Still hurts after 4 mos
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| Sun, 09-26-2004 - 1:24am |
I dont usually post on this board, I lurk, but I post on ALL Sides, which has been great support, YES even the BS's that post there help me.
My A with XMM ended in May. I told his W, I know not right, but whats done is done. It still feels like yesterday somedays. I was a single OW. XMM has hurt me beyond belief, the history would take me weeks to tell. Long story short, he never told me he was M, he presented himself as D, 48 and no kids. I had too many unanswered questions after 9 mos, ivestigated and found the truth...he is 53, M 30 yrs and 2 grown daughters..Yes call me a FOOL. Once I found out, I should have ran away..but I didn't..Oh how he loved me and didnt tell me because he knew I would leave...and I fell for it all..hook line and sinker.
Why do I miss a man who has lied and deceived me so much? I still hurt so much inside..this journey is too long and too painful. Its a slow process..which I hate.
I wish I would wake yo ine day and HATE him...only remember the controlling jealous man he was. Remember all the hurt he caused me. Why do I still care how he is and if he is taking care of himself. I wonder how his daughters are..if they are talking to him yet. Last he told me...once they found out about the A, they stopped talking to him.
Just venting..having a rough night.
Hope

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Welcome, honey. Yes, I know you from AS. Isn't it amazing just how civil & supportive everyone can be on AS when you willing & open to hear both sides of the coin. :)
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What's done is done. This has been discussed at length elsewhere.
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The secret here is in knowing that it will for some time yet. You will have triggers and moments where you long to contact him. The key is in simply not acting on on those triggers or longings. I'm also aware you've just completed a relocation to a new office, have been working out of boxes, you've had a colleague suddenly quit which has left you to pick up the slack and all the while you are trying to adjust to all of this, you are attempting to generate your own normal work output & get settled into your new office surroundings. That's a very full plate you got there, Hope. The simplest way to put this is:- In stressful or difficult situations, or when we are physicially & emotionally exhausted, our minds can often find itself harking back to easier & more comfortable times.
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I'm up to speed on your story, but the fact remains you permitted this hurt, Hope. When we start owning up to our own part in the EMA rather that continuing to see ourselves as a victim of the big bad MM (regardless of how big or how bad and yours is both), only then can we actually begin to start moving forward. The anger-shield and the victim stance can only get us so far in our recovery, Hope - beyond that lays accepting responsibility for our OWN part in the EMA. Yes you were manipulated, but yes you allowed him to manipulate you with a choice or more likely a series of choices. Not seeing it doesn't make it go away and the truth remains that people will treat us exactly how we permit them to treat us. Having self-respect ensures that others have no option but to treat us with respect also.
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You will miss him for as long as you refuse to see him for who he is rather than who you wanted him to be and/or who he wanted you to believe he was. Who you loved exists solely within the confines of your own mind. The fact of the matter which you know beyond question is that he is a liar and a manipulator, he has serious power/control issues, he is a cheater and he was happy to deceive & betray his family for the duration of your EMA. He doesn't sound like much of a prize when you lay it all out like that, does he?
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Accept that you will hurt for awhile. Recovery takes time. You are addressing in IC the matter of the void you perceived exMM filled for you. Be aware, too, that IC can also stir things up a little before we start to understand where we're actually going with the self-knowledge we're gaining. Give it time, honey.
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Growth, real growth, can be painful. Think of the term: "growing pains." If we are very fortunate, we never stop growing and learning and bettering ourselves. Letting go of ill-fitting hopes & dreams for a future we've pictured for so long can also be painful, but with the pain also comes enormous strength. There's a core of steel inside you, Hope, you need to trust in yourself again and trust that it's there.
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Yes, it is, it's a gradual, slow progressing thing. We heal in increments. We only notice the bigger accomplishments - I remember watching a television programme and realising that for the very first time I'd not thought of exOM for the duration of that hour long programme. Give it time, Hope. Much will be uncovered with your IC, too, and there will tough truths to face and in return there are also bright, shining moments of understanding & clarity.
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Ah, the anger-shield and victim-stance. These are only really useful in the very short term when we need to distance ourselves and begin working out our own part, our own contributions, in all the mess. The fact is, few people are ALL bad and almost none wear a flashing, neon sign saying "Liar! Cheater! Power-Freak! Manipulator!" since this would be rather counterproductive as few would choose to take up with someone who openly declared these traits. This isn't to say you won't get angry or hate him at some point in your recovery, and it's entirely likely you will, just be aware you won't need to do that for long. Remember, the opposite of love is not hate, it is actually indifference...
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Because you cared about the person you wished him to be, who he portrayed himself to be. The loss of that person who never existed except for in your own mind is still a painful loss, Hope. Accepting that makes is slightly less painful, but there is no escaping the grieving process.
