am
Hey you! I know how you feel and I feel ya! I am going to suggest you think about this for awhile because to help you through this isn't easy. However, I have always believed the more knowledge we have the better off we are. I also go through the times of missing the MM and the triggers will do it every time. The picture was certainly your trigger. You know what they say about out of sight, out of mind. That does run true more times than not. But think of it this way and I hope it makes some sense to you...

When we allow ourselves to fall in love and we are faced with letting that love go, it is so very difficult. But to measure the ability to have a healthy time in going through the process is determined by our actions. You could be doing all the right things and not looking back at any old pics or reminders when a song may come on the radio and there is a reaction. I believe we can all agree to that. I also believe that holding onto the pain is a way of holding onto the relationship even though intellectually, you know the relationship is over. This is exactly why it is so important to recognize it for what it is and work through it because it can lead you to go back to the unhealthy relationship or even take up with someone new to fill the painful void before the time is right. I see ladies do this alot, some how trying to complete their lives by having a man in it rather than looking within themselves for real inner growth. Unfortunately, more times than not people who do this end up having the same mistakes happen over and over or end up with someone that is way too much like the one they just broke things off with. So be careful hon. Try to recognize this for what it is...a trigger and to let it flow through you because it needs to and then let it go too. Dabbling with anything that brings it all back up is dangerous to your healing. So tuck those pics away for a time until seeing them won't hurt you anymore. That time will come eventually.

Hugs to you dear lady.

GT

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 11:49am
GT When you say that time will come eventually, has it come for you? Do you still hurt? I am new to the board, except for lurking, so I dont know anything about your situation so Im asking (hoping) that time has come for you. It would give me promise.

bblues

Being new here I think I like the way the board is set up. I havent posted much before because I was afraid H might one day see my ivillage name and "lurk" This way as you post all the names do not come right up. I try to remember to clear cookies but cant always.

Avatar for raspberrykat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:46pm
Just remember, you will cycle back to good days. You can count on it! I know how you feel about comming across a picture .... I deleted all the pics I had of OM that were within easy reach, but still have a few that are hidden away that I don't look at.

I do see OM off & on in passing and it does tend to set me back to sadness. Lat night he was at my house (I know, I know - but he was not there to see me, he was there to see H - I know, even weirder)and as I saw him I remembered how good looking he is, but didn't slip into that sadness - there is HOPE! He just said hey to me and I gave him a hey back. We are trying very hard to be just freinds, and at lest salvage that part of it.

You will be strong!!!

*hugs*

K

Avatar for raspberrykat
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 2:12pm
Same thing happened to me, I'm married he is single and moved on. At one time, I had filed for divorce to be with him but he said "don't" - if you want to be divorced, do it for you, not to be with me, make sure it is what you want. He is in a "normal" relationship now but we still talk. I haven't been able to go to no contact as everyone suggests, and don't know if I ever will be able to. I still think of him a lot (ok - yeah , every day too). I guess because we didn't break up badly or fight about it, I don't feel any hate at all towards him (anger at myself at times). We've gone back & forth 3 different times and both agree no more. It's not only hard on me, it's also very hard on him. There still is and always will be a degree of love between us and on my good days, I'm just glad to be a friend. I do get bad days too .... miss him a lot at times. But I (we) will not go back to how we were.

Some day, I will be able to go to no contact, but I will not beat myself up about it.

K

Avatar for guardedticker
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 3:07pm
Welcome to the board Boogieblues! Glad you came out of lurkdom. Regarding your question about my being painfree...I will say this to you. The man I had my A with was someone I have loved for almost 30 years, was separated from at an early age and reunited.

Going through the grieving process for each one of us is different because of the circumstances in our lives when we had the A (ex. married or not, length of time in the A) etc. I will say this to you. I am to the point where it is only when I ALLOW MYSELF to toy with the memories whether it is to read old emails, ims and/or look at pics that I experience pain. When I first started to end it, I wasn't much different from the rest of the gals here in that I seemed to be stuck in denial and the emotional fog that goes along with it. I was a mess, crying on a daily basis and thinking of ways I could try to change what was happening only to discover that my first attempt at ending my pain would only be that, my first attempt. I went right back into the A full force. It took months of posting and reading posts here to attain the knowledge of what the truth is in affairs and to begin to apply what I had learned to my own life. When it was all said and done, I was the one who ended the A. Reason and reality finally took over. It has been almost four months and I can now say that the times I experience pain are very short little bouts of it or a tear here and there. I have more days than not that I feel pretty good and it just keeps getting better every day. So you can't give up or give in.

When you begin to focus more on you than the MM/OM, you begin to have times where all of a sudden you will think of them and realize you haven't thought about them in awhile. You feel refreshed and you do realize that life is going to go on one way or the other so you might as well enjoy it while it does! :) You'll have to trust me on this one. It does get better even if it takes you some time.

Sending hugs,

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 4:55pm
I am so feeling what you are feeling!!! There are days when I think that I am over OM and am going to move on with my life and not give him a single thought then there are all the other days when I feel lost, alone, sad, angry, you name it...I am hoping for the day where he does not enter my mind. But it is just not happening yet!!!

Hang in there with me,

Karry