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His daughters will get over it, or they won't. That's a matter between them and their father within their own family. You have no control over anyone or anything except you and your own actions and you have no business in his family.
I'm often here, Hope, and you're always welcome to email me at posiepops@yahoo.co.uk if you want to chat more privately, hon. There are also many here going through exactly what you're going through whose stories may begin to help you as yours will help them.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Why anguish over a relationship that did nothing for you??? You know your X was lying and deceiving you at every step and to top it all of he was disrespectful. Where is your pride girl?? Why put yourself out to be hurt again and again?? Why do you have to hurt over this man like this? Let him go. You don't have to HATE him to get over him, just get indifferent. Try to analyze your past A in a cool and critical manner without any emotions and what you come off with that analyzing should be your incentive to end it. Some things and some people are best left behind in the past.
Juliet
I had one of those moments last night..It was all I could do not to contact him
>>>>>>>>>You will miss him for as long as you refuse to see him for who he is rather than who you wanted him to be and/or who he wanted you to believe he was. Who you loved exists solely within the confines of your own mind.<<<<<<<<<<
When will that happen? Is it something that happens as time passes or me accepting it? I am afraid if I really accept WHO HE WAS..it will hurt so much more than it does now, I dont think I could emotionally handle it. I have asked many times in IC when will my heart catch up with head? Time is all I hear.
Thanks Posie, I may take you up on your offer to correspond..when I can find time, with work being as crazy as it is.
Hope
>>>>>>>>>The secret here is in knowing that it will for some time yet. You will have triggers and moments where you long to contact him. <<<<<<<<<<
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The important thing here is you managed to keep yourself from doing it. As these crop up, the more we don't act on them, the stronger we start feeling. Time really is your friend, Hope.
>>>>>>>>>You will miss him for as long as you refuse to see him for who he is rather than who you wanted him to be and/or who he wanted you to believe he was. Who you loved exists solely within the confines of your own mind.<<<<<<<<<<
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Well now, there's a great question. The short answer (for me) is both. For me it was something that happened as time passed, as I maintained NC & gained clarity in just having that time & distance between us. Without that time & distance and without the clarity that came along with those, I'd not have been able to accept it.
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I'm curious to know why you think accepting "who he was/is" will hurt more than it does now. Logically, you already know who he was, what he was capable of, and to a greater extent what he did, in fact, do. Acknowledging and accepting it cannot so far as I can see, hurt more, but it's entirely likely it might just begin to hurt LESS. What I was most reluctant to let go of was the hopes & dreams that my exOM would finally do right by me, finally come through for me, see the errors of his ways, step up to the plate and just plain ole DO THE RIGHT THING. In stepping away from the whole situation, I was able to realise that what I wanted of him wasn't something exOM could give me because it simply wasn't in him to be the person I wanted so much to believe he was. Only later did I work out no one on the planet could fill that void for me, but I could fill it myself.
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Man, I hated it when my IC counsellor gave me the "time" speech. Remember the spoilt impatient brat in "Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory?" Well, that was me, Verruca Salt, pitching my hissy fit & squealing, "I want it NOW!" Needless to say, it didn't get me very far. "Haste makes waste," said my wise old Granma.
As we're all so individual, we seem to heal at our very own individual paces. The points where I got "stuck" and needed a kick up the arse may very well be points you sail right through going "yeah, I know that bit, obvious isn't it?" Equally, the reverse is true. My lessons and what I needed to discover about myself won't be the lessons you need to learn, so it's pretty pointless me giving you a cheat sheet so you can skip this bit or that bit and just get on with it.
There simply *IS* no instant-fix, Hope. In retrospect, I'm actually *glad* there isn't because of the things I might have missed along the way if I hadn't done it according to my own personal ability to absorb the information that rose to the surface at it's very own rate of speed. As it cropped up, I was able to deal with it in IC.
Sometimes a lot would come to me all at the same time and I'd be so excited that I could hardly wait to get to my next session! Other times, I'd have to go over & over things until whatever piece of the puzzle that was missing could finally be located to be plopped into it's rightful place.
I'm hoping this makes some kind of rambling sense, love, but just remember you aren't alone and a fair few of us have stood much where you're standing today.
You are more than welcome to email me direct, Hope, it's posiepops@yahoo.co.uk.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
It's tough to get over. Give yourself a break and let yourself heal in good time. Keep posting here. I've had NC for 7, almost 8 months, and for the past week or so I've been chomping at the bit to contact my XMM, just to see how he's doing. HA! I've got no business doing that. So instead, I'm here, posting about feeling sad, uncomfortable, whatever.
The thoughts of missing him are normal, and you can't control them. But you CAN make sure you don't ACT on those thoughts, because that would be causing harm to everybody involved. Hang in there, Hope. We're here for you. Love, Mo.